Utterly Hopeless

The mistakes I made this summer, cybering and stuff, just pushed me over the edge. I dont think I realized it, but I stopped loving myself. I never truly forgave myself. I remember driving one day, after having read a part of a book that talked about how God wanted to fall in love with me. I told ymself I was content with the father-child relationship I have with God.
And since then, yeah, I've read my bible a few times, and I read my utmost for his highest devotional book almost everyday, but when I got back to college I felt like i dont belong. I have this overwhelming sense of loneliness. So I got back on wire. and I cybered a little more becasue my friends pushed me. I haven't talked to him since and I'm not cybering anymore, but the only thing keeping me on the right track is my education. Honestly that's the only thing I'm caring about right now, because I want to influence kids and make a difference in their lives. And I need to get good grades to keep my scholarships. And I love being in the Honors Program.
But besides my education and my classses, everything else is suffering. I'm not even going to God. I dont think I talked to him all day, and that NEVER EVER happens. talking to him is just part of my day. Today I think I said a sentence to him maybe once, but I dont remember. I saw my unversity counselor today and even He is concerned. The last time I met with him, back in April, I was fine I just needed to meet and get some things off my chest, like the fact that I struggle with loneliness.
He asked me today if I was angry at God and I started crying. I never cry like that in front of people! ever! But yes, I am angry at God. He won't let me go home this Christmas. all of the plans I have made lately are foiled somehow someway. and I have this strong desire to smoke pot.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm in utter despair and I don't want to reach for the way that I knows leads up and out. Like, I WON'T reach for it. But I know there's no other way out. but I don't want to surrender. but I don't want to end up in jail or pregnant with no money or future or husband. So I don't know what to do. At all. Yes I do. But I can't right now. I don't know why but I can't. I'm out of hope. Completely.