Attitude of Thankfulness

At this moment, I have an attitude of thankfulness.

I'm thankful to my Savior for rescuing me from a life of sin and shame. (REALLY thankful, because I experienced it first hand, and I saw where it lead: to destruction.)
I'm thankful to my friend and first love, Jesus, for desiring an intimate relationship with me, and drawing me to himself.
I'm thankful to my Father, God, for making all things possible, and for paving my path and directing me along it.
I'm thankful to my Creator for giving me good gifts and many blessings, more than I can count.

I'm thankful to my parents for raising me to be a woman after God's own heart. I'm thankful for their advice, wisdom, and love.
I'm thankful for my sister and brother for their loyalty.
I'm thankful to my friends for their loyalty, and friendship, and care, and fun times.
I'm thankful to Jordan, my close friend, for all that has come, and all that lies ahead. May God direct our relationship. May God give us wisdom for every step. May God show his power and his might and his plan in this process. May God bless the future, and the present. May we continue to follow his perfect plan.

I'm so thankful, and joyful, and peaceful! God knows what He's doing! :)

Corazon Roto, Quebrado, y en Pedazos

Estoy en el business lab en mi colegio, olvidandome de la tarea que todavia tengo que ya es tarde. Estoy pensando en el chavo que rompio mi corazon de nuevo. Creo que este es la quarta ves que el mismo cabron lo ha roto. Esta cancion lo dice perfectamente, porque fue aquel noviembre cuando rompio mi corazon la primera vez:
La tarde se aleja,
el cielo esta gris
la noche aparece sin ti,
callado en la playa
te lloro en silencio otra vez
Me ahoga esta pena
no puedo vivir
las olas no me hablan de ti
sentado en la arena
escribo tu nombre otra vez

Por que te extrano
desde aquel Noviembre
cuando sonamos juntos
a querernos siempre
me duele, este frio Noviembre
cuando las ojas cain
a morir por siempre..

Noviembre sin ti
es sentir que la lluvia
me dice llorando que todo acabo
Noviembre sin ti
es pedirle a la luna
que brille en la noche de mi corazon
otra vezz.. otra vez..

Quisiera decirte
que quiero volver
tu nombre va escrito en mi piel
ya es de madrugada
te sigo esperando otra vez

por que te extrano
desde aquel Noviembre
cuando sonamos juntos
a querernos siempre
me duele, este frio Noviembre
cuando las ojas cain
a morir por siempre...

Noviembre sin ti
es sentir que la lluvia
me dice llorando que todo acabo
Noviembre sin ti
es pedirle a la luna
que brille en la noche de mi corazon
otra vezz.. otra vez..

Necesito hacer mi tarea. Pero lo que pasa es que todos mis pensamientos estan contigo aunque ya no piensas en mi y ya no tienes los mismos sentimientos para mi. Yo pensaba y me dajabas pensar que me querias asi, pero no. Y por eso hay un gran hueco en mi corazon donde tu quedabas. Ya te fuiste y me dejaste con un corazon en pedazos. Yo no se si voy a poder poner todos los pedazos junto de nuevo. Voy a intentarlo. Y voy a intentar a olvidarme de ti. Gracias por los lecciones que me diste. Que tengas buena vida. Adios.

Y tengo un cancion para ti

Someday I'll understand
Someday I'll be able to explain it
Someday I'll be ok
But right now, I'm still pickin up the pieces

You led me on because
I put myself on your string
And I held on for dear life
So now I say

Thank you for your scissors
Thank you for cutting me off
Thank you for letting me go
It hurts like hell but I know
It was the best thing for us
So thank you for your scissors

I held on to the hope
That we would be together forever
I didn't see that you
Didn't love me the way I loved you

You led me on because
I put myself on your string
And I held on for dear life
So now I say

Thank you for your scissors
Thank you for cutting me off
Thank you for letting me go
It hurts like hell but I know
It was the best thing for us
So thank you for your scissors

Now I all I need is some glue
To put my heart back together again
Now all I need is some glue
The put my heart back together again

Te Perdi

A Mi Amor (No sabes quien eres)
Todavia te amo. Nunca supiste que te amaba, porque no te dije, y creo que talvez nunca te lo voy a decir, pero es verdad. Te amo. Con todo mi corazon.
Te amo sin miedo
Te amo cobarde
Te amo sin tiempo
Te amo aunque arde y lo sé
Te perdere

Te amo dormida
Te amo en silencio
Te amo mi vida
Te amo
Lo siento no hay nada
Que yo pueda hacer
En cuanto cruces la puerta
Te voy a perder

Te perdi. Pero te amo de todas maneras. Y creo que siempre te voy a amar. Siempre vas a ser mi primer amor. Mis movios anteriores no valen. Tu eres el unico que ame, y el unico quien quebro mi corazon. Talvez creo que eres el unico que lo puede conectar de nuevo, pero eso todavia vamos a ver un dia.
Te amo. Te amo. Te amo.

He LOVES ME!

Last week truly was AMAZING! God really showed me that He loved me. He didn't give me more than I could handle and He knew He needed to show me He was still on my side. And He did! By letting me go home for Christmas, giving me some great Chi Rho girls, and great friends in Little Rock. now I have to learn what he wants from me. And I think it is an intimate relationship with him. The problem is I have such a hard time setting aside time for him.
So, I'm trying to decide what happened this weekend was, was it a gift or a test?
It's so hard to decide!
Basically my friends Ron and Kim were discussing who would be perfect for me. Apparently there is such a guy and his name is Timmy. So when Ron saw Timmy on Sunday she blurted out that I would be perfect for him, and he got all excited. He facebooked me (I didn't know this) and was like, ok when is she coming to little rock? Well, Ron called me and told me all this, and I was like oh my gosh! I'll be there this weekend!
Well, I called my mom and she was like, Joy, please just wait. Let guys pursue you. You know you don't need a relationship now, especially after what you've been through lately. And my brother said basically the same thing. They are so wise!
So I talked to Ron about it and was like, we would meet Timmy sunday night. I was like well I can't cuz I have to be back for projects and stuff. So we decided I would go. Well, Timmy found out he wouldn't see me on Sunday and he told Ron he was trying to get a group together and stuff, and Ron was like, well you can come to my house. I kind of freaked, so Ron and I prayed about it. He was coming in the apartment, and Austin and I were singing we are hungry. The 4 of us just hung out and talked for a while. Any time Timmy and I had a conversation by ourselves, like every once in a while, it was pretty serious. then we all wanted to go to bed. But Timmy wasn't tired. So I stayed up with him on the couch while Austin and Ron went into the other room and talked. We had serious conversations about God, life, and everything else under the sun. We discovered that we really do have a lot in common. And he confessed that he really wanted to meet me and stuff. So to make a long story short, we stayed up talking till 5 am. After he told me he was interested, he kind of made his way over to me, and he asked if he could hold my hand and we did. His hands felt so great. We prayed together, and finally went to bed after a pillow fight and a tickle fight. He's cool with my no-kissing thing, which is great. I care about him but I'm afraid he wants me to meet his need for a relationship. I don't want me to be that. I want to be a blessing from God to His life, what He needs, not what He wants. So we really need to take things slow. So I guess that's where I am at. I like him but I need to quit talking and thinking about him. Jesus is truly amazing!
God gave me an accountability partner tonight: Val! It was totally unexpected, but it's what we need! YAY! I'm too tired to write more but God really does love me. He shows it so much. He will always be my father and my lover and will always take me back. Thank you, Father! <3

Coming Back

Things I've realized lately:
I'm human. On my own, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. ANYTHING, and I DO mean ANYTHING that I do right, is because God's grace has enabled me to glorify Him through right actions.
I'm a daughter of hte King. He really does love me. Even though I'll let Him down more times than I can count, He's still willing to come into my filing cabinet and right His name on all of my F graded papers and failed projects. My sins, my mistakes, my wrong decisions, were all paid for. There is nothing stopping His forgiveness from reaching my soul except myself.
Things are cloudy in my head. I don't know how I feel about myself, God, my future, marriage, my feelings, pretty much anything anymore. But God brigns clarity if I just obey Him. I'm still human. I can still make decisions. But they have to have the right motives. And my motive for gettign a tattoo is to help remind me and those who see that my passion is His renown no matter how far away I stray. My motive for going to parties to befriend those people. I need God JSUT AS MUCH AS THEY DO. I need AS MUCH FORGIVENESS as they need. NOTHING in my life makes me a better person. I'm not a better person than ANYONE, no matter how badly anyone behaves. I'm merely forgiven. And I have a purpose the right actions I do. My right actions don't save me. They merely demonstrate where my heart lies. And I want these friends I'll be making to see that I'm not afraid of them. I'm not ashamed of my lack of fear. They need to see an example of what happens when God forgives someone. Yes I need a guy to come with me for my own protection. But that only means I value myself. Just because God loves these people doesn't mean I have to trust them. They're showing me their desires. It's my responsibilty to demonstrate that I can't meet those desires.
I want to come back to God. I'm that dirty princess for my old storybook, who left hte palace. Tried to be like those other kids. Got dirty. But when the King passed by, I still recognized that He's my Father. I can't throw things at Him. I can, but He's still my Father. So I have to go to the front door and allow Him to open it and let me back into His arms and let Him clean up my bruises.
Jesus, thank you for your grace. I don't know where I'd be without it, I need it so badly. Father, thank you for your love. That's all I can say is Thank you. And I'm sorry. Spirit, thank you for allowing me to talk to Jesus and God even when I'm unclean and you guys can't tolerate sin. Thank you for being my mediator and conscience. Thank you God for not giving up on me. I'm coming back, just like I promised. I'm still me. I still make my own decisions. But I'm YOUR CHILD. And my passion is your renown. Other Christians' view of me doesn't matter. I dont' want to cause them to stumble but one tattoo, and parties where I don't drink or smoke or dance, I don't think will do that. God, I WANT to care about my brothers and sisters, but I wasn't sent for them. My life is not lived for them. My purpose is to share Jesus with the broken. The broken are not the ones at Refuge. I mean yeah sort of. But the broken are in the underbelly of my school. And I have no judgment. Yes I'm easily influenced. But I know where I stand ultimately. I'm still confused. But I want to try. If you say no, go somewhere else, then fine, I'll go somewhere else. But I need to try. Because I LOVE these people.
I guess that's it for now. Thanks again for not giving up on me. I love you. And I've missed you, Jesus.

Dear ___

Dear ___
Our relationship/friendship is not all about you. All we do is talk about who and what you want to talk about. I let you talk because I want to be there for you and I want to support you in this healing process. And then you leave. You say you have to go. When you figure out I'm done listening or when you've decided you've talked enough about your problems you don't stay around to listen to mine. And you compare my problems to yours when you finally DO listen. And it's not fair! I'm not going to leave you because I just can't do that. I will continue to talk to you when you want and I will continue to be your friend and I won't even show this to you. But I'm upset! And I can't even tell you I'm upset! Because I hint at why I'm upset and you blow it off; you ignore it because you don't want to hear it. And since I only hint at it, you decide you it's totally okay to ignore it! Thanks a LOT!
And I hate how you think you have this huge grasp on what it means to be a Christian but you're so concerned about yourself and meeting your needs that you twist God and the Bible aruond to fit what you desire Him to be! I can't really complain because I do that too in my own way but still, seeing that it in you is aggravating, especially since I can't point it out.
So yeah those are my thoughts. And I hope and pray that one day you'll grow up. And you'll see the error of your ways.

The Finishing Touch

So much has happened since I last blogged! I went up to see Beauty and the Beast this past weekend, a 3 hr drive away. I had lunch right before the trip with Mrs Kathy, and she encouraged me to pray for the willingness to do the right thing as far as seeing or not seeing my ex. She told me her story about how she got together with her husband, and told me some of her philosophies. It's a funny story about how she and her husband met: she was heading up a picnic, and there were no diet cokes, and she was complaining. Randy said, do you want me to run to Sam's and get you a Diet Coke? She replied, if you do that, I will love you for the rest of my life. And long story short, that's what happened! Hehe!
So Veronica and I are on our way when she realizes there's no free-on in her air condition. She calls her Dad and we stop but to no avail, nothing can be done. We are about to get on the interstate anyway when the engine smokes and stalls. Some nice guys help us push it to the nearest gas station, as help us cool down her engine. Apparently what had happened was when her Dad got the oil changed, the guys who checked the other fluids hadn't tightened the cap on the water container and it had all spilled out causing the engine to overheat. Be glad you weren't there, we were kind of freaking out.
So her parents finally showed up with the van, and we left at 4. We were supposed to get there are 5:30, and we barely got there before 7, the time the show was supposed to start. What a beginning to our road trip!
Beauty and the Beats was amazing. The set was so well put together, the actors and actresses did a wonderful job; I was caught up in the whole story, as usual. So Veronica and Kim and I went to Kim's apartment where we hung out till I crashed on the couch. I was EXHAUSTED.
I woke up the next day to Ron and Kim getting ready. I called Thomas, my ex, to see when we were going to meet. At first he had wanted to meet a 8 or so because he had already called a friend earlier to cover for him at work so he could watch Beauty and the Beast. Well he wasn't going to watch it, and I was NOT going to see him at night. I have a hard enough time keeping my emotions in check in the day time. So we met at the mall at 2, after me having had lunch at this Brazilian steakhouse and having been to 2 outdoor stores with Ron and Kim. When I got to the mall, we started walking to the bathroom. I got a text that said I'm here. And I looked up, and there he was, about 30 feet from me.
He didn't see me wave, which was great because I still had to pee and I was inwardly freaking out because I WASN'T READY! So we bypassed him and went quickly to the bathroom, and my friends were like, are you ok? No, not really, I'm freaking out! I'm about to see my x, and I haven't seen him since 3 days before we took that break in November...!!! So they go their separate ways because they didn't really want to meet him, and I call him and tell him I'm there. We meet and he doesn't recognize me till I'm like 5 feet in front of him; I'd already spotted him, and he was confused at why this girl (me) was walking towards him. Ugh, men!
So we talked while he ate lunch, mind you he got Chinese food, the same place we ate when I had first gone up to see him April of last year. And he got me a fortune cookie, something about friends bringing new blessings into your life... Almost all the way through his meal he says, "Oh by the way I brought your bear back." My what? Yes. My teddy bear. Thing I loved and cherished for 3 years before I let him take it with him after he had visited me in September. When I came up to see him in October and November I had let him keep it, not knowing he would break up with me. So when he told me this I said, "Oh cool." Inwardly My heart was saying "NO!!!! WHY WHY WHY???!!!"
So we finished visiting, it was obvious there was no spark of anything between us anymore. I still cared for him and he stills cared for me, but not romantically. He never hugged me; barely touched me. We walked around the mall, and saw my friend briefly on the way out to his car to get my bear. He gave me the bear, shook my hand with some weird handshake, and got in his car.
I didn't even wait for him to get in; I walked back towards the mall, putting my bear inside my purse, and trying not to cry. My heart was breaking the rest of the way. It was a small piece, but it had been barely hanging out ,and now it was completely torn off. And I was hurting. I hurt for a few hours. I met up with my friends and they asked how it went. I said it went well. They asked if I was ok. I said NO. I would be better had he not given me my bear back. I walked around hurting after that. Didn't say much for the rest of the afternoon. But then we made spaghetti carbonara, and that helped to distract me. The pain was subsiding. Once we turned on No Reservations, I was ok. I realized it. I was truly going to be fine. It was time to move on. Thing relationship with Thomas was over, and any hope of something in the future was gone. And I would be ok. Someday in the far future, God will provide me with someone else.
I called my mom and she said, that worries me because what's going to stop you from enjoying the pursuits of or pursuing other guys? Well Mom, I said, School and my relationship with God are what I need to be concentrating on. I'm taking 19 hours, and I'm falling in love with Jesus. I'm possibly in over my head. No room for boys at this point. I'll be ok without them. She seemed satisfied. Now I'm back in the real world. My internship has just finished, and I have 2 weeks left in this town and then it's back to college! I have so many thoughts about life, marriage, relationship, and college going through my head, but this blog post is ready to be finished. :)

Rachel vs Leah

I have come to the conclusion that I was not meant to be Leah.

I was meant to be Rachel.

the problem is, I'm considered by many men (subconsciously) as a Leah. I have fairer skin, not very pronounced features, and I am the older sister. My sister has the more attractive features. She's beautiful. And in my mind, a lot more so than me. And of the guys who know both of us, they are more attracted to her. My personality and maturity is evident, but of the guys who have had the choice between her and I, all have chosen her. This isn't the first time I've thought about this. She and I know that she is the hot one and I am the smart one.
I've had boyfriends, and relationships, and I'm very grateful for them. I thought my last relationship would last forever. But his feelings for me weren't as deep as mine were (and still are) for him. Before me, he dated a girl who was ironically named Leah. And now they are constant friends. They've been friends since they were like 3 years old, and now they don't talk often, but they are still fairly close. And I look at my relationship with him, and I see that pattern beginning to happen with us. My heart is screaming, "I'm not another Leah! I'm a Rachel! And I want to be YOUR RACHEL!"
But I can't control this situation. The best thing for em to do is let him go. For myself. I have a lot of friends who were going to marry and some were even engaged to men, and they ended up not. They either married other men or are still single. And I've thought I was going to marry this man. But I could be wrong. And I HATE that thought with every fiber of my being. But I have to accept it. I have to let God be in control of my future. I'm trying to manipulate to how I want it to turn out. But I'm not in control. I'm just NOT.
So here I am, with all these desires of being a Rachel. I want to be pursued. I want him (who ever God chooses) to see me and say, "I want HER. With all of me, I want HER." Almost every girl I know has that desire. It's how we were made. And I know a guy who has told me that if he's ever getting married, the girl will be the one proposing to him, because he doesn't really want to get married. Dumbbutt!!!
I really wish I could run up to my ex and sing him that song Realize by Colbie Caillat. But I then I realize myself that that wouldn't be letting him go.

I don't know what else to say at this point, except,
Father God, help me. I need you. I need to love you and resurrender to you and fall head over heels for you again. I'm planning my way, but You determine my steps. Thank you for that comfort. Thank you for being in control. Help me take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to you. Not my will but yours, Lord.

My thoughts

My confession: I'm writing this in the hope that a certain someone will see, even though He doesn't know I write a blog. Oh well. :P
I'm at a loss at what to do. I just get lonely. And I don't know how to handle myself. But then I remind myself that I'm going to be ok. Because God is holding me. And all that I want to happen will happen in its time. I love Jesus. I'm working on loving him more than anyone else in this whole wide world. I don't think 'm quite there yet because I love myself. And I can't trust Him to find the guy for me. So that's what I'm working on.
I don't have much more to say, so I'll leave one last thought: Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

He's Pursuing Me

He's Pursuing Me.

My Savior is intimately pursuing a relationship with me. He didn't just say, "ok. you're safe." and walk off. No. Wouldn't you be mad if that happened? Wouldn't you say "Wait! Come back! My prince charming and I are supposed to live happily ever after! Wasn't there a reason you chose me and saved me?" It reminds me of Shrek. He rescues her and is going to take her to another prince, who wants to live happily ever after with her but didn't want to do the work to rescue her because he wanted to become king and not do anything to jeopardize that. If I were Fiona I'd be like "TAKE ME BACK TO IMPRISONMENT!" Which I think is what she wanted. At one point she decided she wasn't going. So Shrek forced her by picking her up. But anyways I'm sidetracking.

That's not what Jesus did. In Isaiah ch 40, God is speaking to his people Israel, whom he saved from Egypt and has been with them ever since. However, they've turned away multiple times. Wouldn't you hate to have Israel as the princess whom you were rescuing? "Oh you saved me! THANK YOU! Now go away we have our own stuff to do for a while. We'll call you when we need you again." But God is still FOREVER FAITHFUL to them. He's the perfect prince. He says to them while they're in captivity, (Isaiah 41:8-10)

8But you, Israel, my servant,
Jacob, whom I have chosen,
the offspring of Abraham, my friend;
9you whom I took from the ends of the earth,
and called from its farthest corners,
saying to you, "You are my servant,
I have chosen you and not cast you off";
10fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I found this set of verses when I was an adolescent, around 12 or 13 or 14; I can't remember. But I do remember how they made me feel. I wrote a song about them. "I have chosen you and have not rejected you" was the main line of my song. That really captivated me. At that age I was experiencing a lot of rejection from my peers. Part of it was my fault, but they still weren't giving me chance; they were only finding fault with me. And I saw them mess up but they still loved each other. It wasn't fair. Today, I feel rejected more from guys my age. But part of it is still my fault, because I'm mostly immature and not ready for a relationship. But the fact that God chose me, and hes NOT rejected me, still means something to me. He is my rescuer.

Right now, I'm being a lot like Israel. Somedays I say, "oh by the way God, thanks for saving me. I'm gonna go do my own thing today and I'll see you later." But I read a story about this woman who spend a significant amount of time in her morning with God, kneeling at a corner of her bed. Later on that day, she would glance over at that corner, remind herself that she gets to spend the next morning with God, and gain joy from that knowledge. It's like me when I know my boyfriend is going to call the next day and when I remember, I get really excited. Who cares if I'm ditching homework or something else important? I get to talk to my man! And that's how she felt about God. That's where I want to be.

I've been reading Crazy Love. That's where I got that about story. But one of the things Francis Chan said is that we can't force ourselves to fall in love with Christ. We have to allow His Spirit to come in us and fill us with His love. We fall in love with Him using the love He first gave us. I don't know specifically how it works but I do know that it works. His love is as powerful as He is. So when we have that power in us, there's nothing we can't love. And THAT right there brings me joy :D.

It's time for me to close this blog post. But know this: no matter many times I decide to do my own thing, I will always return to my Savior, and be filled with His love so I can fall in love with Him.

God's Multipurpose Instrument

Surrender - one of the least liked words in the American language (according to me), and one of the hardest things to do, especially in my relationship with God. I have to surrender my whole self, everything about me, even the things I hold on to most tightly, well, especially those. I hold on to my ex, I hold on to my future and my plans, my job, any kind of security I feel, I hold on to it, because I don't want to let it go. And I realize that it comes down to a trust issue. How much do I really trust God with? And when I look at my life and my lifestyles and my habits, I see that it's not much. I take control of things and I justify taking control by any excuse I can come up with. I take control of my social life by going online and finding new friends who won't judge me or keep me accountable when I'm sick of being dissected and rebuked, especially when I need those rebukes the most. I'm constantly looking for the next thing that will satisfy my needs, instead of letting those things come as God provides. As a result, I fall further and further away from living the life God has called me to live. He has called me to be set apart; instead, if I were the one Christian in a crowd, you wouldn't be able to tell. I'd be acting just like them. I care about what others think about me so I mold myself in order to be liked. And honestly, it doesn't work. You ended up with this confused girl who seems really sweet and fun and funny, but who can't really keep the friends she's made. And because I'm far away from God, I have no solution at this point.

But God is faithful.

Joshua 1:9 - ...the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Philippians 1:6 - ...that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:28 We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:37-39 No, in all these things we are more than victorious through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!

Isaiah 40:31 but those who trust in the LORD will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint.

there are so many more verses I could quote, but these are some main ones that present different on God's response to us. :)

Dilemma

Can I be friends with my ex without letting my emotions overpower my mind?

I talked to my parents, and they made these points
- I shouldn't cut him off completely unless he's a bad influence on me, which he isn't, because they wouldn't have let me date him if they thought that
- I need to learn the skill of keeping my emotions in check
- I want to be his friend
- He wants to be my friend
- I told them that I need to learn to surrender him and any future with him to God, and they said I can do that without cutting of communication

so knowing all of this, I don't see why I can't glorify God and keep his as a friend at the same time. So, I'll tell him I want to be his friend. But I won't tell him anything about giving any thoughts of a future with him over to God because that's just manipulating him. Surrender means letting God take care of him and a future with him and not taking matters into my own hands. I have to LET GO, and I can still do that while being his friend. I need to learn how to just be his friend anyway. He's a great guy and a great friend to me.

I Love Him, but it's not in the right way (think les mis)

so here's an update on my life:
I spoke to my church wednesday night about what it was like growing up as a missionary kid. and I had to ignore all of the "oh my gosh what do I do about my ex?" thoughts running around inside my head. I had to completely surrender everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, to God, and he really took control of what I said. I talked about - well - growing up on the mission field! I talked about things I learned about God and what my response should be: trust and surrender. And God really used me to encourage the church :).
But yeah, trust and surrender are the two things I'm expecially working on right now. Myself wants to just take back Thomas into my life and keep communication until he comes to his senses and falls in love with me again or until I snap and demand that he fall in love. But I have to trust that if Thomas is in my future, God and him will make it happen. I had a daydream last night as I was falling asleep that Thomas realized he was in love with me and wanted to marry me but he talked to some adults and they told him to wait because what was going to do - ask me to wait for him? That wasn't trusting God with his future. He knew I was in love with Him, but that I was getting over him, all he had to do was wait for God's timing. Now I know that Thomas doesn't feel this way about me. All I know is that he values me as a friend and I inspire him to be more like Christ. And if I loved him for the right reasons, that should be MORE THAN ENOUGH. But I selfishly want him in love with me because I'm not over my infatuation with him. I have to let God do his work and say Thomas, I can't handle a friendship with you still. Even though I've done a lot of maturing, I've realized that for me to continue moving on from us, I'm still not in a place where we can just be friends and my emotions won't get in the way. There's no telling how long it will take. But I do want you in my life, and I want to be in yours. Just not yet. -I don't know, I'll say something like that.
So anyways, I'm now in Louisiana with my ever annoying but wonderful brother. I leave Tuesday and I have to go back to my lovely job. To God be the Glory!

have i lost my mind??!!

I talked on the phone with my ex today. for an hour and a half! he had texted me and i just read it today, asking if i was ok because he had heard about hte floods near me and wanted to make sure nothing had happened. i haven t talk to him since february when i said we cant talk anymore because i cant handle a friendship with you without my feelings getting in the way. so thats how we left things. he deleted me as friends on facebook. there were so many times i wanted to tell him something, ask his advice, or just hear his voice on my birthday, and i couldnt. and now, well, i journalled, cuz i didnt know what to do. i knew i wanted his friendship back. but can i handle it? i had texted him back multiple messages so he knew it was ok, and he asked are you sure you want to call? and i said yes, so we talked, and then hung up, and then talked again, just about what God has been doing in our lives, interesting stories, and more. and now, i dont know what to do? will i be able to handle a friendship with no romance?? the no talking period was for me. now i want to show him love, doing what he needs. what does he need? a friendship? space? friendship on his terms? cuz i dont know if that's healthy; i would just be letting him renew selfish habits. but i want to be who he needs. and he values me. and i value him. i wish i knew the future!!! i wish i could see, oh yes, we'll get back together, it's perfectly fine to start a relationship. or, no dear, he's just gonna break your heart again without meaning to so stay away. i know he'll probably talk to me less often than once a week or once every 2 weeks. and im still high maintenance and i would want more or i would be missing him. thats the problem right there - i would MISS him, and i would interpret our conversations as something more than what they really are: merely proof that we have a close friendship. i was his best friend at one point. but i think thats all i was to him. but he was my beloved! and i know i'll make up excuses to think of him that way again! i don't want to, but i'm pretty sure i will! so now i don't know what to do... what's the best way to go, God? it's in your hands, i need your wisdom on this one...

I got PLAYED

Have you ever seen Princess Diaries 2?
There's a part in there where Mia comes into her room after spending the night with Nicholas, and her waking up with him is on Genovia natl TV. She crying when the queen asks her what happened, and she says "I got played." Well, that's me. Right now. Not with the tears, those happened last night.

So heres the story:
I went to a wedding. Yep - recipe for disaster. At weddings, there are single guys who, seeing the ceremony and the reception and knowing whats happening that night are suddenly on the quest to find either commitment or sex, fast. Well, I met one such guy: Rhys. Rhys is a scrawny, blonde haired blue eyed cutie who can swing dance with the best of us. I say us because I can too. I had met him a yr and a half ago but he doesnt remember because he went off to the army and was gone for all this time. He deploys in september. So this guy comes up to me and grabs my hands to dance and when he finds out that I can I can, of course he's pretty happy. So for the rest of the day, he flirts with me, blows the wedding bubbles at me, pokes me, makes sure I'm not leaving when I went out to my car to change (I was a bridesmaid, the only skinny single one of us), and etc. He invites me to dinner with their group, so I go, and the whole time he tries to play footsie with me, rubs his finger on my arm once, pokes my head when i spaced out, listens hard to everything I'm saying, etc. He follows me back to Kayla's car because I took her back to it and he had her brothers stuff. He would have stayed to talk to me after he gave it to her had we not exchanged a long hug. I'm literally playing as hard to get as I possibly can. Well, we go back to a friends apartment, and there are 2 very serious couples there. They all decide to smush on one couch so Rhys and can have the love seat to spread out since we're not a couple. Sarah pokes Andrew, Bandi pokes Aaron, and the next thing I know there's a tickle fight. And I knew, I just KNEW Rhys was going to tickle me. and he did. I was sprawling on the floor kicking him to get him off me. Then he picks the movie, strategically of course: August Rush. I'd never seen it. It's a dramatic chick flick that he had hoped would make me want to cuddle with him. Well, he starts scooting closer and closer to me and then he has his arm pressed against mine. About 30minutes later he says, my arms falling asleep. I said, well you put it there, not my fault. And he said well I could put it somewhere else, and he tried to put in around me but my head was in the way, so it was like, aww. And then I said fine, and leaned forward, and he was like, YES! So the rest of the movie is spent with him touching me as much as he dares. Im trying to not respond. I should have moved. At one point Bandi texted me so I would move, to I responded, THANK YOU! But then we got back into the same position. When the movie was over, he offered to walk me to my car, and Bandi looked at him and said, if you try ANYTHING, the 4 of us will be out there ASAP. So he didnt try anything. My car door handle was broken, so he opened my door ,and I just got in quickly. I didnt wait. So he said, ok Ill facebook you. He had hinted earlier that he would drive up here to see me because our friends were still up here till noon on memorial day. well he didnt. he just took his 5 hr drive home. has not texted or called since. stupid boy!!! he used me to be his cuddle buddy and then disappeared!!! At least I guarded my haart, but he still got my hopes up and then dashed them! He facebooked me saying I was right, we were friend on facebook. So should I respond to him?

Spiritual Gifts

I just took a Spiritual Gift Inventory under the guidance of my pastor, and I came out high with Evangelism, Mercy, and Pastoring/Shepherding, with Exhortation, Prophecy, and Administration also high on the list. How ever, there were only 9 gifts on this particular inventory. I've been thinking about developing my own personal list of Spiritual Gifts, what I believe are on the list. First we need to define spiritual gifts. Most people agree on the definition, which confuses me that there can be one definition but different lists of what falls under that list. I lean toward more conservative views because of how I was raised, but I still agree with what I got as spiritual gifts. However, I would also include Discernment, Apostle, and Knowledge, which I could not choose from on the first inventory. When I was younger, I would not have said Discernment or Apostle, or in fact any of these, but I've learned that I really do have them. Using them is a different matter. I am really bad at using the gift of Evangelism. The importance I place on how much people like me can hinder that gift, as well as the gift of Prophecy. those involve being radical Christians, using the gifts to the best of our ability, ignoring the world's view of us. The Bible says the world will hate us because it hated Jesus, and a servant is not better than his master. I guess my point is that I'm discovering what my spiritual gifts are and how to use them. With my gifts of mercy, evangelism, and apostleship, I feel called to be a missionary; I've felt that since I was very young. I also believe I'm more willing to have this calling because of my background. But there is no doubt in my mind that that is my calling, especially because of my gifts and what I know is my passion which I value as higher than any others, and that is telling others about Jesus. I have the ability and the gift to cross cultural, language, and other boundaries to share the gospel with those who haven't heard. My heart also goes out to those who are in need: orphans, widows, others who are disabled or in poverty. So from this day forward, I commit myself to the study and use of my Spiritual gifts so I may edify the Body of Christ and serve God's Kingdom to the best of my ability.
that may not make sense to a lot of you, but that is my heart.

GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS!

God is truly amazing! He has just really answered my prayers, especially last week.
First (and least important) - some of the deadlines for my assignments were pushed back.
Second - when I needed another musical to watch, he provided for me through my friend Bandi, who was playing a homeschoolers league production of Hello Dolly! And he provided for me a place to stay that night during the tornado - her house.
Third - when he told me to "wait" after I asked him what to do about my confused roommate who thought she was lesbian but also brought drama with her everywhere and is very immature and selfish, he made the decision for me when she told me she wasn't coming back next semester. So now I can stay where I am with my suitemates and get a different roommate who will most likely be better for me. And I trust him to take care of her at community college.
Fourth - When I was worried about not having a summer job and trying ti trust God to provide, I finally applied to 2 places that were sort of last-choice jobs, he brought me a pastor who was interested in interviewing me, and came to my college so i didn't have to drive to little rock, and it turns out I'm EXACTLY what they need to start a children's ministry. I would be an intern working on different programs for their summer children's programs, I would be very involved in the church, and I might even be playing in a praise band because they need a bass player!! The pastor told me not in so many words that I'm exactly what he was looking for, and he had no other applicants at the time of my interview, and I find out tonight if I'm for sure offered the job. God is SO GOOD! This is truly a perfect fit! I would be living in Little Rock with Bandi, and developing my friendship with her because she's amazing!!!
So seriously, God provides. He really does. The only thing I'm worried about is just getting everything packed and stored somewhere. I'm also worried about my finals and some late papers that I have to write today. But I'm learning how to truly trust God. He takes care of his children.
Right now I'm listening to a podcast from Breakaway Ministries, where Ben Stuart is talking about love, and how that is the main thing we need to work on. He's in a series that is talking about entanglements, and this week's topic is religious entanglements, I think mainly legalism. It's interesting. I have to quit typing, but that's something I'm really working on, is loving God and loving others. Oswald Chambers talks about how love is spontaneous. It says that love is a spontaneous response to what God has done for, and the overflow of the work of the Holy Spirit in your love. Love is not in our nature, it's given to us by the Holy Spirit.
Ok well, I'm getting off.
God, thank you. For answering my prayers. For loving me. For giving me love. And for changing me to become more like You. I'm yours. It's not about me.

Mi Novio, un bendicion de Dios

Dios me ha bendecido con un novio! El no lo sabe, pero lo amo. Lo que pasa es que tengo miedo que no va a durar hasta matrimonio, pero se que no necesito preocuparme, porque Dios nos va cuidar. Estamos haciendo lo que creemos que es en la bondad de Dios. Talvez no es en la voluntad de Dios que Tomás y yo seamos juntos, pero todvía no he descubrido eso. La razón porque tengo estas dudas es que tengo unos amigos quienes yo pensaba que iban a casar se separaron.
Padre Celestial,
Te doy gracias en este momento que has puesto Tomás en mi vida. Te pido que nos guíes y que nos muestres tu camino y tu voluntad. Te reugo que no dejes que separamos, Dios, porque quiero casarme con el. Pero si es tu voluntad que no nos casamos, te ruego que nos lo enseñes antes de que se rompa mi corazon. Gracias que todavia me estas enseñando que entrar en este relacion con Tomás no fue decision mala. Te amo y te alabo y te doy gracias en el nombre de tu hijo precioso Jesus, Amen.