Living the Enoch Life

From the first time I heard about the Bible character named Enoch, I have been fascinated by him. There are approximately only 5-6 verses in the whole Bible where his names in mentioned. All that we know about Enoch are about that many details: 1) he was the son of a guy named Jared. 2) at age 65, He was the Father of Methuselah, who actually died in the year of the flood (Methuselah's name actually has two parts which mean death and sending). 3) "Enoch walked with God 300 more years and had other sons and daughters" - so altogether Enoch lived 365 years. 4) Enoch WALKED WITH GOD. 5) God took Enoch away and he was nowhere to be found. which means he didn't die. THAT'S ALL WE KNOW ABOUT ENOCH. He's also mentioned in the Hall of Faith - Hebrews 11, but it doesn't add any more information about Him. But it does make the point that it takes FAITH to walk with God like that. And to walk with God = please God. Enoch found favor with God and pleased Him because he, to borrow Jeremy Camp's expression, walked by faith. THAT IS THE LIFE I WANT TO LIVE. Today I spent a long time pondering Enoch's life, and I kept looking up at the ceiling of my friend's house where I'm staying and I said, God, how did he know to walk with you? Did someone teach him? Because of the hundreds of people that are mentioned between Adam and Noah, only 3 are mentioned to have found favor with you: Abel, Enoch, and Noach. THAT'S IT. So in a crooked and perverse and evil world where "man's heart is evil from youth," 3 people pleased You. HOW DID THEY KNOW TO DO IT? AND HOW DID THEY DO IT? With pressure from ALL sides to be like everyone else? And I felt God saying to me, "It doesn't matter HOW they did it. What matters is that they did it." It all began to make sense when I realized that Faith requires us deciding to believe. And deciding to live for Him. They decided that they were going to walk by faith and please the Lord. Why or How isn't important. The ACT OF DECISION made the difference, and God rewarded their faithfulness. I am so selfish. I am crooked and perverse and evil from youth. I desire my own happiness above anyone else's. But I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. I am a NEW CREATION. I have the best of both worlds: The ability to make the decision that Enoch and Noah made (OT), and the grace of God that comes from receiving the gift of salvation made possible by Christ's death on the cross (NT). And so I don't know how I'm going to walk by faith. I don't know how I'm going to battle my evil nature every day. But I know that I CAN DO ALL THINGS IN CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH. I live my new life by the strength of Christ because I am a CHILD of the KING. And he has given me LIFE ABUNDANTLY. So this me allowing the whole virtual internet world to keep me accountable. Because I am going to live the Enoch Life and walk by Faith all my days. I will FAIL. Noah failed (he got drunk). Abraham failed (he lied and let Pharoah take his wife, twice). The people God found favor with were still "evil from youth." But God found favor with them anyway, and He used them. And I have been given blessings beyond what I deserve. I live in America and I have my physical needs taken care of in abundance (shelter, food, clothing,). I have been given a wonderful education, and I can read, write, do arithmetic, and be creative. I have been given many talents and I have learned many skills. I have a WONDERFUL FAMILY and FRIENDS and support system. And the KICKER is this: I DON'T DESERVE ANY OF IT. But God has given it to me anyway, and I so every day I will choose to trust Him and obey Him and give back to Him. I don't have any income right now. But I will trust God to take care of me. I don't have any job prospects right now. But I will trust God to take care of me. I don't have a boyfriend or any guy interests on the horizon. But I will trust God to provide that in His time. (Definitely not in the near future; I need to concentrate on student teaching and just walking with God). God is working on my heart and bringing me back to Him. I have recently been living the Gomer life. Now, I want to live the Enoch life. I'm in the desert. God is speaking gently to me. And I am realizing that HE is the one who is taking care of me and giving me what I need. I want to stay in the desert and just let God do a work in me for a while. I have about 3 weeks before I start student teaching. These next 3 weeks are going to be amazing as I surrender every day to God's will. I can't wait to see what God does in my life! My life verses now consist of the following: Genesis 5:21-24 Isaiah 26:8 Hebrews 11:5-6 God, you are FREE to do whatever you want in my life. I surrender to You. I choose to walk with You and live by faith. In your Holy and Powerful name, I claim the NEW CREATION you made me to be. Amen.

Keeping Up with the Joneses

I don't really know who the Joneses are, but I know I'm struggling to keep up with the pace of life right now while I'm dealing with stress, anxiety, some tiredness, not eating correctly, a friend going through suicidal depression, schoolwork demanding so much of my life, a friend going through post-partum depression with her baby still in NICU, trying to keep my sister healthy and sane and away from jerks and evil influences, trying to keep my parents happy, trying to include God in everything, trying to be someone my club is proud of so I can lead our prayer time effectively, trying to lead a group who would rather goof off than do any work, trying to have relationships with distant people, and probably more. Chocolate can only do so much. I'm impressed that I'm staying away from TV to do all this, since I gave it up for lent, but I NEED a stress reliever. I need rest.
God, I am WEARY and I AM BURDENED, and I am coming to you, for the rest only you can give. Help me, because people can me till I fall apart, and I'm falling apart, and trying not to let the rest of the world know. My spirit is willing, by my flesh is weak, and my strength is wearing thin. The warrior is a child, God. Hold that child in your arms while she cries, because she can't hold the tears in anymore.
I love you Father, and I'm yours. Always. Hold me .

plagued at midnight

My thoughts plague me at a late hour tonight. But the truth is, they have been tormenting me for hours now. Maybe even days.
Thoughts are not allowed to run rampant in our minds. Right? Wrong. They are. And that is how we are mentally destroying ourselves and others.
Our thoughts are slaves to our flesh, bound by the Devil who will not free us. We are rescued by our Heavenly Father, but even then, the Devil tries to re-captivate us through our thoughts. He has done it to me many times.
For years I thought I was a worthless human being who could not be used by God because of her own inadequacies and failures. The failures grew and grew and grew, and to this day I still struggle with believing that I CAN change myself and I CAN make a difference in the world. It's a struggle every day to wake up in the morning because, who would miss me if I didn't?
But the Bible says we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ. It doesn't just say, we take captive the good thoughts and make sure they fit with Christ. It doesn't say, we take captive every thought from 5am to 5pm. It says EVERY thought. Even the ones in the middle of the night that pull you awake, screaming or crying, or just plan silent, staring in fear and worry at the ceiling. It include those lustful thoughts about that someone that force their way into our minds at any random point of the day or night. It includes those depressing, I am worthless thoughts that hit you when you least expect it. All of those are to be taken captive and thrust into the fire. The FIRE, NOT the GARBAGE. They have to burn, change form, and never come back.
Why? Because God is in control. That's it. No other explanation. Our Sovereign Father has us in His arms, and he's NOT letting go. So why should we let our negative, depressing, lustful, harmful thoughts try to pull us out of his arms? The only power they have is what we give them. Otherwise, they are dead, worthless, pieces of ash. Ever noticed how similar the words TRASH and ASH are? I don't think that's a coincidence. But that's where those kinds of thoughts belong. The ones that should fill our minds should be centered around Christ, around faith, and hope, and around love. And on others, not ourselves. Because God's got us. Our job is to love God, love people. And we can't do that if don't take control of our minds. Our minds belong to Jesus. Not the Devil or ourselves. Now prove it. Take those thought captive. Don't give the Devil a foothold. Christ is the ONLY one with the power in our lives. Take hold of that truth, receive it, grasp it, and live it out.

MY JOY IS BACK!

Ever since I told God I'm His and I'm listening and He is my direction, I've been walking toward Him and my JOY is back! It's amazing to see the glow and the peace that I now have on my face!
Today was weird, but honestly, what I need is self-discipline. I need a sense of purpose. So this blog post isn't going to be long because I have lots to do, but NO MORE coming in the room and chilling before I finish what I have to do!!!
COME ON JOY! You can do it! I was counting God's blessings earlier and it made me feel SO MUCH BETTER!
Thank you Jesus!
<3 I love you.

Where do I go from here?

Ok God
you know my thoughts.
I don't really know what I'm doing.
My parents want to move, with your blessing.
So where does that leave me? I need to think about the future but without giving up the present. And the present - quiet time with you. What are you waiting for me to discover about yourself?
It's almost noon; I kinda wasted the morning. I need to spend time with you and then concentrate on helping mom.
God, I don't know where you're leading me, both now and in the future. I kind of see myself applying to teach both in Northwest Arkansas and Tennessee. But I'm not really sure. I guess it's totally up to you. So how do you want me to develop my relationship with you while I'm here with my family? And what discipline habits are the most necessary? I need to figure out how to take care of myself before I move on in life. Self denial. I guess that's what I'm hearing from You. Ok God.
I'll do my best.
I love you.

I'm listening.

Pecado

Soy pecadora. Siempre, cada dia, voy a pecar. Voy a desobedecerle a Dios, a mi Padre, quien me ama mas que todo menos su hijo. Pero pecar esta en mi cuerpo, y va a quedar alli hasta que muera y vaya a vivir con Cristo. No se cuando va a pasar eso. No se cuantos mas pecados voy a comitir. Pero lo que se con todo mi corazon es que Dios liberamente me da su perdon. LIBERAMENTE. Y cuando yo acepto lo que mi Padre me ofrece, eso me libera. ME LIBERA! Imediatamente! Necesito saber y reconocer que mis pecados no me definan. Para nada! Yo soy hija de Dios, y eso siempre voy a ser. El murio para todos, incluyendo a mi. Su sangre quito a todos los pecados, incluyendo los mios. El todavia me puede usar aunque fui tan sucia. Soy limpia, y mis pecados se los perdono y olvido mi papa. Dios me puede usar, y puedo ser amabasador de su reino. Mis pecados son de un genero sexual, pero ya no quiero ser esclavisado a ellos. Gracias Senor, Gracias Papito, Gracias Jesus. Soy libre! Para siempre!

He LOVES ME!

Last week truly was AMAZING! God really showed me that He loved me. He didn't give me more than I could handle and He knew He needed to show me He was still on my side. And He did! By letting me go home for Christmas, giving me some great Chi Rho girls, and great friends in Little Rock. now I have to learn what he wants from me. And I think it is an intimate relationship with him. The problem is I have such a hard time setting aside time for him.
So, I'm trying to decide what happened this weekend was, was it a gift or a test?
It's so hard to decide!
Basically my friends Ron and Kim were discussing who would be perfect for me. Apparently there is such a guy and his name is Timmy. So when Ron saw Timmy on Sunday she blurted out that I would be perfect for him, and he got all excited. He facebooked me (I didn't know this) and was like, ok when is she coming to little rock? Well, Ron called me and told me all this, and I was like oh my gosh! I'll be there this weekend!
Well, I called my mom and she was like, Joy, please just wait. Let guys pursue you. You know you don't need a relationship now, especially after what you've been through lately. And my brother said basically the same thing. They are so wise!
So I talked to Ron about it and was like, we would meet Timmy sunday night. I was like well I can't cuz I have to be back for projects and stuff. So we decided I would go. Well, Timmy found out he wouldn't see me on Sunday and he told Ron he was trying to get a group together and stuff, and Ron was like, well you can come to my house. I kind of freaked, so Ron and I prayed about it. He was coming in the apartment, and Austin and I were singing we are hungry. The 4 of us just hung out and talked for a while. Any time Timmy and I had a conversation by ourselves, like every once in a while, it was pretty serious. then we all wanted to go to bed. But Timmy wasn't tired. So I stayed up with him on the couch while Austin and Ron went into the other room and talked. We had serious conversations about God, life, and everything else under the sun. We discovered that we really do have a lot in common. And he confessed that he really wanted to meet me and stuff. So to make a long story short, we stayed up talking till 5 am. After he told me he was interested, he kind of made his way over to me, and he asked if he could hold my hand and we did. His hands felt so great. We prayed together, and finally went to bed after a pillow fight and a tickle fight. He's cool with my no-kissing thing, which is great. I care about him but I'm afraid he wants me to meet his need for a relationship. I don't want me to be that. I want to be a blessing from God to His life, what He needs, not what He wants. So we really need to take things slow. So I guess that's where I am at. I like him but I need to quit talking and thinking about him. Jesus is truly amazing!
God gave me an accountability partner tonight: Val! It was totally unexpected, but it's what we need! YAY! I'm too tired to write more but God really does love me. He shows it so much. He will always be my father and my lover and will always take me back. Thank you, Father! <3

Coming Back

Things I've realized lately:
I'm human. On my own, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. ANYTHING, and I DO mean ANYTHING that I do right, is because God's grace has enabled me to glorify Him through right actions.
I'm a daughter of hte King. He really does love me. Even though I'll let Him down more times than I can count, He's still willing to come into my filing cabinet and right His name on all of my F graded papers and failed projects. My sins, my mistakes, my wrong decisions, were all paid for. There is nothing stopping His forgiveness from reaching my soul except myself.
Things are cloudy in my head. I don't know how I feel about myself, God, my future, marriage, my feelings, pretty much anything anymore. But God brigns clarity if I just obey Him. I'm still human. I can still make decisions. But they have to have the right motives. And my motive for gettign a tattoo is to help remind me and those who see that my passion is His renown no matter how far away I stray. My motive for going to parties to befriend those people. I need God JSUT AS MUCH AS THEY DO. I need AS MUCH FORGIVENESS as they need. NOTHING in my life makes me a better person. I'm not a better person than ANYONE, no matter how badly anyone behaves. I'm merely forgiven. And I have a purpose the right actions I do. My right actions don't save me. They merely demonstrate where my heart lies. And I want these friends I'll be making to see that I'm not afraid of them. I'm not ashamed of my lack of fear. They need to see an example of what happens when God forgives someone. Yes I need a guy to come with me for my own protection. But that only means I value myself. Just because God loves these people doesn't mean I have to trust them. They're showing me their desires. It's my responsibilty to demonstrate that I can't meet those desires.
I want to come back to God. I'm that dirty princess for my old storybook, who left hte palace. Tried to be like those other kids. Got dirty. But when the King passed by, I still recognized that He's my Father. I can't throw things at Him. I can, but He's still my Father. So I have to go to the front door and allow Him to open it and let me back into His arms and let Him clean up my bruises.
Jesus, thank you for your grace. I don't know where I'd be without it, I need it so badly. Father, thank you for your love. That's all I can say is Thank you. And I'm sorry. Spirit, thank you for allowing me to talk to Jesus and God even when I'm unclean and you guys can't tolerate sin. Thank you for being my mediator and conscience. Thank you God for not giving up on me. I'm coming back, just like I promised. I'm still me. I still make my own decisions. But I'm YOUR CHILD. And my passion is your renown. Other Christians' view of me doesn't matter. I dont' want to cause them to stumble but one tattoo, and parties where I don't drink or smoke or dance, I don't think will do that. God, I WANT to care about my brothers and sisters, but I wasn't sent for them. My life is not lived for them. My purpose is to share Jesus with the broken. The broken are not the ones at Refuge. I mean yeah sort of. But the broken are in the underbelly of my school. And I have no judgment. Yes I'm easily influenced. But I know where I stand ultimately. I'm still confused. But I want to try. If you say no, go somewhere else, then fine, I'll go somewhere else. But I need to try. Because I LOVE these people.
I guess that's it for now. Thanks again for not giving up on me. I love you. And I've missed you, Jesus.

Utterly Hopeless

The mistakes I made this summer, cybering and stuff, just pushed me over the edge. I dont think I realized it, but I stopped loving myself. I never truly forgave myself. I remember driving one day, after having read a part of a book that talked about how God wanted to fall in love with me. I told ymself I was content with the father-child relationship I have with God.
And since then, yeah, I've read my bible a few times, and I read my utmost for his highest devotional book almost everyday, but when I got back to college I felt like i dont belong. I have this overwhelming sense of loneliness. So I got back on wire. and I cybered a little more becasue my friends pushed me. I haven't talked to him since and I'm not cybering anymore, but the only thing keeping me on the right track is my education. Honestly that's the only thing I'm caring about right now, because I want to influence kids and make a difference in their lives. And I need to get good grades to keep my scholarships. And I love being in the Honors Program.
But besides my education and my classses, everything else is suffering. I'm not even going to God. I dont think I talked to him all day, and that NEVER EVER happens. talking to him is just part of my day. Today I think I said a sentence to him maybe once, but I dont remember. I saw my unversity counselor today and even He is concerned. The last time I met with him, back in April, I was fine I just needed to meet and get some things off my chest, like the fact that I struggle with loneliness.
He asked me today if I was angry at God and I started crying. I never cry like that in front of people! ever! But yes, I am angry at God. He won't let me go home this Christmas. all of the plans I have made lately are foiled somehow someway. and I have this strong desire to smoke pot.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm in utter despair and I don't want to reach for the way that I knows leads up and out. Like, I WON'T reach for it. But I know there's no other way out. but I don't want to surrender. but I don't want to end up in jail or pregnant with no money or future or husband. So I don't know what to do. At all. Yes I do. But I can't right now. I don't know why but I can't. I'm out of hope. Completely.

Finding My Place

Well I'm back at school. Have been for about 24 hours. And I'mm feeling confused. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know what my place/role is here yet. Yeah some of my friends care about me..u they really don't care. I look around and I see lots of people getting together and calling each other. My friends are calling me out of obligation. I'm in XPФ, and my sisters are wonderful, but they're only my friends because they have to be. And none of the education majors like me much. And the international clubbers are great, but I feel distant from them. My roommate is so sweet, and she's buddhist. One of my best friends ever is an agnostic, and she doesn't even go to this school. My FAMILY is in FREAKING THAILAND! I feel SO DISPlACED!
Maybe it's the Devil trying to render me useless for the Kingdom. So I know that I need to find my worth, identity and palce in God as His child. Just typing that brings a sense of peace into my heart. I have a place of belonging. It's in the Kingdom of God, as His child, in His arms. Ahhh, peace restored.
These people need to be shown the true love of Jesus, either through me or through their friends. His love and renown beign spread is what matters. Yes, I matter. I'm trying to figure that out. I sometimes wish God hadn't given me desires. Because my fleshly ones get in the way and I don't understand why I matter as person if His glory is what matters most. Why did God create me with needs? I just wish my needs went away and all I needed was assurance that He loved me so that I could be COMPLETELY devoted to His will.
But that's not how it works. Instead I'm stuck with the distractions of boys, school, family, and whatever else. Ugh I hate this balancing act. But that peace is still there. I matter. And God can still be glorified through my failures and needs and distractions and weaknesses. That's what my latest song is about :)

Who do you think of First?

When you get extra money, you start thinking about what you will do with it. Who does that money eventually benefit? You or others?
When you discover extra time on your hands, what do you do with it? Who gets the benefit?
Who do you hang out with? Why?

These are questions I'm in the midst of asking myself. Because I realized that my time and money has gone to only myself this summer. I told God and myself that I would be sold out for Him. Did I follow through with that? Ashamedly, no. I failed. I called Mom and Dad yesterday morning, and I was on the verge of crying. I disappointed God! I let myself think of me first. At first I felt guilty about it and told myself, dear you need to wake up earlier and have your quiet time! But I just found excuses why not to, and kept waking up at the last possible minute. I have done that all my life. Why can't I change??!! The spirit it willing but the flesh is weak.
But I desire to change. The Bible says Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Seek ye first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you as well. So encouragement to myself: CHANGE IS COMING.

God has also been telling me something this summer: Feed my lambs. And those lambs are Cash and Jackson, too bored boys looking for things to do right beforeschool starts. Even though they are annyoing and they have come to my house to hang out with me when I'm napping and busy, they need the guidance that I can give them. God was telling me this and I wasn't listening. Well, I'm listening now God!

Rachel vs Leah

I have come to the conclusion that I was not meant to be Leah.

I was meant to be Rachel.

the problem is, I'm considered by many men (subconsciously) as a Leah. I have fairer skin, not very pronounced features, and I am the older sister. My sister has the more attractive features. She's beautiful. And in my mind, a lot more so than me. And of the guys who know both of us, they are more attracted to her. My personality and maturity is evident, but of the guys who have had the choice between her and I, all have chosen her. This isn't the first time I've thought about this. She and I know that she is the hot one and I am the smart one.
I've had boyfriends, and relationships, and I'm very grateful for them. I thought my last relationship would last forever. But his feelings for me weren't as deep as mine were (and still are) for him. Before me, he dated a girl who was ironically named Leah. And now they are constant friends. They've been friends since they were like 3 years old, and now they don't talk often, but they are still fairly close. And I look at my relationship with him, and I see that pattern beginning to happen with us. My heart is screaming, "I'm not another Leah! I'm a Rachel! And I want to be YOUR RACHEL!"
But I can't control this situation. The best thing for em to do is let him go. For myself. I have a lot of friends who were going to marry and some were even engaged to men, and they ended up not. They either married other men or are still single. And I've thought I was going to marry this man. But I could be wrong. And I HATE that thought with every fiber of my being. But I have to accept it. I have to let God be in control of my future. I'm trying to manipulate to how I want it to turn out. But I'm not in control. I'm just NOT.
So here I am, with all these desires of being a Rachel. I want to be pursued. I want him (who ever God chooses) to see me and say, "I want HER. With all of me, I want HER." Almost every girl I know has that desire. It's how we were made. And I know a guy who has told me that if he's ever getting married, the girl will be the one proposing to him, because he doesn't really want to get married. Dumbbutt!!!
I really wish I could run up to my ex and sing him that song Realize by Colbie Caillat. But I then I realize myself that that wouldn't be letting him go.

I don't know what else to say at this point, except,
Father God, help me. I need you. I need to love you and resurrender to you and fall head over heels for you again. I'm planning my way, but You determine my steps. Thank you for that comfort. Thank you for being in control. Help me take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to you. Not my will but yours, Lord.

Struggles and Stress < Hope!

This morning, I learned that I'm going to struggle EVERY morning with forgiving myself. I'm going to struggle ALL throughout EVERY day with denying myself the satisfaction of comfort. That doesn't mean I don't take care of myself, but I have to trust God to provide sleep when I know that what I need to do is spend time with Him and clean the bathroom instead of take a nap. I got a lot of sleep last night, but it was dream-filled. I don't even remember what I dreamed, but I've been dreaming this WHOLE summer. Mr Ron told me it might be because of stress. And I've been getting canker sores a lot of this summer; about 3 of them so far, which isn't normal. So I guess I am under stress.
And I don't like it. I don't like how I'm feeling inside. I hate this battle every day of deciding how I'm going to feel and how I'm going to approach every minute of every day. It's tiring. Satan and God are really fighting over me right now, I know it. Some conservative people would say I'm crazy, but I believe we underestimate the war between the 2 spiritual forces.
I wonder if angels still fall into temptation? They're not always in heaven, God uses them here on earth sometimes. I wonder if Satan and demons trick them into betraying God. Well, I just asked my pastor and he has no idea because the Bible doesn't really speak on that issue at all. But anyways, back to the Spiritual war. My pastor just said this war has a purpose, it's not like they're fighting without reason. They're fighting over us. So it's very logical to believe that they're fighting over me every minutes of every day. I probably do have both a guardian angel and a demon who's trying to trick me.
It's like Screwtape letters. Satan can't be everywhere at once. But he has legions and legions of demons. And God CAN be everywhere at once. And he has placed the Holy Spirit in us, and he probably has placed an angel in charge of keeping me safe until its time. I believe that. So if you look at it that way, God is keeping me 3x times more safe than Satan is trying to get me to fall.
And I'm just speculating here. But the Bible clearly says "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one." (John 10:27-29). And that verse gives me complete hope. Because no matter how hard Satan tries, he CAN'T separate me from the love and provision and hand of God. And he's not trying that hard.
What he IS trying to do is make me ineffective in God's kingdom. He's trying to get me to, if possible, turn others away from entering into God's kingdom. And to be honest, He's probably succeeded. And that's where I come in. I choose to be effective. I choose to be sold out for Christ. I choose to enter into this daily struggle and say "no matter what it takes, I'll follow God." Because I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back. Well, okay, I'll fall. I'll turn around. But I have faith in God to bring me back to Him every time. I promised Him that I would ALWAYS come back to Him. Because I'm His child.
And that promise is possibly gonna take a lot of work on His part. He's gonna have to come looking for me. I'm a stupid sheep who strays at almost anything. And then I'm going to lay down and not move till He comes looking for me. And He will. He always will. I will listen to His voice and I will know that it's Him. And I'll re-surrender, just like my song says.
This blog post started out discouraging and depressing. Because everyday, and multiple times daily, I will struggle will many different sorts of temptations. And I'm under stress and I don't like it. But I started listening to Hill-song right before starting this blog, and I feel encouraged. Because God saved me. I'm gonna be alright. And God's mercies are new every morning. A thousand times I fail, but His mercy remains. So does His forgiveness. So if you're reading this right now, Be encouraged! God won't let you out of His hand. He'll always bring you back :).

Comfort

It has come to my realization that I very much value comfort over almost anything else. I say that I'm going to be sold out for God. I say that I'm going to change my sleeping habits and increase the work I do around the house I live in. However, when it actually comes down to the time I said I would do those things, I decide, for whatever reason I have at the moment, that I'll just revert back to my old ways. And I don't change. I realized as I was headed to work this morning that my comfort shouldn't matter. I'm not trusting God to take care of my needs for sleep and happiness when I take care of my own needs. I need to put work first and helping around the house second. And I need to pay attention to my body, as in allot time for eating and sleeping and be careful with what I eat, because god wants me to take care of my body; that's my responsibility. But as far as doing things because they make me feel better like spending long hours on the computer or not getting up for quiet time in the morning so that I'm late to work even tho I'm the only one there, or not going to bed on time because I'm enjoying talking to people, or not helping around the house because I don't have the energy, or forgetting to do laundry, or anything like that, I'm sick of those decisions that I've been making. I refuse to be useless. God will take care of what I want. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. When I delight myself in the Lord, my priorities change, and God still takes care of me. So I'm going to change. Comfort is now NO LONGER a priority. And with that, I'm off to the hot sun to get the mail.

Pensamientos En Espanol

Voy a escribir en espanol, porque no le he hecho en mucho tiempo. Ahorita estoy en Arkansas, disfrutando el verano y el estudio biblico y el trabajo con los ninos y mucho mas. Ya casi se termina mi tempo aqui, y regreso a la universidad en menos de 2 semanas!
Estaba escuchando para la voz del Senor este manana, y oi estas palabras en mi corazon: Toma mi yugo sobre ti. Alimenta mis ovejas.
No se que hacer con esos instrucciones. No se cuales ovejas. Se que es figurativo; viene directamente de las Escrituras. Pero de todas maneras, no se en que manera el quiere que yo tome su yugo. Cual yugo? El tiene muchos no? Pero sobre todo, se que estas palabras estan confirmando en mi el pensamiento de que estoy en ese ciudad para un razon, y es para ser parte del gran proposito de Dios. No se cual parte; talves es con mi iglesia, o talvez va haber una programa secular con ninos con la cual puedo ayudar. No se el ministerio especifico. Lo unico que se es que Dios quiere usarme en gran manera en la ciudad donde esta mi escuela para estas 2 anos que me faltan. Y yo no creo que me va a usar mucho en la universidad. Creo que el quiere que yo sea usado en otras partes. Talvez me equivoco, y eso esta bien. Pero esos son mis pensamientos ahorita.

Temporary Mess

I was listening to the song called Times, by Tenth Avenue North this afternoon, and I just started bawling my eyes out. Because I realized how lost and confused and hurt and ugly and messy I was. I was in the living room, where my Grannie and Mr. Ron could walk by me at any point, and I still just lost it. So I went upstairs and closed the door and bawled my eyes out for about 30 minutes, while I picked songs I was in the mood to listen to. Mostly it was just that song Times over and over again. But I also listened to Ocean Floor by Audio Adrenaline to try and help me feel better. And then, I realized I just needed to write. So I wrote. And I wrote some more. And I thought, and wrote some more. And what came out was this: a song called Temporary Mess, written by Me, today, July 25, 2010:

Verse 1
When I look in the mirror I see a mess
I’m convinced that others see even less
The good I do is cancelled out
By my sinful nature that seems to shout
She’s no good, and she never will be
So just let her be, go on and leave
You can’t hear my heart cry “don’t go”
Someday the angel inside me will show
Chorus
//Yes I’m a mess. For now an ugly mess
But I can’t stop believing
In the beautiful ending//
Verse 2
When He takes me home, all will be cured
The evil left behind and my heart pured
So wait, just wait. Hold on to the hope
As long as I continue to cope
That I will turn out just fine
He’s holding me, just give me time
I can’t give up, I have to believe
Someday holiness I’ll achieve
Bridge
The mess is only temporary
God is changing me (4x)

I have decided I love this song. And the music I put to it goes really well with it. It's a little more fast paced than I usually write, and I think it was inspired a little by BarlowGirl. Althought I can't make it sound like it was written because I think I need an electric guitar and some drums. And I don't play either instrument.
So that's how I'm feeling. God loves me and forgives me no matter what. I'm still gonna hold out for that beautiful ending, no matter how ugly the mess looks at the moment. Father, thank you for the hope you've given me. Romans 5:1-2. And I think I just found my verses to memorize this week! Yay :)

God's Forgiveness

God forgives us. *silence* Ok, let me try that again. GOD FORGIVES US! *tears or joy and cheers hooray* ok that's much better.

No matter how many times I mess up, or how bad I think I mess up, God forgives. He forgives me! He already forgave me! He put in this place, at this job, knowing everything that was going to transpire. He knew when I was 14 when I made the no kissing commitment believing that it would stop me from committing any other sexual sin that I was going to mess up right here, right now. He knew it. And He still chooses to love me and forgive me and use me and clean me up and help me start over. God puts his treasure in earthen vessels, in jars of clay. Not perfect, beautiful, look-at-this amazing jar. He wants us to look more at the treasure than the jar. And the jar should feel honored that the treasure is in them.

It's like the tale of the three trees. One tree wanted to be fit for a king. Another tree wanted to become a ship fit to sail the seas for a King or a mighty sailor. And the third tree wanted to point to God on the mountain His whole life. Well, all the trees were cut down. The first was made into a manger for hay and for cows to feed from. It said to itself what is this? I wanted to be fit for a king! And then one day, a baby was placed inside it. And this baby was no ordinary Baby. It was Jesus! So the manger held a king! But no one paid attention to the manger, they paid attention to the Baby, and that was quite all right with the manger :). The second tree was made into a small sail boat. It was like what is this? I'm not fit to travel the high seas in this! But then one day a miracle happened. during a huge thunderstorm, one the passengers on the boat commanded the seas to calm down, and they listened. So in the little boat was a man whom even the wind and seas obeyed. And no one paid attention to the boat, merely the man in the boat. And that was perfectly fine with the boat. The third tree didn't want to be cut down. He wanted to stand there and point to God all his life. But one day, he was made into a cross, and was carried up a mountain. The put a man on it, and sign up above the man that said King of the Jews. God was on that cross. And the cross knew. He was pointing to God. no one cared about the cross, only the man on the cross, who rose from the dead 3 days later. And that was perfectly fine with the cross. (I'm paraphrasing the story a lot, and it comes from a kids book.)

My point is, the cross and boat and manger weren't glorified. But they each had a purpose. And they were used for God's glory. They weren't perfect tools. I'm not perfect. I make so many mistakes I can't even look at myself sometimes. But God still chose to use me and He's going to continue to use me. No matter how bad I am, I promised God I would keep coming back to Him. And I do. I keep coming back. God loves me. He sent His son to die for me even though I don't think I was worth it sometimes. Thank heaven God is not a fair God! I deserve hell. I really do. But God in his mercy brought from the dead back to life. I was dead in my transgression, and He gave me life. May the Name of the Lord be praised forever! He changes lives; all creation bows down to Him!

God used my sin for good. I now have experienced firsthand God's unconditional forgiveness. I am having a hard time forgiving myself. The sin I committed feels unbearable. And there are worse sins I could have committed. But God in His divine mercy forgave me. And now, healing begins. And my testimony has just grown stronger.
Right after I told myself I would be sold out for Jesus, I messed up royally. So it proved that I cant' do this on my own. And I can't be sold out without surrendering all of me. And I couldn't surrender without first being broken. So now I'm broken. Completely. And I'm placing the broken pieces of my life in God's hands. And there they'll stay even after He fixes them :)

He's Pursuing Me

He's Pursuing Me.

My Savior is intimately pursuing a relationship with me. He didn't just say, "ok. you're safe." and walk off. No. Wouldn't you be mad if that happened? Wouldn't you say "Wait! Come back! My prince charming and I are supposed to live happily ever after! Wasn't there a reason you chose me and saved me?" It reminds me of Shrek. He rescues her and is going to take her to another prince, who wants to live happily ever after with her but didn't want to do the work to rescue her because he wanted to become king and not do anything to jeopardize that. If I were Fiona I'd be like "TAKE ME BACK TO IMPRISONMENT!" Which I think is what she wanted. At one point she decided she wasn't going. So Shrek forced her by picking her up. But anyways I'm sidetracking.

That's not what Jesus did. In Isaiah ch 40, God is speaking to his people Israel, whom he saved from Egypt and has been with them ever since. However, they've turned away multiple times. Wouldn't you hate to have Israel as the princess whom you were rescuing? "Oh you saved me! THANK YOU! Now go away we have our own stuff to do for a while. We'll call you when we need you again." But God is still FOREVER FAITHFUL to them. He's the perfect prince. He says to them while they're in captivity, (Isaiah 41:8-10)

8But you, Israel, my servant,
Jacob, whom I have chosen,
the offspring of Abraham, my friend;
9you whom I took from the ends of the earth,
and called from its farthest corners,
saying to you, "You are my servant,
I have chosen you and not cast you off";
10fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I found this set of verses when I was an adolescent, around 12 or 13 or 14; I can't remember. But I do remember how they made me feel. I wrote a song about them. "I have chosen you and have not rejected you" was the main line of my song. That really captivated me. At that age I was experiencing a lot of rejection from my peers. Part of it was my fault, but they still weren't giving me chance; they were only finding fault with me. And I saw them mess up but they still loved each other. It wasn't fair. Today, I feel rejected more from guys my age. But part of it is still my fault, because I'm mostly immature and not ready for a relationship. But the fact that God chose me, and hes NOT rejected me, still means something to me. He is my rescuer.

Right now, I'm being a lot like Israel. Somedays I say, "oh by the way God, thanks for saving me. I'm gonna go do my own thing today and I'll see you later." But I read a story about this woman who spend a significant amount of time in her morning with God, kneeling at a corner of her bed. Later on that day, she would glance over at that corner, remind herself that she gets to spend the next morning with God, and gain joy from that knowledge. It's like me when I know my boyfriend is going to call the next day and when I remember, I get really excited. Who cares if I'm ditching homework or something else important? I get to talk to my man! And that's how she felt about God. That's where I want to be.

I've been reading Crazy Love. That's where I got that about story. But one of the things Francis Chan said is that we can't force ourselves to fall in love with Christ. We have to allow His Spirit to come in us and fill us with His love. We fall in love with Him using the love He first gave us. I don't know specifically how it works but I do know that it works. His love is as powerful as He is. So when we have that power in us, there's nothing we can't love. And THAT right there brings me joy :D.

It's time for me to close this blog post. But know this: no matter many times I decide to do my own thing, I will always return to my Savior, and be filled with His love so I can fall in love with Him.

God's Multipurpose Instrument

Surrender - one of the least liked words in the American language (according to me), and one of the hardest things to do, especially in my relationship with God. I have to surrender my whole self, everything about me, even the things I hold on to most tightly, well, especially those. I hold on to my ex, I hold on to my future and my plans, my job, any kind of security I feel, I hold on to it, because I don't want to let it go. And I realize that it comes down to a trust issue. How much do I really trust God with? And when I look at my life and my lifestyles and my habits, I see that it's not much. I take control of things and I justify taking control by any excuse I can come up with. I take control of my social life by going online and finding new friends who won't judge me or keep me accountable when I'm sick of being dissected and rebuked, especially when I need those rebukes the most. I'm constantly looking for the next thing that will satisfy my needs, instead of letting those things come as God provides. As a result, I fall further and further away from living the life God has called me to live. He has called me to be set apart; instead, if I were the one Christian in a crowd, you wouldn't be able to tell. I'd be acting just like them. I care about what others think about me so I mold myself in order to be liked. And honestly, it doesn't work. You ended up with this confused girl who seems really sweet and fun and funny, but who can't really keep the friends she's made. And because I'm far away from God, I have no solution at this point.

But God is faithful.

Joshua 1:9 - ...the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Philippians 1:6 - ...that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:28 We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:37-39 No, in all these things we are more than victorious through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!

Isaiah 40:31 but those who trust in the LORD will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint.

there are so many more verses I could quote, but these are some main ones that present different on God's response to us. :)

Dilemma

Can I be friends with my ex without letting my emotions overpower my mind?

I talked to my parents, and they made these points
- I shouldn't cut him off completely unless he's a bad influence on me, which he isn't, because they wouldn't have let me date him if they thought that
- I need to learn the skill of keeping my emotions in check
- I want to be his friend
- He wants to be my friend
- I told them that I need to learn to surrender him and any future with him to God, and they said I can do that without cutting of communication

so knowing all of this, I don't see why I can't glorify God and keep his as a friend at the same time. So, I'll tell him I want to be his friend. But I won't tell him anything about giving any thoughts of a future with him over to God because that's just manipulating him. Surrender means letting God take care of him and a future with him and not taking matters into my own hands. I have to LET GO, and I can still do that while being his friend. I need to learn how to just be his friend anyway. He's a great guy and a great friend to me.