I have come to the conclusion that I was not meant to be Leah.
I was meant to be Rachel.
the problem is, I'm considered by many men (subconsciously) as a Leah. I have fairer skin, not very pronounced features, and I am the older sister. My sister has the more attractive features. She's beautiful. And in my mind, a lot more so than me. And of the guys who know both of us, they are more attracted to her. My personality and maturity is evident, but of the guys who have had the choice between her and I, all have chosen her. This isn't the first time I've thought about this. She and I know that she is the hot one and I am the smart one.
I've had boyfriends, and relationships, and I'm very grateful for them. I thought my last relationship would last forever. But his feelings for me weren't as deep as mine were (and still are) for him. Before me, he dated a girl who was ironically named Leah. And now they are constant friends. They've been friends since they were like 3 years old, and now they don't talk often, but they are still fairly close. And I look at my relationship with him, and I see that pattern beginning to happen with us. My heart is screaming, "I'm not another Leah! I'm a Rachel! And I want to be YOUR RACHEL!"
But I can't control this situation. The best thing for em to do is let him go. For myself. I have a lot of friends who were going to marry and some were even engaged to men, and they ended up not. They either married other men or are still single. And I've thought I was going to marry this man. But I could be wrong. And I HATE that thought with every fiber of my being. But I have to accept it. I have to let God be in control of my future. I'm trying to manipulate to how I want it to turn out. But I'm not in control. I'm just NOT.
So here I am, with all these desires of being a Rachel. I want to be pursued. I want him (who ever God chooses) to see me and say, "I want HER. With all of me, I want HER." Almost every girl I know has that desire. It's how we were made. And I know a guy who has told me that if he's ever getting married, the girl will be the one proposing to him, because he doesn't really want to get married. Dumbbutt!!!
I really wish I could run up to my ex and sing him that song Realize by Colbie Caillat. But I then I realize myself that that wouldn't be letting him go.
I don't know what else to say at this point, except,
Father God, help me. I need you. I need to love you and resurrender to you and fall head over heels for you again. I'm planning my way, but You determine my steps. Thank you for that comfort. Thank you for being in control. Help me take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to you. Not my will but yours, Lord.
He is Enough
2 comments:
Proverbs 19:21 "We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God's purpose prevails." Dumbbutt needs to remember that, too ;) <3
I love how you know who dumbbutt is!!!
And my thought process is changing. Earlier when I wrote the post, I was following my feeling. A wise friend has told me many things; the main ones that stick out are when you walk barefoot in life, you get cut. And with my ex, I definitely was NOT wearing shoes. Another thing is that feelings are the worst compass ever. I let myself fall hard. And now I have to re-direct my fall into my father's arms, and allow him to teach me what should be guide in life, instead of my feelings.
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