How am I gonna go?

I just watched this movie entitled "Remember Me." It was about this kid whose brother died, and stuff happens in his life, blah blah blah, and he DIES. It's set in summer 2001. And dies in the twin towers crash waiting on his brother. So anyway, I'm sitting here with my friend, and I'm using her computer because mine stopped working. I haven't written a blog in forever and so I think I'm missing a lot of stuff that I should have written about this semester. I didn't document this semester very well. Maybe cuz it SUCKED. I made a lot of stupid choice. I chose pleasure, which turned into misery because I got nothing done so I would stress out a lot. I've really got to stop writing because my friend is literally sitting next to me, and I think I don't really want her to read this. But anyways, So I was watching this movie, and it made me start to think about my life. How do I want to be remembered? I want people to change their lifestyle because of me. For better. And I don't think anyone would at this point. I'm not that influential. But I am very selfish. And prideful. And far from God right now. I haven't sincerely talked to him since, well, I don't really know when. That's not technically a good thing. But yeah. I realized that I'm not guaranteed tomorrow. Which would SUCK SO BAD because I NEED TO GO HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! I NEED TO SEE MY FAMILY!!! If I die before I get to see my family, I'm really going to be pissed at God. Not even kidding.
So anyway, I better get off this. But yeah, life is miserable right now. I've never been miserable like this. ever. I'm lost. like that kid from the movie. I'm lost. And I don't know how to find way. I'm stuck. God, I can't choose right. I've tried. But I can't. So if I'm gonna be saved, you're gonna have to supernaturally come in and make me selfless cuz I can't do it. I really can't.

Corazon Roto, Quebrado, y en Pedazos

Estoy en el business lab en mi colegio, olvidandome de la tarea que todavia tengo que ya es tarde. Estoy pensando en el chavo que rompio mi corazon de nuevo. Creo que este es la quarta ves que el mismo cabron lo ha roto. Esta cancion lo dice perfectamente, porque fue aquel noviembre cuando rompio mi corazon la primera vez:
La tarde se aleja,
el cielo esta gris
la noche aparece sin ti,
callado en la playa
te lloro en silencio otra vez
Me ahoga esta pena
no puedo vivir
las olas no me hablan de ti
sentado en la arena
escribo tu nombre otra vez

Por que te extrano
desde aquel Noviembre
cuando sonamos juntos
a querernos siempre
me duele, este frio Noviembre
cuando las ojas cain
a morir por siempre..

Noviembre sin ti
es sentir que la lluvia
me dice llorando que todo acabo
Noviembre sin ti
es pedirle a la luna
que brille en la noche de mi corazon
otra vezz.. otra vez..

Quisiera decirte
que quiero volver
tu nombre va escrito en mi piel
ya es de madrugada
te sigo esperando otra vez

por que te extrano
desde aquel Noviembre
cuando sonamos juntos
a querernos siempre
me duele, este frio Noviembre
cuando las ojas cain
a morir por siempre...

Noviembre sin ti
es sentir que la lluvia
me dice llorando que todo acabo
Noviembre sin ti
es pedirle a la luna
que brille en la noche de mi corazon
otra vezz.. otra vez..

Necesito hacer mi tarea. Pero lo que pasa es que todos mis pensamientos estan contigo aunque ya no piensas en mi y ya no tienes los mismos sentimientos para mi. Yo pensaba y me dajabas pensar que me querias asi, pero no. Y por eso hay un gran hueco en mi corazon donde tu quedabas. Ya te fuiste y me dejaste con un corazon en pedazos. Yo no se si voy a poder poner todos los pedazos junto de nuevo. Voy a intentarlo. Y voy a intentar a olvidarme de ti. Gracias por los lecciones que me diste. Que tengas buena vida. Adios.

Y tengo un cancion para ti

Someday I'll understand
Someday I'll be able to explain it
Someday I'll be ok
But right now, I'm still pickin up the pieces

You led me on because
I put myself on your string
And I held on for dear life
So now I say

Thank you for your scissors
Thank you for cutting me off
Thank you for letting me go
It hurts like hell but I know
It was the best thing for us
So thank you for your scissors

I held on to the hope
That we would be together forever
I didn't see that you
Didn't love me the way I loved you

You led me on because
I put myself on your string
And I held on for dear life
So now I say

Thank you for your scissors
Thank you for cutting me off
Thank you for letting me go
It hurts like hell but I know
It was the best thing for us
So thank you for your scissors

Now I all I need is some glue
To put my heart back together again
Now all I need is some glue
The put my heart back together again

Te Perdi

A Mi Amor (No sabes quien eres)
Todavia te amo. Nunca supiste que te amaba, porque no te dije, y creo que talvez nunca te lo voy a decir, pero es verdad. Te amo. Con todo mi corazon.
Te amo sin miedo
Te amo cobarde
Te amo sin tiempo
Te amo aunque arde y lo sé
Te perdere

Te amo dormida
Te amo en silencio
Te amo mi vida
Te amo
Lo siento no hay nada
Que yo pueda hacer
En cuanto cruces la puerta
Te voy a perder

Te perdi. Pero te amo de todas maneras. Y creo que siempre te voy a amar. Siempre vas a ser mi primer amor. Mis movios anteriores no valen. Tu eres el unico que ame, y el unico quien quebro mi corazon. Talvez creo que eres el unico que lo puede conectar de nuevo, pero eso todavia vamos a ver un dia.
Te amo. Te amo. Te amo.

Pecado

Soy pecadora. Siempre, cada dia, voy a pecar. Voy a desobedecerle a Dios, a mi Padre, quien me ama mas que todo menos su hijo. Pero pecar esta en mi cuerpo, y va a quedar alli hasta que muera y vaya a vivir con Cristo. No se cuando va a pasar eso. No se cuantos mas pecados voy a comitir. Pero lo que se con todo mi corazon es que Dios liberamente me da su perdon. LIBERAMENTE. Y cuando yo acepto lo que mi Padre me ofrece, eso me libera. ME LIBERA! Imediatamente! Necesito saber y reconocer que mis pecados no me definan. Para nada! Yo soy hija de Dios, y eso siempre voy a ser. El murio para todos, incluyendo a mi. Su sangre quito a todos los pecados, incluyendo los mios. El todavia me puede usar aunque fui tan sucia. Soy limpia, y mis pecados se los perdono y olvido mi papa. Dios me puede usar, y puedo ser amabasador de su reino. Mis pecados son de un genero sexual, pero ya no quiero ser esclavisado a ellos. Gracias Senor, Gracias Papito, Gracias Jesus. Soy libre! Para siempre!

He LOVES ME!

Last week truly was AMAZING! God really showed me that He loved me. He didn't give me more than I could handle and He knew He needed to show me He was still on my side. And He did! By letting me go home for Christmas, giving me some great Chi Rho girls, and great friends in Little Rock. now I have to learn what he wants from me. And I think it is an intimate relationship with him. The problem is I have such a hard time setting aside time for him.
So, I'm trying to decide what happened this weekend was, was it a gift or a test?
It's so hard to decide!
Basically my friends Ron and Kim were discussing who would be perfect for me. Apparently there is such a guy and his name is Timmy. So when Ron saw Timmy on Sunday she blurted out that I would be perfect for him, and he got all excited. He facebooked me (I didn't know this) and was like, ok when is she coming to little rock? Well, Ron called me and told me all this, and I was like oh my gosh! I'll be there this weekend!
Well, I called my mom and she was like, Joy, please just wait. Let guys pursue you. You know you don't need a relationship now, especially after what you've been through lately. And my brother said basically the same thing. They are so wise!
So I talked to Ron about it and was like, we would meet Timmy sunday night. I was like well I can't cuz I have to be back for projects and stuff. So we decided I would go. Well, Timmy found out he wouldn't see me on Sunday and he told Ron he was trying to get a group together and stuff, and Ron was like, well you can come to my house. I kind of freaked, so Ron and I prayed about it. He was coming in the apartment, and Austin and I were singing we are hungry. The 4 of us just hung out and talked for a while. Any time Timmy and I had a conversation by ourselves, like every once in a while, it was pretty serious. then we all wanted to go to bed. But Timmy wasn't tired. So I stayed up with him on the couch while Austin and Ron went into the other room and talked. We had serious conversations about God, life, and everything else under the sun. We discovered that we really do have a lot in common. And he confessed that he really wanted to meet me and stuff. So to make a long story short, we stayed up talking till 5 am. After he told me he was interested, he kind of made his way over to me, and he asked if he could hold my hand and we did. His hands felt so great. We prayed together, and finally went to bed after a pillow fight and a tickle fight. He's cool with my no-kissing thing, which is great. I care about him but I'm afraid he wants me to meet his need for a relationship. I don't want me to be that. I want to be a blessing from God to His life, what He needs, not what He wants. So we really need to take things slow. So I guess that's where I am at. I like him but I need to quit talking and thinking about him. Jesus is truly amazing!
God gave me an accountability partner tonight: Val! It was totally unexpected, but it's what we need! YAY! I'm too tired to write more but God really does love me. He shows it so much. He will always be my father and my lover and will always take me back. Thank you, Father! <3

Coming Back

Things I've realized lately:
I'm human. On my own, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. ANYTHING, and I DO mean ANYTHING that I do right, is because God's grace has enabled me to glorify Him through right actions.
I'm a daughter of hte King. He really does love me. Even though I'll let Him down more times than I can count, He's still willing to come into my filing cabinet and right His name on all of my F graded papers and failed projects. My sins, my mistakes, my wrong decisions, were all paid for. There is nothing stopping His forgiveness from reaching my soul except myself.
Things are cloudy in my head. I don't know how I feel about myself, God, my future, marriage, my feelings, pretty much anything anymore. But God brigns clarity if I just obey Him. I'm still human. I can still make decisions. But they have to have the right motives. And my motive for gettign a tattoo is to help remind me and those who see that my passion is His renown no matter how far away I stray. My motive for going to parties to befriend those people. I need God JSUT AS MUCH AS THEY DO. I need AS MUCH FORGIVENESS as they need. NOTHING in my life makes me a better person. I'm not a better person than ANYONE, no matter how badly anyone behaves. I'm merely forgiven. And I have a purpose the right actions I do. My right actions don't save me. They merely demonstrate where my heart lies. And I want these friends I'll be making to see that I'm not afraid of them. I'm not ashamed of my lack of fear. They need to see an example of what happens when God forgives someone. Yes I need a guy to come with me for my own protection. But that only means I value myself. Just because God loves these people doesn't mean I have to trust them. They're showing me their desires. It's my responsibilty to demonstrate that I can't meet those desires.
I want to come back to God. I'm that dirty princess for my old storybook, who left hte palace. Tried to be like those other kids. Got dirty. But when the King passed by, I still recognized that He's my Father. I can't throw things at Him. I can, but He's still my Father. So I have to go to the front door and allow Him to open it and let me back into His arms and let Him clean up my bruises.
Jesus, thank you for your grace. I don't know where I'd be without it, I need it so badly. Father, thank you for your love. That's all I can say is Thank you. And I'm sorry. Spirit, thank you for allowing me to talk to Jesus and God even when I'm unclean and you guys can't tolerate sin. Thank you for being my mediator and conscience. Thank you God for not giving up on me. I'm coming back, just like I promised. I'm still me. I still make my own decisions. But I'm YOUR CHILD. And my passion is your renown. Other Christians' view of me doesn't matter. I dont' want to cause them to stumble but one tattoo, and parties where I don't drink or smoke or dance, I don't think will do that. God, I WANT to care about my brothers and sisters, but I wasn't sent for them. My life is not lived for them. My purpose is to share Jesus with the broken. The broken are not the ones at Refuge. I mean yeah sort of. But the broken are in the underbelly of my school. And I have no judgment. Yes I'm easily influenced. But I know where I stand ultimately. I'm still confused. But I want to try. If you say no, go somewhere else, then fine, I'll go somewhere else. But I need to try. Because I LOVE these people.
I guess that's it for now. Thanks again for not giving up on me. I love you. And I've missed you, Jesus.

Utterly Hopeless

The mistakes I made this summer, cybering and stuff, just pushed me over the edge. I dont think I realized it, but I stopped loving myself. I never truly forgave myself. I remember driving one day, after having read a part of a book that talked about how God wanted to fall in love with me. I told ymself I was content with the father-child relationship I have with God.
And since then, yeah, I've read my bible a few times, and I read my utmost for his highest devotional book almost everyday, but when I got back to college I felt like i dont belong. I have this overwhelming sense of loneliness. So I got back on wire. and I cybered a little more becasue my friends pushed me. I haven't talked to him since and I'm not cybering anymore, but the only thing keeping me on the right track is my education. Honestly that's the only thing I'm caring about right now, because I want to influence kids and make a difference in their lives. And I need to get good grades to keep my scholarships. And I love being in the Honors Program.
But besides my education and my classses, everything else is suffering. I'm not even going to God. I dont think I talked to him all day, and that NEVER EVER happens. talking to him is just part of my day. Today I think I said a sentence to him maybe once, but I dont remember. I saw my unversity counselor today and even He is concerned. The last time I met with him, back in April, I was fine I just needed to meet and get some things off my chest, like the fact that I struggle with loneliness.
He asked me today if I was angry at God and I started crying. I never cry like that in front of people! ever! But yes, I am angry at God. He won't let me go home this Christmas. all of the plans I have made lately are foiled somehow someway. and I have this strong desire to smoke pot.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm in utter despair and I don't want to reach for the way that I knows leads up and out. Like, I WON'T reach for it. But I know there's no other way out. but I don't want to surrender. but I don't want to end up in jail or pregnant with no money or future or husband. So I don't know what to do. At all. Yes I do. But I can't right now. I don't know why but I can't. I'm out of hope. Completely.