Living the Enoch Life

From the first time I heard about the Bible character named Enoch, I have been fascinated by him. There are approximately only 5-6 verses in the whole Bible where his names in mentioned. All that we know about Enoch are about that many details: 1) he was the son of a guy named Jared. 2) at age 65, He was the Father of Methuselah, who actually died in the year of the flood (Methuselah's name actually has two parts which mean death and sending). 3) "Enoch walked with God 300 more years and had other sons and daughters" - so altogether Enoch lived 365 years. 4) Enoch WALKED WITH GOD. 5) God took Enoch away and he was nowhere to be found. which means he didn't die. THAT'S ALL WE KNOW ABOUT ENOCH. He's also mentioned in the Hall of Faith - Hebrews 11, but it doesn't add any more information about Him. But it does make the point that it takes FAITH to walk with God like that. And to walk with God = please God. Enoch found favor with God and pleased Him because he, to borrow Jeremy Camp's expression, walked by faith. THAT IS THE LIFE I WANT TO LIVE. Today I spent a long time pondering Enoch's life, and I kept looking up at the ceiling of my friend's house where I'm staying and I said, God, how did he know to walk with you? Did someone teach him? Because of the hundreds of people that are mentioned between Adam and Noah, only 3 are mentioned to have found favor with you: Abel, Enoch, and Noach. THAT'S IT. So in a crooked and perverse and evil world where "man's heart is evil from youth," 3 people pleased You. HOW DID THEY KNOW TO DO IT? AND HOW DID THEY DO IT? With pressure from ALL sides to be like everyone else? And I felt God saying to me, "It doesn't matter HOW they did it. What matters is that they did it." It all began to make sense when I realized that Faith requires us deciding to believe. And deciding to live for Him. They decided that they were going to walk by faith and please the Lord. Why or How isn't important. The ACT OF DECISION made the difference, and God rewarded their faithfulness. I am so selfish. I am crooked and perverse and evil from youth. I desire my own happiness above anyone else's. But I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. I am a NEW CREATION. I have the best of both worlds: The ability to make the decision that Enoch and Noah made (OT), and the grace of God that comes from receiving the gift of salvation made possible by Christ's death on the cross (NT). And so I don't know how I'm going to walk by faith. I don't know how I'm going to battle my evil nature every day. But I know that I CAN DO ALL THINGS IN CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH. I live my new life by the strength of Christ because I am a CHILD of the KING. And he has given me LIFE ABUNDANTLY. So this me allowing the whole virtual internet world to keep me accountable. Because I am going to live the Enoch Life and walk by Faith all my days. I will FAIL. Noah failed (he got drunk). Abraham failed (he lied and let Pharoah take his wife, twice). The people God found favor with were still "evil from youth." But God found favor with them anyway, and He used them. And I have been given blessings beyond what I deserve. I live in America and I have my physical needs taken care of in abundance (shelter, food, clothing,). I have been given a wonderful education, and I can read, write, do arithmetic, and be creative. I have been given many talents and I have learned many skills. I have a WONDERFUL FAMILY and FRIENDS and support system. And the KICKER is this: I DON'T DESERVE ANY OF IT. But God has given it to me anyway, and I so every day I will choose to trust Him and obey Him and give back to Him. I don't have any income right now. But I will trust God to take care of me. I don't have any job prospects right now. But I will trust God to take care of me. I don't have a boyfriend or any guy interests on the horizon. But I will trust God to provide that in His time. (Definitely not in the near future; I need to concentrate on student teaching and just walking with God). God is working on my heart and bringing me back to Him. I have recently been living the Gomer life. Now, I want to live the Enoch life. I'm in the desert. God is speaking gently to me. And I am realizing that HE is the one who is taking care of me and giving me what I need. I want to stay in the desert and just let God do a work in me for a while. I have about 3 weeks before I start student teaching. These next 3 weeks are going to be amazing as I surrender every day to God's will. I can't wait to see what God does in my life! My life verses now consist of the following: Genesis 5:21-24 Isaiah 26:8 Hebrews 11:5-6 God, you are FREE to do whatever you want in my life. I surrender to You. I choose to walk with You and live by faith. In your Holy and Powerful name, I claim the NEW CREATION you made me to be. Amen.

GO AWAY

I'm so angry with one woman. I've never been this angry. Actually, maybe I have, I don't know. But anyways, she intruding and I want her gone. I know she cares about my friend, but she doesn't care about me. She is completely ingoring the importance and the commitment level of my relationship, and she is conspiring with my boyfriend's mom and they have a shared attitude that it's ok, maybe better for J, if I don't end up with him. That makes me angrier than I have ever been. God and Jordan and I have already decided that he and will get married unless god changes his mind. We already know, there is no reason to ignore that fact to try and puts scenarios in our lives to make us change our minds. I will not have it. I will not be pushed away. HE IS MINE and I AM GOING TO KEEP HIM. YOU CAN NOT STOP ME. I love him so much! He is what I need; he is the one I want to serve God with! Regardless of my flirtatious past and my past of struggles with attraction to him and things, those are IN THE PAST. JORDAN IS MY FUTURE. I am so angry. I can tell she has turned the cold shoulder. Should I try and salvage the relationship? Yes. She is someone my future mother in law trusts.
Ok time to work on my presentation. I have to do well.

Keeping Up with the Joneses

I don't really know who the Joneses are, but I know I'm struggling to keep up with the pace of life right now while I'm dealing with stress, anxiety, some tiredness, not eating correctly, a friend going through suicidal depression, schoolwork demanding so much of my life, a friend going through post-partum depression with her baby still in NICU, trying to keep my sister healthy and sane and away from jerks and evil influences, trying to keep my parents happy, trying to include God in everything, trying to be someone my club is proud of so I can lead our prayer time effectively, trying to lead a group who would rather goof off than do any work, trying to have relationships with distant people, and probably more. Chocolate can only do so much. I'm impressed that I'm staying away from TV to do all this, since I gave it up for lent, but I NEED a stress reliever. I need rest.
God, I am WEARY and I AM BURDENED, and I am coming to you, for the rest only you can give. Help me, because people can me till I fall apart, and I'm falling apart, and trying not to let the rest of the world know. My spirit is willing, by my flesh is weak, and my strength is wearing thin. The warrior is a child, God. Hold that child in your arms while she cries, because she can't hold the tears in anymore.
I love you Father, and I'm yours. Always. Hold me .

Wisdom

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when He asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

Father God, I'm lacking wisdom right now. All I have right now are feelings and thoughts and dilemmas soaring through my head, and nothing will settle! I need your wisdom. I need to know the best decision. I know that we as humans fail and we don't make the best decisions, and I see that there are 2 different outcomes: one if I choose one decision, the other if I choose the other. But, thankfully, they both lead to the one man I have already decided to marry. It's almost as if we can't go wrong, because both lead to hardship but faithfulness to you. Father, please help. I want to do what's right. And I don't know if that is to go ahead and get married or to wait a year while I go overseas, reminding myself what I am called to do, while my man also grows up. It's just hard to know which is the best decision for us. Will I be missing out on a year of singleness and discovery that I really need? Or is it better to get married and avoid the temptations, because me going overseas would be selfish? I don't know if I need to go overseas alone. I don't even know if that really matters. But do I need another year of serving you single? Or do we need to start learning how to be married? Can we wait that long? Help me know the better decision! PLEASE GOD!
I guess I don't have to decide today. I'm waiting patiently for you, God; for your answer. I love you, Father!

plagued at midnight

My thoughts plague me at a late hour tonight. But the truth is, they have been tormenting me for hours now. Maybe even days.
Thoughts are not allowed to run rampant in our minds. Right? Wrong. They are. And that is how we are mentally destroying ourselves and others.
Our thoughts are slaves to our flesh, bound by the Devil who will not free us. We are rescued by our Heavenly Father, but even then, the Devil tries to re-captivate us through our thoughts. He has done it to me many times.
For years I thought I was a worthless human being who could not be used by God because of her own inadequacies and failures. The failures grew and grew and grew, and to this day I still struggle with believing that I CAN change myself and I CAN make a difference in the world. It's a struggle every day to wake up in the morning because, who would miss me if I didn't?
But the Bible says we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ. It doesn't just say, we take captive the good thoughts and make sure they fit with Christ. It doesn't say, we take captive every thought from 5am to 5pm. It says EVERY thought. Even the ones in the middle of the night that pull you awake, screaming or crying, or just plan silent, staring in fear and worry at the ceiling. It include those lustful thoughts about that someone that force their way into our minds at any random point of the day or night. It includes those depressing, I am worthless thoughts that hit you when you least expect it. All of those are to be taken captive and thrust into the fire. The FIRE, NOT the GARBAGE. They have to burn, change form, and never come back.
Why? Because God is in control. That's it. No other explanation. Our Sovereign Father has us in His arms, and he's NOT letting go. So why should we let our negative, depressing, lustful, harmful thoughts try to pull us out of his arms? The only power they have is what we give them. Otherwise, they are dead, worthless, pieces of ash. Ever noticed how similar the words TRASH and ASH are? I don't think that's a coincidence. But that's where those kinds of thoughts belong. The ones that should fill our minds should be centered around Christ, around faith, and hope, and around love. And on others, not ourselves. Because God's got us. Our job is to love God, love people. And we can't do that if don't take control of our minds. Our minds belong to Jesus. Not the Devil or ourselves. Now prove it. Take those thought captive. Don't give the Devil a foothold. Christ is the ONLY one with the power in our lives. Take hold of that truth, receive it, grasp it, and live it out.

Attitude of Thankfulness

At this moment, I have an attitude of thankfulness.

I'm thankful to my Savior for rescuing me from a life of sin and shame. (REALLY thankful, because I experienced it first hand, and I saw where it lead: to destruction.)
I'm thankful to my friend and first love, Jesus, for desiring an intimate relationship with me, and drawing me to himself.
I'm thankful to my Father, God, for making all things possible, and for paving my path and directing me along it.
I'm thankful to my Creator for giving me good gifts and many blessings, more than I can count.

I'm thankful to my parents for raising me to be a woman after God's own heart. I'm thankful for their advice, wisdom, and love.
I'm thankful for my sister and brother for their loyalty.
I'm thankful to my friends for their loyalty, and friendship, and care, and fun times.
I'm thankful to Jordan, my close friend, for all that has come, and all that lies ahead. May God direct our relationship. May God give us wisdom for every step. May God show his power and his might and his plan in this process. May God bless the future, and the present. May we continue to follow his perfect plan.

I'm so thankful, and joyful, and peaceful! God knows what He's doing! :)

Hey God, It's Always Better When We're Together

so yeah. It's truly always better when I'm with God. When I am working on comforming to His purpose for my life. My joy and peace are truly back. I don't have the freedom to go out and do what my flesh wants, but those things rob me of life and innocence. right now, i need sleep. i need restoration because im exhausted. like so exhausted! i need to start working on making my body have more energy each day, like exersizing! and i need to work on self control in other areas, lol.
God loves me. :)
God has a purpose for my life, and for the lives of each girl in my social club and the other social clubs. :)
I have to trust him that He knows who I'll end up with, and that they are someone God is proud of, or will be proud of when we end up together. But until then, and even afterward, I need to be seeking Him completely. Trent probably isn't the person. I have to stop looking!
God, hold me. tight. reassure me that you're never letting me go.

MY JOY IS BACK!

Ever since I told God I'm His and I'm listening and He is my direction, I've been walking toward Him and my JOY is back! It's amazing to see the glow and the peace that I now have on my face!
Today was weird, but honestly, what I need is self-discipline. I need a sense of purpose. So this blog post isn't going to be long because I have lots to do, but NO MORE coming in the room and chilling before I finish what I have to do!!!
COME ON JOY! You can do it! I was counting God's blessings earlier and it made me feel SO MUCH BETTER!
Thank you Jesus!
<3 I love you.

Where do I go from here?

Ok God
you know my thoughts.
I don't really know what I'm doing.
My parents want to move, with your blessing.
So where does that leave me? I need to think about the future but without giving up the present. And the present - quiet time with you. What are you waiting for me to discover about yourself?
It's almost noon; I kinda wasted the morning. I need to spend time with you and then concentrate on helping mom.
God, I don't know where you're leading me, both now and in the future. I kind of see myself applying to teach both in Northwest Arkansas and Tennessee. But I'm not really sure. I guess it's totally up to you. So how do you want me to develop my relationship with you while I'm here with my family? And what discipline habits are the most necessary? I need to figure out how to take care of myself before I move on in life. Self denial. I guess that's what I'm hearing from You. Ok God.
I'll do my best.
I love you.

I'm listening.

YOU are my direction.

I give it all cuz I'm drawn to you.
As long as my heart is beating.
Where you lead me I will follow.
Forever and a day.
I can't deny Your very presence is my life
And why would I ever turn away.
Cause deep inside I know that I cannot rely
On anything less than faith.
This is all I'm dreaming of
To live completely in your love.

Lost

Joy: "God, Satan's winning. The forces inside me are fighting at different strengths at different times, and it's never gonna end, but I don't have enough determination. I'm far from you. And I just, I'm spent."
God: "Oh my darling, don't you remember? If I am for you, who can be against you?"
Joy: "But God, my flesh is weak, and my spirit is less willing than it used to be."
God: "My grace is sufficient for you; my power is made perfect in your weakness."
Joy: "God, I have no self-control. I'm not walking in the Spirit, and I don't know how to start up again."
God: "My dear, you were faithful in the small things yesterday. You do just enough. She who is faithful in the little is faithful also in much."
Joy: "But God, I'm also unfaithful in the little, and I will be unfaithful in the much."
(Long pause.)
This is where I am. There are so many truths in the word that point to living for Jesus. But my motivation, my desire, my determination, all of it has all but disappeared. The only thing keeping me alive is knowing I can't give up. I'm truly hanging on by a thread. If I gave up, I would no longer have a goal: to teach children to love Jesus. I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know how to talk to God anymore. I don't know how to approach him. I don't have self-control in any area: get-ready, money, school work; if I don't want to do something, chances are I won't. And I don't know how to change.

God, I'm crying out to you. Hold me, bring me peace, give me a revelation.I have no idea what to do or where to go or how to come back to you. You have to do the work because I'm lost. Completely. And I'm not sure if I want my parents to know. And I have no idea how to get back into your arms. Daughter, you never left them. I've always held you. ok God, hold me. Direct my paths. I can't trust in my own understanding because I have no idea what to do or where to go. If I asked you to help me lay down my pride, well, ok, because I have no reason to have any anymore. Help me be willing to lay it down. Just hold me.

Alive, Well, and Home!

I'm home. No, correction: I'm HOME. REALLY. HOME. :) So happy to be here with my family! I love this place; I love this city. I love my family, I love my new computer. I love sleep, which is where I'm headed. I'm looking forward to being here with them for a while. But to survive, I need patience, humility, and a servant's heart. Then I'll be good to go as far as making sure I promote unity among my family. So with that in mind, I'll write more later, but I'm pooped. Goodnight, people who are just now starting Christmas day :).

How am I gonna go?

I just watched this movie entitled "Remember Me." It was about this kid whose brother died, and stuff happens in his life, blah blah blah, and he DIES. It's set in summer 2001. And dies in the twin towers crash waiting on his brother. So anyway, I'm sitting here with my friend, and I'm using her computer because mine stopped working. I haven't written a blog in forever and so I think I'm missing a lot of stuff that I should have written about this semester. I didn't document this semester very well. Maybe cuz it SUCKED. I made a lot of stupid choice. I chose pleasure, which turned into misery because I got nothing done so I would stress out a lot. I've really got to stop writing because my friend is literally sitting next to me, and I think I don't really want her to read this. But anyways, So I was watching this movie, and it made me start to think about my life. How do I want to be remembered? I want people to change their lifestyle because of me. For better. And I don't think anyone would at this point. I'm not that influential. But I am very selfish. And prideful. And far from God right now. I haven't sincerely talked to him since, well, I don't really know when. That's not technically a good thing. But yeah. I realized that I'm not guaranteed tomorrow. Which would SUCK SO BAD because I NEED TO GO HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! I NEED TO SEE MY FAMILY!!! If I die before I get to see my family, I'm really going to be pissed at God. Not even kidding.
So anyway, I better get off this. But yeah, life is miserable right now. I've never been miserable like this. ever. I'm lost. like that kid from the movie. I'm lost. And I don't know how to find way. I'm stuck. God, I can't choose right. I've tried. But I can't. So if I'm gonna be saved, you're gonna have to supernaturally come in and make me selfless cuz I can't do it. I really can't.

Corazon Roto, Quebrado, y en Pedazos

Estoy en el business lab en mi colegio, olvidandome de la tarea que todavia tengo que ya es tarde. Estoy pensando en el chavo que rompio mi corazon de nuevo. Creo que este es la quarta ves que el mismo cabron lo ha roto. Esta cancion lo dice perfectamente, porque fue aquel noviembre cuando rompio mi corazon la primera vez:
La tarde se aleja,
el cielo esta gris
la noche aparece sin ti,
callado en la playa
te lloro en silencio otra vez
Me ahoga esta pena
no puedo vivir
las olas no me hablan de ti
sentado en la arena
escribo tu nombre otra vez

Por que te extrano
desde aquel Noviembre
cuando sonamos juntos
a querernos siempre
me duele, este frio Noviembre
cuando las ojas cain
a morir por siempre..

Noviembre sin ti
es sentir que la lluvia
me dice llorando que todo acabo
Noviembre sin ti
es pedirle a la luna
que brille en la noche de mi corazon
otra vezz.. otra vez..

Quisiera decirte
que quiero volver
tu nombre va escrito en mi piel
ya es de madrugada
te sigo esperando otra vez

por que te extrano
desde aquel Noviembre
cuando sonamos juntos
a querernos siempre
me duele, este frio Noviembre
cuando las ojas cain
a morir por siempre...

Noviembre sin ti
es sentir que la lluvia
me dice llorando que todo acabo
Noviembre sin ti
es pedirle a la luna
que brille en la noche de mi corazon
otra vezz.. otra vez..

Necesito hacer mi tarea. Pero lo que pasa es que todos mis pensamientos estan contigo aunque ya no piensas en mi y ya no tienes los mismos sentimientos para mi. Yo pensaba y me dajabas pensar que me querias asi, pero no. Y por eso hay un gran hueco en mi corazon donde tu quedabas. Ya te fuiste y me dejaste con un corazon en pedazos. Yo no se si voy a poder poner todos los pedazos junto de nuevo. Voy a intentarlo. Y voy a intentar a olvidarme de ti. Gracias por los lecciones que me diste. Que tengas buena vida. Adios.

Y tengo un cancion para ti

Someday I'll understand
Someday I'll be able to explain it
Someday I'll be ok
But right now, I'm still pickin up the pieces

You led me on because
I put myself on your string
And I held on for dear life
So now I say

Thank you for your scissors
Thank you for cutting me off
Thank you for letting me go
It hurts like hell but I know
It was the best thing for us
So thank you for your scissors

I held on to the hope
That we would be together forever
I didn't see that you
Didn't love me the way I loved you

You led me on because
I put myself on your string
And I held on for dear life
So now I say

Thank you for your scissors
Thank you for cutting me off
Thank you for letting me go
It hurts like hell but I know
It was the best thing for us
So thank you for your scissors

Now I all I need is some glue
To put my heart back together again
Now all I need is some glue
The put my heart back together again

Te Perdi

A Mi Amor (No sabes quien eres)
Todavia te amo. Nunca supiste que te amaba, porque no te dije, y creo que talvez nunca te lo voy a decir, pero es verdad. Te amo. Con todo mi corazon.
Te amo sin miedo
Te amo cobarde
Te amo sin tiempo
Te amo aunque arde y lo sé
Te perdere

Te amo dormida
Te amo en silencio
Te amo mi vida
Te amo
Lo siento no hay nada
Que yo pueda hacer
En cuanto cruces la puerta
Te voy a perder

Te perdi. Pero te amo de todas maneras. Y creo que siempre te voy a amar. Siempre vas a ser mi primer amor. Mis movios anteriores no valen. Tu eres el unico que ame, y el unico quien quebro mi corazon. Talvez creo que eres el unico que lo puede conectar de nuevo, pero eso todavia vamos a ver un dia.
Te amo. Te amo. Te amo.

Pecado

Soy pecadora. Siempre, cada dia, voy a pecar. Voy a desobedecerle a Dios, a mi Padre, quien me ama mas que todo menos su hijo. Pero pecar esta en mi cuerpo, y va a quedar alli hasta que muera y vaya a vivir con Cristo. No se cuando va a pasar eso. No se cuantos mas pecados voy a comitir. Pero lo que se con todo mi corazon es que Dios liberamente me da su perdon. LIBERAMENTE. Y cuando yo acepto lo que mi Padre me ofrece, eso me libera. ME LIBERA! Imediatamente! Necesito saber y reconocer que mis pecados no me definan. Para nada! Yo soy hija de Dios, y eso siempre voy a ser. El murio para todos, incluyendo a mi. Su sangre quito a todos los pecados, incluyendo los mios. El todavia me puede usar aunque fui tan sucia. Soy limpia, y mis pecados se los perdono y olvido mi papa. Dios me puede usar, y puedo ser amabasador de su reino. Mis pecados son de un genero sexual, pero ya no quiero ser esclavisado a ellos. Gracias Senor, Gracias Papito, Gracias Jesus. Soy libre! Para siempre!

He LOVES ME!

Last week truly was AMAZING! God really showed me that He loved me. He didn't give me more than I could handle and He knew He needed to show me He was still on my side. And He did! By letting me go home for Christmas, giving me some great Chi Rho girls, and great friends in Little Rock. now I have to learn what he wants from me. And I think it is an intimate relationship with him. The problem is I have such a hard time setting aside time for him.
So, I'm trying to decide what happened this weekend was, was it a gift or a test?
It's so hard to decide!
Basically my friends Ron and Kim were discussing who would be perfect for me. Apparently there is such a guy and his name is Timmy. So when Ron saw Timmy on Sunday she blurted out that I would be perfect for him, and he got all excited. He facebooked me (I didn't know this) and was like, ok when is she coming to little rock? Well, Ron called me and told me all this, and I was like oh my gosh! I'll be there this weekend!
Well, I called my mom and she was like, Joy, please just wait. Let guys pursue you. You know you don't need a relationship now, especially after what you've been through lately. And my brother said basically the same thing. They are so wise!
So I talked to Ron about it and was like, we would meet Timmy sunday night. I was like well I can't cuz I have to be back for projects and stuff. So we decided I would go. Well, Timmy found out he wouldn't see me on Sunday and he told Ron he was trying to get a group together and stuff, and Ron was like, well you can come to my house. I kind of freaked, so Ron and I prayed about it. He was coming in the apartment, and Austin and I were singing we are hungry. The 4 of us just hung out and talked for a while. Any time Timmy and I had a conversation by ourselves, like every once in a while, it was pretty serious. then we all wanted to go to bed. But Timmy wasn't tired. So I stayed up with him on the couch while Austin and Ron went into the other room and talked. We had serious conversations about God, life, and everything else under the sun. We discovered that we really do have a lot in common. And he confessed that he really wanted to meet me and stuff. So to make a long story short, we stayed up talking till 5 am. After he told me he was interested, he kind of made his way over to me, and he asked if he could hold my hand and we did. His hands felt so great. We prayed together, and finally went to bed after a pillow fight and a tickle fight. He's cool with my no-kissing thing, which is great. I care about him but I'm afraid he wants me to meet his need for a relationship. I don't want me to be that. I want to be a blessing from God to His life, what He needs, not what He wants. So we really need to take things slow. So I guess that's where I am at. I like him but I need to quit talking and thinking about him. Jesus is truly amazing!
God gave me an accountability partner tonight: Val! It was totally unexpected, but it's what we need! YAY! I'm too tired to write more but God really does love me. He shows it so much. He will always be my father and my lover and will always take me back. Thank you, Father! <3

Coming Back

Things I've realized lately:
I'm human. On my own, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. ANYTHING, and I DO mean ANYTHING that I do right, is because God's grace has enabled me to glorify Him through right actions.
I'm a daughter of hte King. He really does love me. Even though I'll let Him down more times than I can count, He's still willing to come into my filing cabinet and right His name on all of my F graded papers and failed projects. My sins, my mistakes, my wrong decisions, were all paid for. There is nothing stopping His forgiveness from reaching my soul except myself.
Things are cloudy in my head. I don't know how I feel about myself, God, my future, marriage, my feelings, pretty much anything anymore. But God brigns clarity if I just obey Him. I'm still human. I can still make decisions. But they have to have the right motives. And my motive for gettign a tattoo is to help remind me and those who see that my passion is His renown no matter how far away I stray. My motive for going to parties to befriend those people. I need God JSUT AS MUCH AS THEY DO. I need AS MUCH FORGIVENESS as they need. NOTHING in my life makes me a better person. I'm not a better person than ANYONE, no matter how badly anyone behaves. I'm merely forgiven. And I have a purpose the right actions I do. My right actions don't save me. They merely demonstrate where my heart lies. And I want these friends I'll be making to see that I'm not afraid of them. I'm not ashamed of my lack of fear. They need to see an example of what happens when God forgives someone. Yes I need a guy to come with me for my own protection. But that only means I value myself. Just because God loves these people doesn't mean I have to trust them. They're showing me their desires. It's my responsibilty to demonstrate that I can't meet those desires.
I want to come back to God. I'm that dirty princess for my old storybook, who left hte palace. Tried to be like those other kids. Got dirty. But when the King passed by, I still recognized that He's my Father. I can't throw things at Him. I can, but He's still my Father. So I have to go to the front door and allow Him to open it and let me back into His arms and let Him clean up my bruises.
Jesus, thank you for your grace. I don't know where I'd be without it, I need it so badly. Father, thank you for your love. That's all I can say is Thank you. And I'm sorry. Spirit, thank you for allowing me to talk to Jesus and God even when I'm unclean and you guys can't tolerate sin. Thank you for being my mediator and conscience. Thank you God for not giving up on me. I'm coming back, just like I promised. I'm still me. I still make my own decisions. But I'm YOUR CHILD. And my passion is your renown. Other Christians' view of me doesn't matter. I dont' want to cause them to stumble but one tattoo, and parties where I don't drink or smoke or dance, I don't think will do that. God, I WANT to care about my brothers and sisters, but I wasn't sent for them. My life is not lived for them. My purpose is to share Jesus with the broken. The broken are not the ones at Refuge. I mean yeah sort of. But the broken are in the underbelly of my school. And I have no judgment. Yes I'm easily influenced. But I know where I stand ultimately. I'm still confused. But I want to try. If you say no, go somewhere else, then fine, I'll go somewhere else. But I need to try. Because I LOVE these people.
I guess that's it for now. Thanks again for not giving up on me. I love you. And I've missed you, Jesus.

Utterly Hopeless

The mistakes I made this summer, cybering and stuff, just pushed me over the edge. I dont think I realized it, but I stopped loving myself. I never truly forgave myself. I remember driving one day, after having read a part of a book that talked about how God wanted to fall in love with me. I told ymself I was content with the father-child relationship I have with God.
And since then, yeah, I've read my bible a few times, and I read my utmost for his highest devotional book almost everyday, but when I got back to college I felt like i dont belong. I have this overwhelming sense of loneliness. So I got back on wire. and I cybered a little more becasue my friends pushed me. I haven't talked to him since and I'm not cybering anymore, but the only thing keeping me on the right track is my education. Honestly that's the only thing I'm caring about right now, because I want to influence kids and make a difference in their lives. And I need to get good grades to keep my scholarships. And I love being in the Honors Program.
But besides my education and my classses, everything else is suffering. I'm not even going to God. I dont think I talked to him all day, and that NEVER EVER happens. talking to him is just part of my day. Today I think I said a sentence to him maybe once, but I dont remember. I saw my unversity counselor today and even He is concerned. The last time I met with him, back in April, I was fine I just needed to meet and get some things off my chest, like the fact that I struggle with loneliness.
He asked me today if I was angry at God and I started crying. I never cry like that in front of people! ever! But yes, I am angry at God. He won't let me go home this Christmas. all of the plans I have made lately are foiled somehow someway. and I have this strong desire to smoke pot.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm in utter despair and I don't want to reach for the way that I knows leads up and out. Like, I WON'T reach for it. But I know there's no other way out. but I don't want to surrender. but I don't want to end up in jail or pregnant with no money or future or husband. So I don't know what to do. At all. Yes I do. But I can't right now. I don't know why but I can't. I'm out of hope. Completely.

Finding My Place

Well I'm back at school. Have been for about 24 hours. And I'mm feeling confused. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know what my place/role is here yet. Yeah some of my friends care about me..u they really don't care. I look around and I see lots of people getting together and calling each other. My friends are calling me out of obligation. I'm in XPФ, and my sisters are wonderful, but they're only my friends because they have to be. And none of the education majors like me much. And the international clubbers are great, but I feel distant from them. My roommate is so sweet, and she's buddhist. One of my best friends ever is an agnostic, and she doesn't even go to this school. My FAMILY is in FREAKING THAILAND! I feel SO DISPlACED!
Maybe it's the Devil trying to render me useless for the Kingdom. So I know that I need to find my worth, identity and palce in God as His child. Just typing that brings a sense of peace into my heart. I have a place of belonging. It's in the Kingdom of God, as His child, in His arms. Ahhh, peace restored.
These people need to be shown the true love of Jesus, either through me or through their friends. His love and renown beign spread is what matters. Yes, I matter. I'm trying to figure that out. I sometimes wish God hadn't given me desires. Because my fleshly ones get in the way and I don't understand why I matter as person if His glory is what matters most. Why did God create me with needs? I just wish my needs went away and all I needed was assurance that He loved me so that I could be COMPLETELY devoted to His will.
But that's not how it works. Instead I'm stuck with the distractions of boys, school, family, and whatever else. Ugh I hate this balancing act. But that peace is still there. I matter. And God can still be glorified through my failures and needs and distractions and weaknesses. That's what my latest song is about :)