Struggles and Stress < Hope!

This morning, I learned that I'm going to struggle EVERY morning with forgiving myself. I'm going to struggle ALL throughout EVERY day with denying myself the satisfaction of comfort. That doesn't mean I don't take care of myself, but I have to trust God to provide sleep when I know that what I need to do is spend time with Him and clean the bathroom instead of take a nap. I got a lot of sleep last night, but it was dream-filled. I don't even remember what I dreamed, but I've been dreaming this WHOLE summer. Mr Ron told me it might be because of stress. And I've been getting canker sores a lot of this summer; about 3 of them so far, which isn't normal. So I guess I am under stress.
And I don't like it. I don't like how I'm feeling inside. I hate this battle every day of deciding how I'm going to feel and how I'm going to approach every minute of every day. It's tiring. Satan and God are really fighting over me right now, I know it. Some conservative people would say I'm crazy, but I believe we underestimate the war between the 2 spiritual forces.
I wonder if angels still fall into temptation? They're not always in heaven, God uses them here on earth sometimes. I wonder if Satan and demons trick them into betraying God. Well, I just asked my pastor and he has no idea because the Bible doesn't really speak on that issue at all. But anyways, back to the Spiritual war. My pastor just said this war has a purpose, it's not like they're fighting without reason. They're fighting over us. So it's very logical to believe that they're fighting over me every minutes of every day. I probably do have both a guardian angel and a demon who's trying to trick me.
It's like Screwtape letters. Satan can't be everywhere at once. But he has legions and legions of demons. And God CAN be everywhere at once. And he has placed the Holy Spirit in us, and he probably has placed an angel in charge of keeping me safe until its time. I believe that. So if you look at it that way, God is keeping me 3x times more safe than Satan is trying to get me to fall.
And I'm just speculating here. But the Bible clearly says "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one." (John 10:27-29). And that verse gives me complete hope. Because no matter how hard Satan tries, he CAN'T separate me from the love and provision and hand of God. And he's not trying that hard.
What he IS trying to do is make me ineffective in God's kingdom. He's trying to get me to, if possible, turn others away from entering into God's kingdom. And to be honest, He's probably succeeded. And that's where I come in. I choose to be effective. I choose to be sold out for Christ. I choose to enter into this daily struggle and say "no matter what it takes, I'll follow God." Because I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back. Well, okay, I'll fall. I'll turn around. But I have faith in God to bring me back to Him every time. I promised Him that I would ALWAYS come back to Him. Because I'm His child.
And that promise is possibly gonna take a lot of work on His part. He's gonna have to come looking for me. I'm a stupid sheep who strays at almost anything. And then I'm going to lay down and not move till He comes looking for me. And He will. He always will. I will listen to His voice and I will know that it's Him. And I'll re-surrender, just like my song says.
This blog post started out discouraging and depressing. Because everyday, and multiple times daily, I will struggle will many different sorts of temptations. And I'm under stress and I don't like it. But I started listening to Hill-song right before starting this blog, and I feel encouraged. Because God saved me. I'm gonna be alright. And God's mercies are new every morning. A thousand times I fail, but His mercy remains. So does His forgiveness. So if you're reading this right now, Be encouraged! God won't let you out of His hand. He'll always bring you back :).

Comfort

It has come to my realization that I very much value comfort over almost anything else. I say that I'm going to be sold out for God. I say that I'm going to change my sleeping habits and increase the work I do around the house I live in. However, when it actually comes down to the time I said I would do those things, I decide, for whatever reason I have at the moment, that I'll just revert back to my old ways. And I don't change. I realized as I was headed to work this morning that my comfort shouldn't matter. I'm not trusting God to take care of my needs for sleep and happiness when I take care of my own needs. I need to put work first and helping around the house second. And I need to pay attention to my body, as in allot time for eating and sleeping and be careful with what I eat, because god wants me to take care of my body; that's my responsibility. But as far as doing things because they make me feel better like spending long hours on the computer or not getting up for quiet time in the morning so that I'm late to work even tho I'm the only one there, or not going to bed on time because I'm enjoying talking to people, or not helping around the house because I don't have the energy, or forgetting to do laundry, or anything like that, I'm sick of those decisions that I've been making. I refuse to be useless. God will take care of what I want. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. When I delight myself in the Lord, my priorities change, and God still takes care of me. So I'm going to change. Comfort is now NO LONGER a priority. And with that, I'm off to the hot sun to get the mail.

Pensamientos En Espanol

Voy a escribir en espanol, porque no le he hecho en mucho tiempo. Ahorita estoy en Arkansas, disfrutando el verano y el estudio biblico y el trabajo con los ninos y mucho mas. Ya casi se termina mi tempo aqui, y regreso a la universidad en menos de 2 semanas!
Estaba escuchando para la voz del Senor este manana, y oi estas palabras en mi corazon: Toma mi yugo sobre ti. Alimenta mis ovejas.
No se que hacer con esos instrucciones. No se cuales ovejas. Se que es figurativo; viene directamente de las Escrituras. Pero de todas maneras, no se en que manera el quiere que yo tome su yugo. Cual yugo? El tiene muchos no? Pero sobre todo, se que estas palabras estan confirmando en mi el pensamiento de que estoy en ese ciudad para un razon, y es para ser parte del gran proposito de Dios. No se cual parte; talves es con mi iglesia, o talvez va haber una programa secular con ninos con la cual puedo ayudar. No se el ministerio especifico. Lo unico que se es que Dios quiere usarme en gran manera en la ciudad donde esta mi escuela para estas 2 anos que me faltan. Y yo no creo que me va a usar mucho en la universidad. Creo que el quiere que yo sea usado en otras partes. Talvez me equivoco, y eso esta bien. Pero esos son mis pensamientos ahorita.

Temporary Mess

I was listening to the song called Times, by Tenth Avenue North this afternoon, and I just started bawling my eyes out. Because I realized how lost and confused and hurt and ugly and messy I was. I was in the living room, where my Grannie and Mr. Ron could walk by me at any point, and I still just lost it. So I went upstairs and closed the door and bawled my eyes out for about 30 minutes, while I picked songs I was in the mood to listen to. Mostly it was just that song Times over and over again. But I also listened to Ocean Floor by Audio Adrenaline to try and help me feel better. And then, I realized I just needed to write. So I wrote. And I wrote some more. And I thought, and wrote some more. And what came out was this: a song called Temporary Mess, written by Me, today, July 25, 2010:

Verse 1
When I look in the mirror I see a mess
I’m convinced that others see even less
The good I do is cancelled out
By my sinful nature that seems to shout
She’s no good, and she never will be
So just let her be, go on and leave
You can’t hear my heart cry “don’t go”
Someday the angel inside me will show
Chorus
//Yes I’m a mess. For now an ugly mess
But I can’t stop believing
In the beautiful ending//
Verse 2
When He takes me home, all will be cured
The evil left behind and my heart pured
So wait, just wait. Hold on to the hope
As long as I continue to cope
That I will turn out just fine
He’s holding me, just give me time
I can’t give up, I have to believe
Someday holiness I’ll achieve
Bridge
The mess is only temporary
God is changing me (4x)

I have decided I love this song. And the music I put to it goes really well with it. It's a little more fast paced than I usually write, and I think it was inspired a little by BarlowGirl. Althought I can't make it sound like it was written because I think I need an electric guitar and some drums. And I don't play either instrument.
So that's how I'm feeling. God loves me and forgives me no matter what. I'm still gonna hold out for that beautiful ending, no matter how ugly the mess looks at the moment. Father, thank you for the hope you've given me. Romans 5:1-2. And I think I just found my verses to memorize this week! Yay :)

My thoughts

My confession: I'm writing this in the hope that a certain someone will see, even though He doesn't know I write a blog. Oh well. :P
I'm at a loss at what to do. I just get lonely. And I don't know how to handle myself. But then I remind myself that I'm going to be ok. Because God is holding me. And all that I want to happen will happen in its time. I love Jesus. I'm working on loving him more than anyone else in this whole wide world. I don't think 'm quite there yet because I love myself. And I can't trust Him to find the guy for me. So that's what I'm working on.
I don't have much more to say, so I'll leave one last thought: Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

God's Forgiveness

God forgives us. *silence* Ok, let me try that again. GOD FORGIVES US! *tears or joy and cheers hooray* ok that's much better.

No matter how many times I mess up, or how bad I think I mess up, God forgives. He forgives me! He already forgave me! He put in this place, at this job, knowing everything that was going to transpire. He knew when I was 14 when I made the no kissing commitment believing that it would stop me from committing any other sexual sin that I was going to mess up right here, right now. He knew it. And He still chooses to love me and forgive me and use me and clean me up and help me start over. God puts his treasure in earthen vessels, in jars of clay. Not perfect, beautiful, look-at-this amazing jar. He wants us to look more at the treasure than the jar. And the jar should feel honored that the treasure is in them.

It's like the tale of the three trees. One tree wanted to be fit for a king. Another tree wanted to become a ship fit to sail the seas for a King or a mighty sailor. And the third tree wanted to point to God on the mountain His whole life. Well, all the trees were cut down. The first was made into a manger for hay and for cows to feed from. It said to itself what is this? I wanted to be fit for a king! And then one day, a baby was placed inside it. And this baby was no ordinary Baby. It was Jesus! So the manger held a king! But no one paid attention to the manger, they paid attention to the Baby, and that was quite all right with the manger :). The second tree was made into a small sail boat. It was like what is this? I'm not fit to travel the high seas in this! But then one day a miracle happened. during a huge thunderstorm, one the passengers on the boat commanded the seas to calm down, and they listened. So in the little boat was a man whom even the wind and seas obeyed. And no one paid attention to the boat, merely the man in the boat. And that was perfectly fine with the boat. The third tree didn't want to be cut down. He wanted to stand there and point to God all his life. But one day, he was made into a cross, and was carried up a mountain. The put a man on it, and sign up above the man that said King of the Jews. God was on that cross. And the cross knew. He was pointing to God. no one cared about the cross, only the man on the cross, who rose from the dead 3 days later. And that was perfectly fine with the cross. (I'm paraphrasing the story a lot, and it comes from a kids book.)

My point is, the cross and boat and manger weren't glorified. But they each had a purpose. And they were used for God's glory. They weren't perfect tools. I'm not perfect. I make so many mistakes I can't even look at myself sometimes. But God still chose to use me and He's going to continue to use me. No matter how bad I am, I promised God I would keep coming back to Him. And I do. I keep coming back. God loves me. He sent His son to die for me even though I don't think I was worth it sometimes. Thank heaven God is not a fair God! I deserve hell. I really do. But God in his mercy brought from the dead back to life. I was dead in my transgression, and He gave me life. May the Name of the Lord be praised forever! He changes lives; all creation bows down to Him!

God used my sin for good. I now have experienced firsthand God's unconditional forgiveness. I am having a hard time forgiving myself. The sin I committed feels unbearable. And there are worse sins I could have committed. But God in His divine mercy forgave me. And now, healing begins. And my testimony has just grown stronger.
Right after I told myself I would be sold out for Jesus, I messed up royally. So it proved that I cant' do this on my own. And I can't be sold out without surrendering all of me. And I couldn't surrender without first being broken. So now I'm broken. Completely. And I'm placing the broken pieces of my life in God's hands. And there they'll stay even after He fixes them :)

Stuck

I feel stuck. I haven't discussed this with many people, but I only have part of the summer left here (where I feel like if I moved here God could totally use me among the Hispanic crowd), and then I go back to my college town. God is moving in radical ways at my college, but I don't want to join just to be part of the crowd. There are huge movements of change, but there are also fakers, people who are following the movement of change because it's cool or the right thing to do but they don't know what it means to take up your cross daily. Maybe I'm judging too much. I want to do something different, something no one else is comfortable with. But I can't do it alone. And I can't do it without God's leading. So just pray for me as I try to seek the Lord about how He wants me to serve in this next coming year at my college. And here in Little Rock, all I can do is wake up every day, completely re-surrender to God, and follow His leading at my work and during the rest of the day. He knows that when I see a need that I can meet, I'll meet it.
I was downtown on Saturday walking to meet some friend when I passed this guy, who was drunk. He asked for a light; I don't smoke. Then he asked for a dollar so he could buy chicken wings from this Mexican place. There is no Mexican place down there, but I figured out that he meant the place where all Mexicans work. So I bought him some chicken tenders and told him to stop drinking. And then after I left, I realized I hadn't shared the Gospel, because I had been in a hurry. But I went to meet my friends, who later brought him up in conversation because he had told them something funny. I mentioned I bought him dinner and they all looked at me like I was crazy. Why the heck did u buy him dinner? "I would have just walked off and left him." (in my mind I was like, that's what you did!)
I just feel like even tho I want to live for God and I'm giving myself over to Him, I start to rely on my own strengths and I don't live up to the potential I have. I fasted last week, and it was a success, but it could have been better, there some time I could have spent more wisely. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. But I say I'm sold out for God and then it's like I rely on my own strength while trying to tell myself I'm relying on God and trying to pray God help me. So that brings me to the "stuck" feeling.


Where do I go from here?

Radical

I've just finished reading Crazy Love. I discovered that Chapter 8 is pretty much the most life-changing chapter in there. So I'm making changes in my life.
I don't want to be a lukewarm, complacent Christian. I gave my life to Christ a long time ago, and since then, I've really tried to be completely surrendered to Him. But the main thing I've found is that I really can't do it on my strength. That's why God gave us the Holy Spirit. So, with the Holy Spirit's power in me, I want to be SOLD OUT for Christ; obsessed with Jesus.
I'm praying about where God's leading me in the future, because I don't know. But after reading Crazy Love, I realize that to really make the statement "it's not about me" true, I have to give myself to loving God and loving others in tangible ways. Reading chapter 9 with all those examples was an eye opener. And someday, I'm going to be God's missionary, either in the US or outside of it (hopefully outside of it because I've felt to international missions since I was 12), ministering to the needy. Key word: needy. Probably involving children, and education or something, I don't know yet. But I'm asking myself what can I do NOW, like this summer and this coming school year, for God? I'm in Little Rock doing an internship with Otter Creek 1st Baptist doing their children's program for the summer. It's going slowly because they didn't have one before I came along, and I'm completely new at this. And I feel like God wants me to put all my energy into that because I think I can be doing more for it and for this church. But I keep feeling like there's something else I need to be doing, other people I need to reach out to that no one else will. I keep thinking about both downtown Little Rock and the Hispanic community that live in trailer parks right up the road, but there are 2 hindrances: 1) I'm a girl, and I'm not yet 21, so I can't go witness where there's alcohol, and I'm probably not a strong enough Christian for those places. And 2) I don't know how to just go into that Hispanic community; technically I can't because there's no loitering or soliciting allowed. But I speak Spanish and I have a gift with children, which there are tons of over there, and they're really on my heart since I found out that community existed. But I'm stuck; I don't know what to do.
I also have no idea what God wants from me when I go back to college, where I'm with student my age at a Christian University who may or may not be sold out for God, but most appear that way on the outside. And then right across the street in Henderson State University, and much of that population is lost. And I want to reach those wouldn't be reached otherwise, but I don't want to fall into temptation either. My peers are also very judgmental, and any "questionable" activity I do WILL BE talked about. And I really have to concentrate on graduating excelling in school to keep my scholarships.
I also believe it's time for me to start sponsoring a child from overseas, so I'm looking into that. I have no idea where or through which organization but I do know that I don't want to do it through Compassion because not all of their money goes directly to the child.
So now, I'm praying and I don't know where to go next. But that's ok.

He's Pursuing Me

He's Pursuing Me.

My Savior is intimately pursuing a relationship with me. He didn't just say, "ok. you're safe." and walk off. No. Wouldn't you be mad if that happened? Wouldn't you say "Wait! Come back! My prince charming and I are supposed to live happily ever after! Wasn't there a reason you chose me and saved me?" It reminds me of Shrek. He rescues her and is going to take her to another prince, who wants to live happily ever after with her but didn't want to do the work to rescue her because he wanted to become king and not do anything to jeopardize that. If I were Fiona I'd be like "TAKE ME BACK TO IMPRISONMENT!" Which I think is what she wanted. At one point she decided she wasn't going. So Shrek forced her by picking her up. But anyways I'm sidetracking.

That's not what Jesus did. In Isaiah ch 40, God is speaking to his people Israel, whom he saved from Egypt and has been with them ever since. However, they've turned away multiple times. Wouldn't you hate to have Israel as the princess whom you were rescuing? "Oh you saved me! THANK YOU! Now go away we have our own stuff to do for a while. We'll call you when we need you again." But God is still FOREVER FAITHFUL to them. He's the perfect prince. He says to them while they're in captivity, (Isaiah 41:8-10)

8But you, Israel, my servant,
Jacob, whom I have chosen,
the offspring of Abraham, my friend;
9you whom I took from the ends of the earth,
and called from its farthest corners,
saying to you, "You are my servant,
I have chosen you and not cast you off";
10fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I found this set of verses when I was an adolescent, around 12 or 13 or 14; I can't remember. But I do remember how they made me feel. I wrote a song about them. "I have chosen you and have not rejected you" was the main line of my song. That really captivated me. At that age I was experiencing a lot of rejection from my peers. Part of it was my fault, but they still weren't giving me chance; they were only finding fault with me. And I saw them mess up but they still loved each other. It wasn't fair. Today, I feel rejected more from guys my age. But part of it is still my fault, because I'm mostly immature and not ready for a relationship. But the fact that God chose me, and hes NOT rejected me, still means something to me. He is my rescuer.

Right now, I'm being a lot like Israel. Somedays I say, "oh by the way God, thanks for saving me. I'm gonna go do my own thing today and I'll see you later." But I read a story about this woman who spend a significant amount of time in her morning with God, kneeling at a corner of her bed. Later on that day, she would glance over at that corner, remind herself that she gets to spend the next morning with God, and gain joy from that knowledge. It's like me when I know my boyfriend is going to call the next day and when I remember, I get really excited. Who cares if I'm ditching homework or something else important? I get to talk to my man! And that's how she felt about God. That's where I want to be.

I've been reading Crazy Love. That's where I got that about story. But one of the things Francis Chan said is that we can't force ourselves to fall in love with Christ. We have to allow His Spirit to come in us and fill us with His love. We fall in love with Him using the love He first gave us. I don't know specifically how it works but I do know that it works. His love is as powerful as He is. So when we have that power in us, there's nothing we can't love. And THAT right there brings me joy :D.

It's time for me to close this blog post. But know this: no matter many times I decide to do my own thing, I will always return to my Savior, and be filled with His love so I can fall in love with Him.