He LOVES ME!

Last week truly was AMAZING! God really showed me that He loved me. He didn't give me more than I could handle and He knew He needed to show me He was still on my side. And He did! By letting me go home for Christmas, giving me some great Chi Rho girls, and great friends in Little Rock. now I have to learn what he wants from me. And I think it is an intimate relationship with him. The problem is I have such a hard time setting aside time for him.
So, I'm trying to decide what happened this weekend was, was it a gift or a test?
It's so hard to decide!
Basically my friends Ron and Kim were discussing who would be perfect for me. Apparently there is such a guy and his name is Timmy. So when Ron saw Timmy on Sunday she blurted out that I would be perfect for him, and he got all excited. He facebooked me (I didn't know this) and was like, ok when is she coming to little rock? Well, Ron called me and told me all this, and I was like oh my gosh! I'll be there this weekend!
Well, I called my mom and she was like, Joy, please just wait. Let guys pursue you. You know you don't need a relationship now, especially after what you've been through lately. And my brother said basically the same thing. They are so wise!
So I talked to Ron about it and was like, we would meet Timmy sunday night. I was like well I can't cuz I have to be back for projects and stuff. So we decided I would go. Well, Timmy found out he wouldn't see me on Sunday and he told Ron he was trying to get a group together and stuff, and Ron was like, well you can come to my house. I kind of freaked, so Ron and I prayed about it. He was coming in the apartment, and Austin and I were singing we are hungry. The 4 of us just hung out and talked for a while. Any time Timmy and I had a conversation by ourselves, like every once in a while, it was pretty serious. then we all wanted to go to bed. But Timmy wasn't tired. So I stayed up with him on the couch while Austin and Ron went into the other room and talked. We had serious conversations about God, life, and everything else under the sun. We discovered that we really do have a lot in common. And he confessed that he really wanted to meet me and stuff. So to make a long story short, we stayed up talking till 5 am. After he told me he was interested, he kind of made his way over to me, and he asked if he could hold my hand and we did. His hands felt so great. We prayed together, and finally went to bed after a pillow fight and a tickle fight. He's cool with my no-kissing thing, which is great. I care about him but I'm afraid he wants me to meet his need for a relationship. I don't want me to be that. I want to be a blessing from God to His life, what He needs, not what He wants. So we really need to take things slow. So I guess that's where I am at. I like him but I need to quit talking and thinking about him. Jesus is truly amazing!
God gave me an accountability partner tonight: Val! It was totally unexpected, but it's what we need! YAY! I'm too tired to write more but God really does love me. He shows it so much. He will always be my father and my lover and will always take me back. Thank you, Father! <3

Coming Back

Things I've realized lately:
I'm human. On my own, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. ANYTHING, and I DO mean ANYTHING that I do right, is because God's grace has enabled me to glorify Him through right actions.
I'm a daughter of hte King. He really does love me. Even though I'll let Him down more times than I can count, He's still willing to come into my filing cabinet and right His name on all of my F graded papers and failed projects. My sins, my mistakes, my wrong decisions, were all paid for. There is nothing stopping His forgiveness from reaching my soul except myself.
Things are cloudy in my head. I don't know how I feel about myself, God, my future, marriage, my feelings, pretty much anything anymore. But God brigns clarity if I just obey Him. I'm still human. I can still make decisions. But they have to have the right motives. And my motive for gettign a tattoo is to help remind me and those who see that my passion is His renown no matter how far away I stray. My motive for going to parties to befriend those people. I need God JSUT AS MUCH AS THEY DO. I need AS MUCH FORGIVENESS as they need. NOTHING in my life makes me a better person. I'm not a better person than ANYONE, no matter how badly anyone behaves. I'm merely forgiven. And I have a purpose the right actions I do. My right actions don't save me. They merely demonstrate where my heart lies. And I want these friends I'll be making to see that I'm not afraid of them. I'm not ashamed of my lack of fear. They need to see an example of what happens when God forgives someone. Yes I need a guy to come with me for my own protection. But that only means I value myself. Just because God loves these people doesn't mean I have to trust them. They're showing me their desires. It's my responsibilty to demonstrate that I can't meet those desires.
I want to come back to God. I'm that dirty princess for my old storybook, who left hte palace. Tried to be like those other kids. Got dirty. But when the King passed by, I still recognized that He's my Father. I can't throw things at Him. I can, but He's still my Father. So I have to go to the front door and allow Him to open it and let me back into His arms and let Him clean up my bruises.
Jesus, thank you for your grace. I don't know where I'd be without it, I need it so badly. Father, thank you for your love. That's all I can say is Thank you. And I'm sorry. Spirit, thank you for allowing me to talk to Jesus and God even when I'm unclean and you guys can't tolerate sin. Thank you for being my mediator and conscience. Thank you God for not giving up on me. I'm coming back, just like I promised. I'm still me. I still make my own decisions. But I'm YOUR CHILD. And my passion is your renown. Other Christians' view of me doesn't matter. I dont' want to cause them to stumble but one tattoo, and parties where I don't drink or smoke or dance, I don't think will do that. God, I WANT to care about my brothers and sisters, but I wasn't sent for them. My life is not lived for them. My purpose is to share Jesus with the broken. The broken are not the ones at Refuge. I mean yeah sort of. But the broken are in the underbelly of my school. And I have no judgment. Yes I'm easily influenced. But I know where I stand ultimately. I'm still confused. But I want to try. If you say no, go somewhere else, then fine, I'll go somewhere else. But I need to try. Because I LOVE these people.
I guess that's it for now. Thanks again for not giving up on me. I love you. And I've missed you, Jesus.

Utterly Hopeless

The mistakes I made this summer, cybering and stuff, just pushed me over the edge. I dont think I realized it, but I stopped loving myself. I never truly forgave myself. I remember driving one day, after having read a part of a book that talked about how God wanted to fall in love with me. I told ymself I was content with the father-child relationship I have with God.
And since then, yeah, I've read my bible a few times, and I read my utmost for his highest devotional book almost everyday, but when I got back to college I felt like i dont belong. I have this overwhelming sense of loneliness. So I got back on wire. and I cybered a little more becasue my friends pushed me. I haven't talked to him since and I'm not cybering anymore, but the only thing keeping me on the right track is my education. Honestly that's the only thing I'm caring about right now, because I want to influence kids and make a difference in their lives. And I need to get good grades to keep my scholarships. And I love being in the Honors Program.
But besides my education and my classses, everything else is suffering. I'm not even going to God. I dont think I talked to him all day, and that NEVER EVER happens. talking to him is just part of my day. Today I think I said a sentence to him maybe once, but I dont remember. I saw my unversity counselor today and even He is concerned. The last time I met with him, back in April, I was fine I just needed to meet and get some things off my chest, like the fact that I struggle with loneliness.
He asked me today if I was angry at God and I started crying. I never cry like that in front of people! ever! But yes, I am angry at God. He won't let me go home this Christmas. all of the plans I have made lately are foiled somehow someway. and I have this strong desire to smoke pot.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm in utter despair and I don't want to reach for the way that I knows leads up and out. Like, I WON'T reach for it. But I know there's no other way out. but I don't want to surrender. but I don't want to end up in jail or pregnant with no money or future or husband. So I don't know what to do. At all. Yes I do. But I can't right now. I don't know why but I can't. I'm out of hope. Completely.

Finding My Place

Well I'm back at school. Have been for about 24 hours. And I'mm feeling confused. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know what my place/role is here yet. Yeah some of my friends care about me..u they really don't care. I look around and I see lots of people getting together and calling each other. My friends are calling me out of obligation. I'm in XPФ, and my sisters are wonderful, but they're only my friends because they have to be. And none of the education majors like me much. And the international clubbers are great, but I feel distant from them. My roommate is so sweet, and she's buddhist. One of my best friends ever is an agnostic, and she doesn't even go to this school. My FAMILY is in FREAKING THAILAND! I feel SO DISPlACED!
Maybe it's the Devil trying to render me useless for the Kingdom. So I know that I need to find my worth, identity and palce in God as His child. Just typing that brings a sense of peace into my heart. I have a place of belonging. It's in the Kingdom of God, as His child, in His arms. Ahhh, peace restored.
These people need to be shown the true love of Jesus, either through me or through their friends. His love and renown beign spread is what matters. Yes, I matter. I'm trying to figure that out. I sometimes wish God hadn't given me desires. Because my fleshly ones get in the way and I don't understand why I matter as person if His glory is what matters most. Why did God create me with needs? I just wish my needs went away and all I needed was assurance that He loved me so that I could be COMPLETELY devoted to His will.
But that's not how it works. Instead I'm stuck with the distractions of boys, school, family, and whatever else. Ugh I hate this balancing act. But that peace is still there. I matter. And God can still be glorified through my failures and needs and distractions and weaknesses. That's what my latest song is about :)

Dear ___

Dear ___
Our relationship/friendship is not all about you. All we do is talk about who and what you want to talk about. I let you talk because I want to be there for you and I want to support you in this healing process. And then you leave. You say you have to go. When you figure out I'm done listening or when you've decided you've talked enough about your problems you don't stay around to listen to mine. And you compare my problems to yours when you finally DO listen. And it's not fair! I'm not going to leave you because I just can't do that. I will continue to talk to you when you want and I will continue to be your friend and I won't even show this to you. But I'm upset! And I can't even tell you I'm upset! Because I hint at why I'm upset and you blow it off; you ignore it because you don't want to hear it. And since I only hint at it, you decide you it's totally okay to ignore it! Thanks a LOT!
And I hate how you think you have this huge grasp on what it means to be a Christian but you're so concerned about yourself and meeting your needs that you twist God and the Bible aruond to fit what you desire Him to be! I can't really complain because I do that too in my own way but still, seeing that it in you is aggravating, especially since I can't point it out.
So yeah those are my thoughts. And I hope and pray that one day you'll grow up. And you'll see the error of your ways.

Who do you think of First?

When you get extra money, you start thinking about what you will do with it. Who does that money eventually benefit? You or others?
When you discover extra time on your hands, what do you do with it? Who gets the benefit?
Who do you hang out with? Why?

These are questions I'm in the midst of asking myself. Because I realized that my time and money has gone to only myself this summer. I told God and myself that I would be sold out for Him. Did I follow through with that? Ashamedly, no. I failed. I called Mom and Dad yesterday morning, and I was on the verge of crying. I disappointed God! I let myself think of me first. At first I felt guilty about it and told myself, dear you need to wake up earlier and have your quiet time! But I just found excuses why not to, and kept waking up at the last possible minute. I have done that all my life. Why can't I change??!! The spirit it willing but the flesh is weak.
But I desire to change. The Bible says Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Seek ye first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you as well. So encouragement to myself: CHANGE IS COMING.

God has also been telling me something this summer: Feed my lambs. And those lambs are Cash and Jackson, too bored boys looking for things to do right beforeschool starts. Even though they are annyoing and they have come to my house to hang out with me when I'm napping and busy, they need the guidance that I can give them. God was telling me this and I wasn't listening. Well, I'm listening now God!

The Finishing Touch

So much has happened since I last blogged! I went up to see Beauty and the Beast this past weekend, a 3 hr drive away. I had lunch right before the trip with Mrs Kathy, and she encouraged me to pray for the willingness to do the right thing as far as seeing or not seeing my ex. She told me her story about how she got together with her husband, and told me some of her philosophies. It's a funny story about how she and her husband met: she was heading up a picnic, and there were no diet cokes, and she was complaining. Randy said, do you want me to run to Sam's and get you a Diet Coke? She replied, if you do that, I will love you for the rest of my life. And long story short, that's what happened! Hehe!
So Veronica and I are on our way when she realizes there's no free-on in her air condition. She calls her Dad and we stop but to no avail, nothing can be done. We are about to get on the interstate anyway when the engine smokes and stalls. Some nice guys help us push it to the nearest gas station, as help us cool down her engine. Apparently what had happened was when her Dad got the oil changed, the guys who checked the other fluids hadn't tightened the cap on the water container and it had all spilled out causing the engine to overheat. Be glad you weren't there, we were kind of freaking out.
So her parents finally showed up with the van, and we left at 4. We were supposed to get there are 5:30, and we barely got there before 7, the time the show was supposed to start. What a beginning to our road trip!
Beauty and the Beats was amazing. The set was so well put together, the actors and actresses did a wonderful job; I was caught up in the whole story, as usual. So Veronica and Kim and I went to Kim's apartment where we hung out till I crashed on the couch. I was EXHAUSTED.
I woke up the next day to Ron and Kim getting ready. I called Thomas, my ex, to see when we were going to meet. At first he had wanted to meet a 8 or so because he had already called a friend earlier to cover for him at work so he could watch Beauty and the Beast. Well he wasn't going to watch it, and I was NOT going to see him at night. I have a hard enough time keeping my emotions in check in the day time. So we met at the mall at 2, after me having had lunch at this Brazilian steakhouse and having been to 2 outdoor stores with Ron and Kim. When I got to the mall, we started walking to the bathroom. I got a text that said I'm here. And I looked up, and there he was, about 30 feet from me.
He didn't see me wave, which was great because I still had to pee and I was inwardly freaking out because I WASN'T READY! So we bypassed him and went quickly to the bathroom, and my friends were like, are you ok? No, not really, I'm freaking out! I'm about to see my x, and I haven't seen him since 3 days before we took that break in November...!!! So they go their separate ways because they didn't really want to meet him, and I call him and tell him I'm there. We meet and he doesn't recognize me till I'm like 5 feet in front of him; I'd already spotted him, and he was confused at why this girl (me) was walking towards him. Ugh, men!
So we talked while he ate lunch, mind you he got Chinese food, the same place we ate when I had first gone up to see him April of last year. And he got me a fortune cookie, something about friends bringing new blessings into your life... Almost all the way through his meal he says, "Oh by the way I brought your bear back." My what? Yes. My teddy bear. Thing I loved and cherished for 3 years before I let him take it with him after he had visited me in September. When I came up to see him in October and November I had let him keep it, not knowing he would break up with me. So when he told me this I said, "Oh cool." Inwardly My heart was saying "NO!!!! WHY WHY WHY???!!!"
So we finished visiting, it was obvious there was no spark of anything between us anymore. I still cared for him and he stills cared for me, but not romantically. He never hugged me; barely touched me. We walked around the mall, and saw my friend briefly on the way out to his car to get my bear. He gave me the bear, shook my hand with some weird handshake, and got in his car.
I didn't even wait for him to get in; I walked back towards the mall, putting my bear inside my purse, and trying not to cry. My heart was breaking the rest of the way. It was a small piece, but it had been barely hanging out ,and now it was completely torn off. And I was hurting. I hurt for a few hours. I met up with my friends and they asked how it went. I said it went well. They asked if I was ok. I said NO. I would be better had he not given me my bear back. I walked around hurting after that. Didn't say much for the rest of the afternoon. But then we made spaghetti carbonara, and that helped to distract me. The pain was subsiding. Once we turned on No Reservations, I was ok. I realized it. I was truly going to be fine. It was time to move on. Thing relationship with Thomas was over, and any hope of something in the future was gone. And I would be ok. Someday in the far future, God will provide me with someone else.
I called my mom and she said, that worries me because what's going to stop you from enjoying the pursuits of or pursuing other guys? Well Mom, I said, School and my relationship with God are what I need to be concentrating on. I'm taking 19 hours, and I'm falling in love with Jesus. I'm possibly in over my head. No room for boys at this point. I'll be ok without them. She seemed satisfied. Now I'm back in the real world. My internship has just finished, and I have 2 weeks left in this town and then it's back to college! I have so many thoughts about life, marriage, relationship, and college going through my head, but this blog post is ready to be finished. :)