Jesus, My First Love

The title of this blog is deceiving. At the moment, Jesus is not my first love. Men that are seen by my eye that I find attractive easily capture my attention. I begin to obsessively put my efforts into talking to boys "nonchalantly." I'm BOY-CRAZY. Have you ever seen the show "Hoarders?" There was one episode I watched where they got rid of 8000 pounds of trash in that woman's house. She was a level 5 hoarder. Her house was condemned, and unfit to live in. It was BAD. Well, my boy-craziness is at level 5. I haven't known anyone more boy-crazy than me. My heart is unfit for God for to live in. There's piles of remnants of past boyfriends and unspoken crushes and failed attempts at boyfriends. It affects everything. It's affected my self-esteem, my efforts in pleasing God, my efforts at going to church and doing service projects. It even affects my efforts at getting ready in the morning, especially if I know I'm going to see a cute guy! I've concentrated on boys and being attractive while being genuine my whole life. My past is littered with all of this. My friend Grace told me "For me, who is not boy-crazy to come around someone who is, I could tell from the day I met you that you were." And this thought was echoed by all the girls in my room last night. This obsession of mine has made my life unfit for service to God. And that grieves me because I wanted God to be my first love. I wanted to think I was learning how to get God to meet my needs. And now, it's become so hard to let go. I'm so afraid of not being pursued, which is dumb because I'm making it impossible for guys to pursue me anyway. I'm afraid that I won't know who Mr. Right is if I'm totally focused on God, which is also dumb because I'll be so in-tune with God that He will tell me, "It's Him." I love these 2 quotes: "A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man has to seek Him to find her," and "Dance with God, He will let the right man cut in."
Today is preparation day. I'm entering into a period of fasting from guys and dancing with God. I'm removing all unhealthy behavior and relationships with guys. This includes Scotty and Justin. Before I discuss the particulars, which probably aren't complete yet, I'm going to define the purpose.
The purpose my fast is to make my heart fit for God to dwell in as Lord and to become ready to serve Him. To show God and myself that He can be my First Love.
The way I will accomplish these goals is by leaving behind empty and need-based relationships. By replacing thoughts of "cute boy, he's attractive, speak to Him," with many other thoughts, including Scripture, thoughts of "I need you God, I can't do this on my own", maybe even prayers for my future husband or remembering the blessings God has given me. In my conversations with boys, I need to remember that I might be talking to someone else's future husband, so how I want other women to treat my future husband is how I will treat other men.
This fast will last indefinitely until God brings the right man into my life. I am not dating. I am not beginning conversations with guys. I am checking my motives before I get dressed in the morning and before I go places for leisure. I am going to spend much of my leisure time with God instead of on facebook. When thoughts enter my head about boys, I will, like I said, replace them with more suitable and pleasant thoughts. And I will be praying. A lot.
Father,
I feel called to do this for you. I want you to be my First Love, like I tell others that you are. I don't want to idolize and obsess over boys like I have my whole life. My heart should belong to only you, until you see it to hand a piece of it over to the man you choose. Help me make this a reality. Help me find the right girls to keep me accountable. I love you. I'm Yours Forever. Amen.
Love your Daughter, Melanie