This summer has been so hectic and sometimes overwhelming! I have a journal and lots of friends so I haven't felt like blogging. Anyways, I'm a nanny for 3 kids this summer. I never thought life as an adult would require so much effort on my part. I thought agreements were final and I've found that people want to get the best deal they can, and sometimes taking advantage of a young person works for them. but I am strong. I am sticking to plans and being nice about it. The bottom line is I want what I agreed to get. when people forget or take advantage, I need to say something. I was hoping I wouldnt have to, but people are primarily concerned about themselves. But I have seen that their respect goes up for me when I stand up for what we agreed on. In my mind Im not a pushover. I don't know, its complicated. But what I do know is that I have to really work to get what I want. And thats not a bad thing, expecially when God is on my side. He has given me the abililty to be kind with my words and he has used other people to tell me that I can stand up for myself and demand that I get what was previously agreed on.
I have to make a conscious effort to not waste my days. Today I went outside and just spent time in the sun, at my great grandmother's grave, just enjoying the nice weather this morning. Even though I used up gas to go to work and had to turn around and come back because they didnt need me, I'm glad they didnt tell me sooner, or else I would have slept in, and stayed in bed the whole day watching TV. I love today. It's beautiful. I need to enjoy it. There's a song, I forget who its by, some country singer, but the chorus talks about time periods in your life and when they pass you're gonna miss them and want them back and wish they hadnt gone by so fast. It's so true. This past semester I was just waiting for summer and for college to start, but now I miss those days. I don't necesarily want them back, I don't even want a chance to do them over, but I hold tightly to the memories I have. I miss my family so much.
My motto is no regrets. There are probably a few small things I could have done differently, especially when it comes to making good habits and not putting things off. I always showed up late to places because a cool TV show was on and it ended exactly at the hour and I wanted to wait till the end to go to work or to do something productive. And sometimes another show would come on when I knew it was time to take my eyes of the TV and I just wouldn't. I love TV, I'm pretty much addicted. But when people look at my life, I want it to be as interesting as the TV. If my life were a movie right now, people would get up during lots of parts and go get popcorn, or go out to eat or go play outside and left hte movie , cuz they would just be seeing me laying in my bed watching TV or on the computer for hours and hours. I am going to make a change. And it starts with acknowledging Gods presence in my life every single morning. It takes a lot of effort, and sometimes I'll probably try to hurry through my quiet time, but I will know He's there, and I will be able to learn something every time I read the Bible. Yesterday I read Zephaniah chapter 1 and I saw patterns in the people of that day that I saw in myself, bad patterns. I guess the first step is recognizing things that need to be changed, determining to change them, and carrying out the steps. The first 2 I've done a number of times. The carrying out part is sometimes short-lived or not even done. But I know that God loves me and he desires an intimate relationship. The God that made all things wants me, this lowly ignorant self-centered girl, to be one of his good friends, daughters, heirs, part of himself. And that overwhelms me! YAY! It has been a long time since I've laid down my pride and recognized how amaing God is. My lifestyles says Hes there watching me and I don't care what He thinks when I'm doing what I want. I will change, because I do care what God thinks of me. I do care how much time I spend with Him. I need Him. I don't need people though some can be great friends. I need God and I love people. My heart is filled with awe for God. Ive been in this situation before though. It seems now I'm in the one step forward period. But in a few days inevitably I will take a step backward. It's how I am. On Monday I was broken and asking him for help. Tuesday he gave it and I praised him. Wednesday I went back to my stupid habit of watching TV all day and I read one chapter of the Bible. But I didn't regress all the way because I do remember the impact the words had on me and I do remember where I am in the Word. Today I'm taking another step forward and praising him in nature. I have no idea what tomorrow or Saturday may bring, but I do have friends with whom I can talk about God so they can keep me focused. I don't have things all planned out because my plans crash and burn so much. But I know that I want to be known as someone who is completely devoted to God and holiness. I want to be someone who loved God openly and obviously, but also as someone who loved life and had fun and goofed off and didnt waste moments where memories could be made. Spending time at Granny's grave today made me realize that. God is setting my spirit free. He's giving me a goal and he's helping me throw off everything that hinders, including TV. I think one wise step I will make is moving into the other spare room at my grandparents house, where there is no TV. I have written so much and don't care how much anyone reads, but this is evidence of me making life changing decisions.
