MY JOY IS BACK!

Ever since I told God I'm His and I'm listening and He is my direction, I've been walking toward Him and my JOY is back! It's amazing to see the glow and the peace that I now have on my face!
Today was weird, but honestly, what I need is self-discipline. I need a sense of purpose. So this blog post isn't going to be long because I have lots to do, but NO MORE coming in the room and chilling before I finish what I have to do!!!
COME ON JOY! You can do it! I was counting God's blessings earlier and it made me feel SO MUCH BETTER!
Thank you Jesus!
<3 I love you.

Where do I go from here?

Ok God
you know my thoughts.
I don't really know what I'm doing.
My parents want to move, with your blessing.
So where does that leave me? I need to think about the future but without giving up the present. And the present - quiet time with you. What are you waiting for me to discover about yourself?
It's almost noon; I kinda wasted the morning. I need to spend time with you and then concentrate on helping mom.
God, I don't know where you're leading me, both now and in the future. I kind of see myself applying to teach both in Northwest Arkansas and Tennessee. But I'm not really sure. I guess it's totally up to you. So how do you want me to develop my relationship with you while I'm here with my family? And what discipline habits are the most necessary? I need to figure out how to take care of myself before I move on in life. Self denial. I guess that's what I'm hearing from You. Ok God.
I'll do my best.
I love you.

I'm listening.

YOU are my direction.

I give it all cuz I'm drawn to you.
As long as my heart is beating.
Where you lead me I will follow.
Forever and a day.
I can't deny Your very presence is my life
And why would I ever turn away.
Cause deep inside I know that I cannot rely
On anything less than faith.
This is all I'm dreaming of
To live completely in your love.

Lost

Joy: "God, Satan's winning. The forces inside me are fighting at different strengths at different times, and it's never gonna end, but I don't have enough determination. I'm far from you. And I just, I'm spent."
God: "Oh my darling, don't you remember? If I am for you, who can be against you?"
Joy: "But God, my flesh is weak, and my spirit is less willing than it used to be."
God: "My grace is sufficient for you; my power is made perfect in your weakness."
Joy: "God, I have no self-control. I'm not walking in the Spirit, and I don't know how to start up again."
God: "My dear, you were faithful in the small things yesterday. You do just enough. She who is faithful in the little is faithful also in much."
Joy: "But God, I'm also unfaithful in the little, and I will be unfaithful in the much."
(Long pause.)
This is where I am. There are so many truths in the word that point to living for Jesus. But my motivation, my desire, my determination, all of it has all but disappeared. The only thing keeping me alive is knowing I can't give up. I'm truly hanging on by a thread. If I gave up, I would no longer have a goal: to teach children to love Jesus. I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know how to talk to God anymore. I don't know how to approach him. I don't have self-control in any area: get-ready, money, school work; if I don't want to do something, chances are I won't. And I don't know how to change.

God, I'm crying out to you. Hold me, bring me peace, give me a revelation.I have no idea what to do or where to go or how to come back to you. You have to do the work because I'm lost. Completely. And I'm not sure if I want my parents to know. And I have no idea how to get back into your arms. Daughter, you never left them. I've always held you. ok God, hold me. Direct my paths. I can't trust in my own understanding because I have no idea what to do or where to go. If I asked you to help me lay down my pride, well, ok, because I have no reason to have any anymore. Help me be willing to lay it down. Just hold me.

Alive, Well, and Home!

I'm home. No, correction: I'm HOME. REALLY. HOME. :) So happy to be here with my family! I love this place; I love this city. I love my family, I love my new computer. I love sleep, which is where I'm headed. I'm looking forward to being here with them for a while. But to survive, I need patience, humility, and a servant's heart. Then I'll be good to go as far as making sure I promote unity among my family. So with that in mind, I'll write more later, but I'm pooped. Goodnight, people who are just now starting Christmas day :).

How am I gonna go?

I just watched this movie entitled "Remember Me." It was about this kid whose brother died, and stuff happens in his life, blah blah blah, and he DIES. It's set in summer 2001. And dies in the twin towers crash waiting on his brother. So anyway, I'm sitting here with my friend, and I'm using her computer because mine stopped working. I haven't written a blog in forever and so I think I'm missing a lot of stuff that I should have written about this semester. I didn't document this semester very well. Maybe cuz it SUCKED. I made a lot of stupid choice. I chose pleasure, which turned into misery because I got nothing done so I would stress out a lot. I've really got to stop writing because my friend is literally sitting next to me, and I think I don't really want her to read this. But anyways, So I was watching this movie, and it made me start to think about my life. How do I want to be remembered? I want people to change their lifestyle because of me. For better. And I don't think anyone would at this point. I'm not that influential. But I am very selfish. And prideful. And far from God right now. I haven't sincerely talked to him since, well, I don't really know when. That's not technically a good thing. But yeah. I realized that I'm not guaranteed tomorrow. Which would SUCK SO BAD because I NEED TO GO HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! I NEED TO SEE MY FAMILY!!! If I die before I get to see my family, I'm really going to be pissed at God. Not even kidding.
So anyway, I better get off this. But yeah, life is miserable right now. I've never been miserable like this. ever. I'm lost. like that kid from the movie. I'm lost. And I don't know how to find way. I'm stuck. God, I can't choose right. I've tried. But I can't. So if I'm gonna be saved, you're gonna have to supernaturally come in and make me selfless cuz I can't do it. I really can't.

Corazon Roto, Quebrado, y en Pedazos

Estoy en el business lab en mi colegio, olvidandome de la tarea que todavia tengo que ya es tarde. Estoy pensando en el chavo que rompio mi corazon de nuevo. Creo que este es la quarta ves que el mismo cabron lo ha roto. Esta cancion lo dice perfectamente, porque fue aquel noviembre cuando rompio mi corazon la primera vez:
La tarde se aleja,
el cielo esta gris
la noche aparece sin ti,
callado en la playa
te lloro en silencio otra vez
Me ahoga esta pena
no puedo vivir
las olas no me hablan de ti
sentado en la arena
escribo tu nombre otra vez

Por que te extrano
desde aquel Noviembre
cuando sonamos juntos
a querernos siempre
me duele, este frio Noviembre
cuando las ojas cain
a morir por siempre..

Noviembre sin ti
es sentir que la lluvia
me dice llorando que todo acabo
Noviembre sin ti
es pedirle a la luna
que brille en la noche de mi corazon
otra vezz.. otra vez..

Quisiera decirte
que quiero volver
tu nombre va escrito en mi piel
ya es de madrugada
te sigo esperando otra vez

por que te extrano
desde aquel Noviembre
cuando sonamos juntos
a querernos siempre
me duele, este frio Noviembre
cuando las ojas cain
a morir por siempre...

Noviembre sin ti
es sentir que la lluvia
me dice llorando que todo acabo
Noviembre sin ti
es pedirle a la luna
que brille en la noche de mi corazon
otra vezz.. otra vez..

Necesito hacer mi tarea. Pero lo que pasa es que todos mis pensamientos estan contigo aunque ya no piensas en mi y ya no tienes los mismos sentimientos para mi. Yo pensaba y me dajabas pensar que me querias asi, pero no. Y por eso hay un gran hueco en mi corazon donde tu quedabas. Ya te fuiste y me dejaste con un corazon en pedazos. Yo no se si voy a poder poner todos los pedazos junto de nuevo. Voy a intentarlo. Y voy a intentar a olvidarme de ti. Gracias por los lecciones que me diste. Que tengas buena vida. Adios.

Y tengo un cancion para ti

Someday I'll understand
Someday I'll be able to explain it
Someday I'll be ok
But right now, I'm still pickin up the pieces

You led me on because
I put myself on your string
And I held on for dear life
So now I say

Thank you for your scissors
Thank you for cutting me off
Thank you for letting me go
It hurts like hell but I know
It was the best thing for us
So thank you for your scissors

I held on to the hope
That we would be together forever
I didn't see that you
Didn't love me the way I loved you

You led me on because
I put myself on your string
And I held on for dear life
So now I say

Thank you for your scissors
Thank you for cutting me off
Thank you for letting me go
It hurts like hell but I know
It was the best thing for us
So thank you for your scissors

Now I all I need is some glue
To put my heart back together again
Now all I need is some glue
The put my heart back together again