It's not about me

This week and last week have been crazy. I've dealing with:
1: my future roommate, who just told me a week ago that's she attracted to girls as well as guys. She's not techinically bisexual becasue she doesn't do sexual relationships, but she's attracted to both. not me, but she allows herself to have crushes on girls. But I'm telling myself, give it to God; it's not about me.
2: my social club, Chi Rho Phi, which is experiencing a little bit of drama, as usual, while watching me grow into a person that cares more about them. they see that i'm less self-centered, but they're still a little guarded. so progress is being made. But I'm telling myself, give it to God; it's not about me.
3: my family, which is always on my mind, because they're so far away. i hate being an adult because im still having trouble keeping up with finances!!! but Phil, my younger brother by 16 months, is fine! he's going into the Naval Academy! he's disciplined and self-controlled and loves the Lord and not hindered by girls, gosh, he's my role model. and my sister is being chased by this guy and she's able to say no! But I'm telling myself, give them to God; it's not about me.
4: my school work, which is almost overwhelming me. i have projects in art, projects in instructional technology, paper in theatre, group play in theatre, test in life science, test in math, hw in math, and quizzes in western civ. i'm going to BURST! But I'm telling myself, give it to God; it's not about me.
5: my lifeguarding class. I get my certification on Sunday, IF I pass everything. Can I do it? But I'm telling myself, give it to God; it's not about me.
6: my summer. I'm jobless and homeless at the moment. 2 things are possiblities but I don't even know if they'll open up all the way. But I'm telling myself, give it to God; it's not about me.
So in conclusion. All these things, are God's now. The Bible says Seek ye First the kingdon of God and his righteousness. I'm seeking righteousness God, I'm trusting you to provide for me and take care of me. I'm not good at letting go. Help. No es facil seguirte, ya lo se. Y fuera de ti yo se que nada lo puedo hacer. Se muy bien que lo que tienes para mi es mejor de lo que pudiera tener. Por eso hoy te entrego todo lo que soy, y quiero que tu llenes todo mi interior. Quiero seguirte a ti; quiero morir a mi.

songs

I wanna be righteous in your eyes
I wanna be a fragrant sacrifice
I wanna bring joy to your heart
Set me apart
coyright Melanie Williams! no stealing allowed!

(that one is unfinished. I'm still working on it.)


Re-surrender
By Melanie Williams
April 5th, 2010
Inspired by Hosea chapter 2

Jesus, I’ve been unfaithful
I’ve chased after the wrong lovers
I forgot your love, forgot your grace
I forgot you provisions for me

Now I need help comin’ back to you
Let me feel your presence drawing me
Woo me into the desert
Speak tenderly to me
Make a door of hope for me
And I’ll re-surrender to you

Father I’ve been deceitful
Claimed I loved you but I ignored you
I neglected you and your will for my life
I stopped giving my time to you

Arranged Marriages

This is going to sound super weird, but think about your parents. Think about how well they know you, and think about what they want for you. Also think about what they believe about God and about their purpose in life and your purpose in life. Think about what kind of guy or girl they would choose for you if it was their job. This doesn't apply to you if you have parents who aren't involved in your life or don't share your faith. Well, mine do. They love me, they know what kind of person of I am, and they have even higher standards of living than I do. They know what kind of guy I would need: A decent-looking, good man who loves the Lord and feels called to the mission field. He would also need to be compatible with my personality. To be completely honest, because my parents are who they are, I wouldn't mind an arranged marriage. And I know this sounds completely crazy, like who wouldn't want to choose their own husband? I want to find someone with whom I can spend the rest of my life glorifying God and telling others about Jesus. I feel like God would bless my marriage no matter who chose the man, me or my parents. And marriage doesn't have to have feelings of love to start it. Love and romance can grow. Respect, honor, and purpose, and enjoying each other's company are required. Which is why there would have to be some period of courtship. I wouldn't want to show up at my wedding never having met my groom. But my parents wouldn't agree to that, so I have nothing to worry about. Not that my parents would agree to an arranged marriage either; they've already told me they want me to pick my own husband. I know this is a totally foreign concept, but seriously, in India, there are debates about love marriages versus arranged marriages EVERY day, especially among Christians. I know that's a totally different culture, which is why my acceptance of that aspect helps confirm my calling to be a missionary. Joy, how does that have anything to do with your calling in life, you ask? Well, I think that being a missionary involves a spiritual gift. You have to have been given an ability to learn languages, a desire to reach people for Christ, and ease in adapting into any culture. I guess those aren't requirements, but I do have all 3 of those. I'm kingdom minded, I love languages, and I'm open-minded and willing to adapt to any culture. Mind you, I said culture not religion. Well, I have to go now, but that's just something I was thinking about. If you have comments or questions, feel free to let me know.

Jesus, My First Love

The title of this blog is deceiving. At the moment, Jesus is not my first love. Men that are seen by my eye that I find attractive easily capture my attention. I begin to obsessively put my efforts into talking to boys "nonchalantly." I'm BOY-CRAZY. Have you ever seen the show "Hoarders?" There was one episode I watched where they got rid of 8000 pounds of trash in that woman's house. She was a level 5 hoarder. Her house was condemned, and unfit to live in. It was BAD. Well, my boy-craziness is at level 5. I haven't known anyone more boy-crazy than me. My heart is unfit for God for to live in. There's piles of remnants of past boyfriends and unspoken crushes and failed attempts at boyfriends. It affects everything. It's affected my self-esteem, my efforts in pleasing God, my efforts at going to church and doing service projects. It even affects my efforts at getting ready in the morning, especially if I know I'm going to see a cute guy! I've concentrated on boys and being attractive while being genuine my whole life. My past is littered with all of this. My friend Grace told me "For me, who is not boy-crazy to come around someone who is, I could tell from the day I met you that you were." And this thought was echoed by all the girls in my room last night. This obsession of mine has made my life unfit for service to God. And that grieves me because I wanted God to be my first love. I wanted to think I was learning how to get God to meet my needs. And now, it's become so hard to let go. I'm so afraid of not being pursued, which is dumb because I'm making it impossible for guys to pursue me anyway. I'm afraid that I won't know who Mr. Right is if I'm totally focused on God, which is also dumb because I'll be so in-tune with God that He will tell me, "It's Him." I love these 2 quotes: "A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man has to seek Him to find her," and "Dance with God, He will let the right man cut in."
Today is preparation day. I'm entering into a period of fasting from guys and dancing with God. I'm removing all unhealthy behavior and relationships with guys. This includes Scotty and Justin. Before I discuss the particulars, which probably aren't complete yet, I'm going to define the purpose.
The purpose my fast is to make my heart fit for God to dwell in as Lord and to become ready to serve Him. To show God and myself that He can be my First Love.
The way I will accomplish these goals is by leaving behind empty and need-based relationships. By replacing thoughts of "cute boy, he's attractive, speak to Him," with many other thoughts, including Scripture, thoughts of "I need you God, I can't do this on my own", maybe even prayers for my future husband or remembering the blessings God has given me. In my conversations with boys, I need to remember that I might be talking to someone else's future husband, so how I want other women to treat my future husband is how I will treat other men.
This fast will last indefinitely until God brings the right man into my life. I am not dating. I am not beginning conversations with guys. I am checking my motives before I get dressed in the morning and before I go places for leisure. I am going to spend much of my leisure time with God instead of on facebook. When thoughts enter my head about boys, I will, like I said, replace them with more suitable and pleasant thoughts. And I will be praying. A lot.
Father,
I feel called to do this for you. I want you to be my First Love, like I tell others that you are. I don't want to idolize and obsess over boys like I have my whole life. My heart should belong to only you, until you see it to hand a piece of it over to the man you choose. Help me make this a reality. Help me find the right girls to keep me accountable. I love you. I'm Yours Forever. Amen.
Love your Daughter, Melanie

To My Child/ Hear My Voice

(V1) I see you
Fill up on the world
But then you're not satisfied
I watch you
Give your heart away
And then take it back broken
I want you to know
I will never let you go

(Chorus) Hear my voice
Listen to me
I'm only one
Who gave His Son up for you
Hear my voice
And trust in me
I know you'll see
That you need me
And I won't let you down

(V2) I love you
Oh child I made you
And I'm still holding you
I have plans for you
Plans to prosper you
Absolutely not harm you
I want you to know
I will never let you go

(Back to chorus)

And I won't let you down

I saw God, and I ignored Him

Dennis Jernigan is an amazing Christian music artist, whom God has used immensely during his life as a follower of Jesus. God brought him from a place of bondage to Satan and homosexuality to life and freedom and the experience of true love, from both God and his wife, with whom he now has 9 children. There's a song that he has just recently put on youtube to share with everyone, and it was actually written he says in March 1990, almost 20 years ago. Guess what happened then as well? That's right: MY BIRTH! And Ashton's! (my suitemate from the previous post)

I need to get back to God. He loves me, and I've been ignoring him for the past two weeks. Dennis is singing about the lillies as I write this, and "he cares for me" is repeated over and over, and I ask myself, why am I ignoring those words, and especially the One about whom those words are spoken? God is calling my name, and I am looking to get my needs met from other people! I even went so far as to talk to strangers online; people who could potentially be dangerous and out to get me! After hearing their voices and their stories and all 10 of us talking together and only like 2 of them having met each other, I'm almost 100% sure none of them are dangerous, but still...the principle of the matter is don't talk to strangers. And I did. They met my needs. I was told to stop more than once and it took me 2 weeks. And then after a week, I resumed contact with one of them! I was having him meet my needs instead of opening that precious letter or talking to the God who SAVED me and LOVES me more than ANY of these! I wrote a song about how much he loves me and I heard a sermon about it on Tuesday, and I'm still ignoring it?? How can this be?? And worst of all, I have no motivation to even open my Bible right now!
Father,
change my attitude about you, and about my relationship with you. Give me the desire to run to You instead of others. Don't let it get to point where Israel got, as described in Hosea. Don't strip away everything I have until I acknowledge that is You who gives me what I need. I acknowledge that. Help me come back you, and rely on you. Help me to think of you with peace joy whenever that I-need-a-man thought crosses my mind...

Dennis is now singing a song he wrote called Run into the Arms of Jesus. "Hope is found in that desperate place when you've fallen down, when you need some grace, and hope is found when you've given up, when you can't go on, when you've had enough, just RUN TO THE ARMS OF JESUS!" Father, I'm giving up. I'm letting go of everything I'm holding on too, the things I'm keeping from you, even the ones that are just bad feelings and behaviors. I love you. I'm yours again. I surrender again. Use me. Change me. Give me hope and peace and love and joy. Help me feel loved again. Help me obey even when I don't feel loved. I'm yours, God. I truly am. In your Precious Name, Amen

My suitemate saw God

This is a story my suitemate wrote. It's a beautiful story about how God has revealed himself to her lately. Oh, and the girl in her last story, her friend, yep, that's me! I'm glad that instance really blessed her. I had no idea she would post that for others to see. :)

Here it Ashton's story:
Recently...well, lets be honest...for quite some time I have been in a very huge "drought" stage in my faith. I've made some mistakes that have been seriously holding me back and I've been lacking in trust. In all truthfulness, I think I was waiting for God to make the first move. In the past few weeks I decided to attempt to move in that direction on my own. The first thing I decided to do was to purchase a book by my favorite author, Ted Dekker, called "the slumber of Christianity." The whole idea so far is that we have fallen asleep to the beauty and promise of our Christian faith. We have forgotten that the pleasures of this world are reminders of the complete and utter bliss that awaits us in the next life! New testament believers were completely focused on that ultimate prize and it allowed them to lose sight of the sin that hounded them on earth. It also allowed them to appreciate the beauty of the pleasures we can experience on this earth because we know those pleasures are only a faint shadow of what is to come!

Well, this whole concept got me rather excited and I decided that I wanted to think and experience life in that way, but I think I still was waiting for God to make the first move. Well, today in chapel, I saw a glimmer of that first move. An amazing speaker blessed us with his testimony. He told us the story of his transition from sin to grace to redeemed and it was beautiful. I think almost everyone in chapel was in tears, which is rather surprising since usually people sleep or do homework in chapel. He was completely unafraid to speak of his particular sin, which is almost completely taboo to speak of in churches today. His admission was utterly heart-wrenching, but along with it he provided this hope. He spoke of a love and a freedom from sin that only God can provide. He was living proof that people really can turn completely away from any sin and accept God's love and forgiveness. My favorite thing he said was that "we don't get to choose whether God loves us or not. He just does." But what was so awesome about it was that he kept saying that we need to seek the kingdom, and that the best way to do that is to seek the King. I knew right then that God was reassuring me and reinforcing this idea of living for the kingdom which is to come.

The next crazy thing that happened occurred right after chapel. I was walking around with my friend and she just completely randomly walked up to this guy sitting in a seat in chapel. She just went right over and asked if he wanted her to pray for him. He said sure and she just knelt down right there and spouted out this amazing prayer and by the time she was done im pretty sure the guy was in tears. But that's not even the best part. The most amazing thing about that was that the girl was already late for class when she asked if she could pray for the guy. By the time this was all over, she had missed nearly 15 minutes of class. But she didn't care. Afterwards I asked her what made her do that and she simply said, "I felt led to." She gave up her time completely and utterly ... for a complete stranger. After all of this, there was no doubt in my mind that God was showing himself to me in a way I had never even imagined possible and it was beautiful.

I saw God in the pages of a book filled with hope.

I saw God in a man with the courage and humility to bare his soul in front of thousands of students.

I saw God in a girl kneeling selflessly in prayer over a stranger.

Today I saw God, and He was beautiful.