Where do I go from here?

Ok God
you know my thoughts.
I don't really know what I'm doing.
My parents want to move, with your blessing.
So where does that leave me? I need to think about the future but without giving up the present. And the present - quiet time with you. What are you waiting for me to discover about yourself?
It's almost noon; I kinda wasted the morning. I need to spend time with you and then concentrate on helping mom.
God, I don't know where you're leading me, both now and in the future. I kind of see myself applying to teach both in Northwest Arkansas and Tennessee. But I'm not really sure. I guess it's totally up to you. So how do you want me to develop my relationship with you while I'm here with my family? And what discipline habits are the most necessary? I need to figure out how to take care of myself before I move on in life. Self denial. I guess that's what I'm hearing from You. Ok God.
I'll do my best.
I love you.

I'm listening.

YOU are my direction.

I give it all cuz I'm drawn to you.
As long as my heart is beating.
Where you lead me I will follow.
Forever and a day.
I can't deny Your very presence is my life
And why would I ever turn away.
Cause deep inside I know that I cannot rely
On anything less than faith.
This is all I'm dreaming of
To live completely in your love.

Lost

Joy: "God, Satan's winning. The forces inside me are fighting at different strengths at different times, and it's never gonna end, but I don't have enough determination. I'm far from you. And I just, I'm spent."
God: "Oh my darling, don't you remember? If I am for you, who can be against you?"
Joy: "But God, my flesh is weak, and my spirit is less willing than it used to be."
God: "My grace is sufficient for you; my power is made perfect in your weakness."
Joy: "God, I have no self-control. I'm not walking in the Spirit, and I don't know how to start up again."
God: "My dear, you were faithful in the small things yesterday. You do just enough. She who is faithful in the little is faithful also in much."
Joy: "But God, I'm also unfaithful in the little, and I will be unfaithful in the much."
(Long pause.)
This is where I am. There are so many truths in the word that point to living for Jesus. But my motivation, my desire, my determination, all of it has all but disappeared. The only thing keeping me alive is knowing I can't give up. I'm truly hanging on by a thread. If I gave up, I would no longer have a goal: to teach children to love Jesus. I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know how to talk to God anymore. I don't know how to approach him. I don't have self-control in any area: get-ready, money, school work; if I don't want to do something, chances are I won't. And I don't know how to change.

God, I'm crying out to you. Hold me, bring me peace, give me a revelation.I have no idea what to do or where to go or how to come back to you. You have to do the work because I'm lost. Completely. And I'm not sure if I want my parents to know. And I have no idea how to get back into your arms. Daughter, you never left them. I've always held you. ok God, hold me. Direct my paths. I can't trust in my own understanding because I have no idea what to do or where to go. If I asked you to help me lay down my pride, well, ok, because I have no reason to have any anymore. Help me be willing to lay it down. Just hold me.

Alive, Well, and Home!

I'm home. No, correction: I'm HOME. REALLY. HOME. :) So happy to be here with my family! I love this place; I love this city. I love my family, I love my new computer. I love sleep, which is where I'm headed. I'm looking forward to being here with them for a while. But to survive, I need patience, humility, and a servant's heart. Then I'll be good to go as far as making sure I promote unity among my family. So with that in mind, I'll write more later, but I'm pooped. Goodnight, people who are just now starting Christmas day :).

How am I gonna go?

I just watched this movie entitled "Remember Me." It was about this kid whose brother died, and stuff happens in his life, blah blah blah, and he DIES. It's set in summer 2001. And dies in the twin towers crash waiting on his brother. So anyway, I'm sitting here with my friend, and I'm using her computer because mine stopped working. I haven't written a blog in forever and so I think I'm missing a lot of stuff that I should have written about this semester. I didn't document this semester very well. Maybe cuz it SUCKED. I made a lot of stupid choice. I chose pleasure, which turned into misery because I got nothing done so I would stress out a lot. I've really got to stop writing because my friend is literally sitting next to me, and I think I don't really want her to read this. But anyways, So I was watching this movie, and it made me start to think about my life. How do I want to be remembered? I want people to change their lifestyle because of me. For better. And I don't think anyone would at this point. I'm not that influential. But I am very selfish. And prideful. And far from God right now. I haven't sincerely talked to him since, well, I don't really know when. That's not technically a good thing. But yeah. I realized that I'm not guaranteed tomorrow. Which would SUCK SO BAD because I NEED TO GO HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! I NEED TO SEE MY FAMILY!!! If I die before I get to see my family, I'm really going to be pissed at God. Not even kidding.
So anyway, I better get off this. But yeah, life is miserable right now. I've never been miserable like this. ever. I'm lost. like that kid from the movie. I'm lost. And I don't know how to find way. I'm stuck. God, I can't choose right. I've tried. But I can't. So if I'm gonna be saved, you're gonna have to supernaturally come in and make me selfless cuz I can't do it. I really can't.