Where do I go from here?

Ok God
you know my thoughts.
I don't really know what I'm doing.
My parents want to move, with your blessing.
So where does that leave me? I need to think about the future but without giving up the present. And the present - quiet time with you. What are you waiting for me to discover about yourself?
It's almost noon; I kinda wasted the morning. I need to spend time with you and then concentrate on helping mom.
God, I don't know where you're leading me, both now and in the future. I kind of see myself applying to teach both in Northwest Arkansas and Tennessee. But I'm not really sure. I guess it's totally up to you. So how do you want me to develop my relationship with you while I'm here with my family? And what discipline habits are the most necessary? I need to figure out how to take care of myself before I move on in life. Self denial. I guess that's what I'm hearing from You. Ok God.
I'll do my best.
I love you.

I'm listening.

YOU are my direction.

I give it all cuz I'm drawn to you.
As long as my heart is beating.
Where you lead me I will follow.
Forever and a day.
I can't deny Your very presence is my life
And why would I ever turn away.
Cause deep inside I know that I cannot rely
On anything less than faith.
This is all I'm dreaming of
To live completely in your love.

Lost

Joy: "God, Satan's winning. The forces inside me are fighting at different strengths at different times, and it's never gonna end, but I don't have enough determination. I'm far from you. And I just, I'm spent."
God: "Oh my darling, don't you remember? If I am for you, who can be against you?"
Joy: "But God, my flesh is weak, and my spirit is less willing than it used to be."
God: "My grace is sufficient for you; my power is made perfect in your weakness."
Joy: "God, I have no self-control. I'm not walking in the Spirit, and I don't know how to start up again."
God: "My dear, you were faithful in the small things yesterday. You do just enough. She who is faithful in the little is faithful also in much."
Joy: "But God, I'm also unfaithful in the little, and I will be unfaithful in the much."
(Long pause.)
This is where I am. There are so many truths in the word that point to living for Jesus. But my motivation, my desire, my determination, all of it has all but disappeared. The only thing keeping me alive is knowing I can't give up. I'm truly hanging on by a thread. If I gave up, I would no longer have a goal: to teach children to love Jesus. I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know how to talk to God anymore. I don't know how to approach him. I don't have self-control in any area: get-ready, money, school work; if I don't want to do something, chances are I won't. And I don't know how to change.

God, I'm crying out to you. Hold me, bring me peace, give me a revelation.I have no idea what to do or where to go or how to come back to you. You have to do the work because I'm lost. Completely. And I'm not sure if I want my parents to know. And I have no idea how to get back into your arms. Daughter, you never left them. I've always held you. ok God, hold me. Direct my paths. I can't trust in my own understanding because I have no idea what to do or where to go. If I asked you to help me lay down my pride, well, ok, because I have no reason to have any anymore. Help me be willing to lay it down. Just hold me.

Alive, Well, and Home!

I'm home. No, correction: I'm HOME. REALLY. HOME. :) So happy to be here with my family! I love this place; I love this city. I love my family, I love my new computer. I love sleep, which is where I'm headed. I'm looking forward to being here with them for a while. But to survive, I need patience, humility, and a servant's heart. Then I'll be good to go as far as making sure I promote unity among my family. So with that in mind, I'll write more later, but I'm pooped. Goodnight, people who are just now starting Christmas day :).

How am I gonna go?

I just watched this movie entitled "Remember Me." It was about this kid whose brother died, and stuff happens in his life, blah blah blah, and he DIES. It's set in summer 2001. And dies in the twin towers crash waiting on his brother. So anyway, I'm sitting here with my friend, and I'm using her computer because mine stopped working. I haven't written a blog in forever and so I think I'm missing a lot of stuff that I should have written about this semester. I didn't document this semester very well. Maybe cuz it SUCKED. I made a lot of stupid choice. I chose pleasure, which turned into misery because I got nothing done so I would stress out a lot. I've really got to stop writing because my friend is literally sitting next to me, and I think I don't really want her to read this. But anyways, So I was watching this movie, and it made me start to think about my life. How do I want to be remembered? I want people to change their lifestyle because of me. For better. And I don't think anyone would at this point. I'm not that influential. But I am very selfish. And prideful. And far from God right now. I haven't sincerely talked to him since, well, I don't really know when. That's not technically a good thing. But yeah. I realized that I'm not guaranteed tomorrow. Which would SUCK SO BAD because I NEED TO GO HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! I NEED TO SEE MY FAMILY!!! If I die before I get to see my family, I'm really going to be pissed at God. Not even kidding.
So anyway, I better get off this. But yeah, life is miserable right now. I've never been miserable like this. ever. I'm lost. like that kid from the movie. I'm lost. And I don't know how to find way. I'm stuck. God, I can't choose right. I've tried. But I can't. So if I'm gonna be saved, you're gonna have to supernaturally come in and make me selfless cuz I can't do it. I really can't.

Corazon Roto, Quebrado, y en Pedazos

Estoy en el business lab en mi colegio, olvidandome de la tarea que todavia tengo que ya es tarde. Estoy pensando en el chavo que rompio mi corazon de nuevo. Creo que este es la quarta ves que el mismo cabron lo ha roto. Esta cancion lo dice perfectamente, porque fue aquel noviembre cuando rompio mi corazon la primera vez:
La tarde se aleja,
el cielo esta gris
la noche aparece sin ti,
callado en la playa
te lloro en silencio otra vez
Me ahoga esta pena
no puedo vivir
las olas no me hablan de ti
sentado en la arena
escribo tu nombre otra vez

Por que te extrano
desde aquel Noviembre
cuando sonamos juntos
a querernos siempre
me duele, este frio Noviembre
cuando las ojas cain
a morir por siempre..

Noviembre sin ti
es sentir que la lluvia
me dice llorando que todo acabo
Noviembre sin ti
es pedirle a la luna
que brille en la noche de mi corazon
otra vezz.. otra vez..

Quisiera decirte
que quiero volver
tu nombre va escrito en mi piel
ya es de madrugada
te sigo esperando otra vez

por que te extrano
desde aquel Noviembre
cuando sonamos juntos
a querernos siempre
me duele, este frio Noviembre
cuando las ojas cain
a morir por siempre...

Noviembre sin ti
es sentir que la lluvia
me dice llorando que todo acabo
Noviembre sin ti
es pedirle a la luna
que brille en la noche de mi corazon
otra vezz.. otra vez..

Necesito hacer mi tarea. Pero lo que pasa es que todos mis pensamientos estan contigo aunque ya no piensas en mi y ya no tienes los mismos sentimientos para mi. Yo pensaba y me dajabas pensar que me querias asi, pero no. Y por eso hay un gran hueco en mi corazon donde tu quedabas. Ya te fuiste y me dejaste con un corazon en pedazos. Yo no se si voy a poder poner todos los pedazos junto de nuevo. Voy a intentarlo. Y voy a intentar a olvidarme de ti. Gracias por los lecciones que me diste. Que tengas buena vida. Adios.

Y tengo un cancion para ti

Someday I'll understand
Someday I'll be able to explain it
Someday I'll be ok
But right now, I'm still pickin up the pieces

You led me on because
I put myself on your string
And I held on for dear life
So now I say

Thank you for your scissors
Thank you for cutting me off
Thank you for letting me go
It hurts like hell but I know
It was the best thing for us
So thank you for your scissors

I held on to the hope
That we would be together forever
I didn't see that you
Didn't love me the way I loved you

You led me on because
I put myself on your string
And I held on for dear life
So now I say

Thank you for your scissors
Thank you for cutting me off
Thank you for letting me go
It hurts like hell but I know
It was the best thing for us
So thank you for your scissors

Now I all I need is some glue
To put my heart back together again
Now all I need is some glue
The put my heart back together again

Te Perdi

A Mi Amor (No sabes quien eres)
Todavia te amo. Nunca supiste que te amaba, porque no te dije, y creo que talvez nunca te lo voy a decir, pero es verdad. Te amo. Con todo mi corazon.
Te amo sin miedo
Te amo cobarde
Te amo sin tiempo
Te amo aunque arde y lo sé
Te perdere

Te amo dormida
Te amo en silencio
Te amo mi vida
Te amo
Lo siento no hay nada
Que yo pueda hacer
En cuanto cruces la puerta
Te voy a perder

Te perdi. Pero te amo de todas maneras. Y creo que siempre te voy a amar. Siempre vas a ser mi primer amor. Mis movios anteriores no valen. Tu eres el unico que ame, y el unico quien quebro mi corazon. Talvez creo que eres el unico que lo puede conectar de nuevo, pero eso todavia vamos a ver un dia.
Te amo. Te amo. Te amo.

Pecado

Soy pecadora. Siempre, cada dia, voy a pecar. Voy a desobedecerle a Dios, a mi Padre, quien me ama mas que todo menos su hijo. Pero pecar esta en mi cuerpo, y va a quedar alli hasta que muera y vaya a vivir con Cristo. No se cuando va a pasar eso. No se cuantos mas pecados voy a comitir. Pero lo que se con todo mi corazon es que Dios liberamente me da su perdon. LIBERAMENTE. Y cuando yo acepto lo que mi Padre me ofrece, eso me libera. ME LIBERA! Imediatamente! Necesito saber y reconocer que mis pecados no me definan. Para nada! Yo soy hija de Dios, y eso siempre voy a ser. El murio para todos, incluyendo a mi. Su sangre quito a todos los pecados, incluyendo los mios. El todavia me puede usar aunque fui tan sucia. Soy limpia, y mis pecados se los perdono y olvido mi papa. Dios me puede usar, y puedo ser amabasador de su reino. Mis pecados son de un genero sexual, pero ya no quiero ser esclavisado a ellos. Gracias Senor, Gracias Papito, Gracias Jesus. Soy libre! Para siempre!

He LOVES ME!

Last week truly was AMAZING! God really showed me that He loved me. He didn't give me more than I could handle and He knew He needed to show me He was still on my side. And He did! By letting me go home for Christmas, giving me some great Chi Rho girls, and great friends in Little Rock. now I have to learn what he wants from me. And I think it is an intimate relationship with him. The problem is I have such a hard time setting aside time for him.
So, I'm trying to decide what happened this weekend was, was it a gift or a test?
It's so hard to decide!
Basically my friends Ron and Kim were discussing who would be perfect for me. Apparently there is such a guy and his name is Timmy. So when Ron saw Timmy on Sunday she blurted out that I would be perfect for him, and he got all excited. He facebooked me (I didn't know this) and was like, ok when is she coming to little rock? Well, Ron called me and told me all this, and I was like oh my gosh! I'll be there this weekend!
Well, I called my mom and she was like, Joy, please just wait. Let guys pursue you. You know you don't need a relationship now, especially after what you've been through lately. And my brother said basically the same thing. They are so wise!
So I talked to Ron about it and was like, we would meet Timmy sunday night. I was like well I can't cuz I have to be back for projects and stuff. So we decided I would go. Well, Timmy found out he wouldn't see me on Sunday and he told Ron he was trying to get a group together and stuff, and Ron was like, well you can come to my house. I kind of freaked, so Ron and I prayed about it. He was coming in the apartment, and Austin and I were singing we are hungry. The 4 of us just hung out and talked for a while. Any time Timmy and I had a conversation by ourselves, like every once in a while, it was pretty serious. then we all wanted to go to bed. But Timmy wasn't tired. So I stayed up with him on the couch while Austin and Ron went into the other room and talked. We had serious conversations about God, life, and everything else under the sun. We discovered that we really do have a lot in common. And he confessed that he really wanted to meet me and stuff. So to make a long story short, we stayed up talking till 5 am. After he told me he was interested, he kind of made his way over to me, and he asked if he could hold my hand and we did. His hands felt so great. We prayed together, and finally went to bed after a pillow fight and a tickle fight. He's cool with my no-kissing thing, which is great. I care about him but I'm afraid he wants me to meet his need for a relationship. I don't want me to be that. I want to be a blessing from God to His life, what He needs, not what He wants. So we really need to take things slow. So I guess that's where I am at. I like him but I need to quit talking and thinking about him. Jesus is truly amazing!
God gave me an accountability partner tonight: Val! It was totally unexpected, but it's what we need! YAY! I'm too tired to write more but God really does love me. He shows it so much. He will always be my father and my lover and will always take me back. Thank you, Father! <3

Coming Back

Things I've realized lately:
I'm human. On my own, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. ANYTHING, and I DO mean ANYTHING that I do right, is because God's grace has enabled me to glorify Him through right actions.
I'm a daughter of hte King. He really does love me. Even though I'll let Him down more times than I can count, He's still willing to come into my filing cabinet and right His name on all of my F graded papers and failed projects. My sins, my mistakes, my wrong decisions, were all paid for. There is nothing stopping His forgiveness from reaching my soul except myself.
Things are cloudy in my head. I don't know how I feel about myself, God, my future, marriage, my feelings, pretty much anything anymore. But God brigns clarity if I just obey Him. I'm still human. I can still make decisions. But they have to have the right motives. And my motive for gettign a tattoo is to help remind me and those who see that my passion is His renown no matter how far away I stray. My motive for going to parties to befriend those people. I need God JSUT AS MUCH AS THEY DO. I need AS MUCH FORGIVENESS as they need. NOTHING in my life makes me a better person. I'm not a better person than ANYONE, no matter how badly anyone behaves. I'm merely forgiven. And I have a purpose the right actions I do. My right actions don't save me. They merely demonstrate where my heart lies. And I want these friends I'll be making to see that I'm not afraid of them. I'm not ashamed of my lack of fear. They need to see an example of what happens when God forgives someone. Yes I need a guy to come with me for my own protection. But that only means I value myself. Just because God loves these people doesn't mean I have to trust them. They're showing me their desires. It's my responsibilty to demonstrate that I can't meet those desires.
I want to come back to God. I'm that dirty princess for my old storybook, who left hte palace. Tried to be like those other kids. Got dirty. But when the King passed by, I still recognized that He's my Father. I can't throw things at Him. I can, but He's still my Father. So I have to go to the front door and allow Him to open it and let me back into His arms and let Him clean up my bruises.
Jesus, thank you for your grace. I don't know where I'd be without it, I need it so badly. Father, thank you for your love. That's all I can say is Thank you. And I'm sorry. Spirit, thank you for allowing me to talk to Jesus and God even when I'm unclean and you guys can't tolerate sin. Thank you for being my mediator and conscience. Thank you God for not giving up on me. I'm coming back, just like I promised. I'm still me. I still make my own decisions. But I'm YOUR CHILD. And my passion is your renown. Other Christians' view of me doesn't matter. I dont' want to cause them to stumble but one tattoo, and parties where I don't drink or smoke or dance, I don't think will do that. God, I WANT to care about my brothers and sisters, but I wasn't sent for them. My life is not lived for them. My purpose is to share Jesus with the broken. The broken are not the ones at Refuge. I mean yeah sort of. But the broken are in the underbelly of my school. And I have no judgment. Yes I'm easily influenced. But I know where I stand ultimately. I'm still confused. But I want to try. If you say no, go somewhere else, then fine, I'll go somewhere else. But I need to try. Because I LOVE these people.
I guess that's it for now. Thanks again for not giving up on me. I love you. And I've missed you, Jesus.

Utterly Hopeless

The mistakes I made this summer, cybering and stuff, just pushed me over the edge. I dont think I realized it, but I stopped loving myself. I never truly forgave myself. I remember driving one day, after having read a part of a book that talked about how God wanted to fall in love with me. I told ymself I was content with the father-child relationship I have with God.
And since then, yeah, I've read my bible a few times, and I read my utmost for his highest devotional book almost everyday, but when I got back to college I felt like i dont belong. I have this overwhelming sense of loneliness. So I got back on wire. and I cybered a little more becasue my friends pushed me. I haven't talked to him since and I'm not cybering anymore, but the only thing keeping me on the right track is my education. Honestly that's the only thing I'm caring about right now, because I want to influence kids and make a difference in their lives. And I need to get good grades to keep my scholarships. And I love being in the Honors Program.
But besides my education and my classses, everything else is suffering. I'm not even going to God. I dont think I talked to him all day, and that NEVER EVER happens. talking to him is just part of my day. Today I think I said a sentence to him maybe once, but I dont remember. I saw my unversity counselor today and even He is concerned. The last time I met with him, back in April, I was fine I just needed to meet and get some things off my chest, like the fact that I struggle with loneliness.
He asked me today if I was angry at God and I started crying. I never cry like that in front of people! ever! But yes, I am angry at God. He won't let me go home this Christmas. all of the plans I have made lately are foiled somehow someway. and I have this strong desire to smoke pot.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm in utter despair and I don't want to reach for the way that I knows leads up and out. Like, I WON'T reach for it. But I know there's no other way out. but I don't want to surrender. but I don't want to end up in jail or pregnant with no money or future or husband. So I don't know what to do. At all. Yes I do. But I can't right now. I don't know why but I can't. I'm out of hope. Completely.

Finding My Place

Well I'm back at school. Have been for about 24 hours. And I'mm feeling confused. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know what my place/role is here yet. Yeah some of my friends care about me..u they really don't care. I look around and I see lots of people getting together and calling each other. My friends are calling me out of obligation. I'm in XPФ, and my sisters are wonderful, but they're only my friends because they have to be. And none of the education majors like me much. And the international clubbers are great, but I feel distant from them. My roommate is so sweet, and she's buddhist. One of my best friends ever is an agnostic, and she doesn't even go to this school. My FAMILY is in FREAKING THAILAND! I feel SO DISPlACED!
Maybe it's the Devil trying to render me useless for the Kingdom. So I know that I need to find my worth, identity and palce in God as His child. Just typing that brings a sense of peace into my heart. I have a place of belonging. It's in the Kingdom of God, as His child, in His arms. Ahhh, peace restored.
These people need to be shown the true love of Jesus, either through me or through their friends. His love and renown beign spread is what matters. Yes, I matter. I'm trying to figure that out. I sometimes wish God hadn't given me desires. Because my fleshly ones get in the way and I don't understand why I matter as person if His glory is what matters most. Why did God create me with needs? I just wish my needs went away and all I needed was assurance that He loved me so that I could be COMPLETELY devoted to His will.
But that's not how it works. Instead I'm stuck with the distractions of boys, school, family, and whatever else. Ugh I hate this balancing act. But that peace is still there. I matter. And God can still be glorified through my failures and needs and distractions and weaknesses. That's what my latest song is about :)

Dear ___

Dear ___
Our relationship/friendship is not all about you. All we do is talk about who and what you want to talk about. I let you talk because I want to be there for you and I want to support you in this healing process. And then you leave. You say you have to go. When you figure out I'm done listening or when you've decided you've talked enough about your problems you don't stay around to listen to mine. And you compare my problems to yours when you finally DO listen. And it's not fair! I'm not going to leave you because I just can't do that. I will continue to talk to you when you want and I will continue to be your friend and I won't even show this to you. But I'm upset! And I can't even tell you I'm upset! Because I hint at why I'm upset and you blow it off; you ignore it because you don't want to hear it. And since I only hint at it, you decide you it's totally okay to ignore it! Thanks a LOT!
And I hate how you think you have this huge grasp on what it means to be a Christian but you're so concerned about yourself and meeting your needs that you twist God and the Bible aruond to fit what you desire Him to be! I can't really complain because I do that too in my own way but still, seeing that it in you is aggravating, especially since I can't point it out.
So yeah those are my thoughts. And I hope and pray that one day you'll grow up. And you'll see the error of your ways.

Who do you think of First?

When you get extra money, you start thinking about what you will do with it. Who does that money eventually benefit? You or others?
When you discover extra time on your hands, what do you do with it? Who gets the benefit?
Who do you hang out with? Why?

These are questions I'm in the midst of asking myself. Because I realized that my time and money has gone to only myself this summer. I told God and myself that I would be sold out for Him. Did I follow through with that? Ashamedly, no. I failed. I called Mom and Dad yesterday morning, and I was on the verge of crying. I disappointed God! I let myself think of me first. At first I felt guilty about it and told myself, dear you need to wake up earlier and have your quiet time! But I just found excuses why not to, and kept waking up at the last possible minute. I have done that all my life. Why can't I change??!! The spirit it willing but the flesh is weak.
But I desire to change. The Bible says Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Seek ye first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you as well. So encouragement to myself: CHANGE IS COMING.

God has also been telling me something this summer: Feed my lambs. And those lambs are Cash and Jackson, too bored boys looking for things to do right beforeschool starts. Even though they are annyoing and they have come to my house to hang out with me when I'm napping and busy, they need the guidance that I can give them. God was telling me this and I wasn't listening. Well, I'm listening now God!

The Finishing Touch

So much has happened since I last blogged! I went up to see Beauty and the Beast this past weekend, a 3 hr drive away. I had lunch right before the trip with Mrs Kathy, and she encouraged me to pray for the willingness to do the right thing as far as seeing or not seeing my ex. She told me her story about how she got together with her husband, and told me some of her philosophies. It's a funny story about how she and her husband met: she was heading up a picnic, and there were no diet cokes, and she was complaining. Randy said, do you want me to run to Sam's and get you a Diet Coke? She replied, if you do that, I will love you for the rest of my life. And long story short, that's what happened! Hehe!
So Veronica and I are on our way when she realizes there's no free-on in her air condition. She calls her Dad and we stop but to no avail, nothing can be done. We are about to get on the interstate anyway when the engine smokes and stalls. Some nice guys help us push it to the nearest gas station, as help us cool down her engine. Apparently what had happened was when her Dad got the oil changed, the guys who checked the other fluids hadn't tightened the cap on the water container and it had all spilled out causing the engine to overheat. Be glad you weren't there, we were kind of freaking out.
So her parents finally showed up with the van, and we left at 4. We were supposed to get there are 5:30, and we barely got there before 7, the time the show was supposed to start. What a beginning to our road trip!
Beauty and the Beats was amazing. The set was so well put together, the actors and actresses did a wonderful job; I was caught up in the whole story, as usual. So Veronica and Kim and I went to Kim's apartment where we hung out till I crashed on the couch. I was EXHAUSTED.
I woke up the next day to Ron and Kim getting ready. I called Thomas, my ex, to see when we were going to meet. At first he had wanted to meet a 8 or so because he had already called a friend earlier to cover for him at work so he could watch Beauty and the Beast. Well he wasn't going to watch it, and I was NOT going to see him at night. I have a hard enough time keeping my emotions in check in the day time. So we met at the mall at 2, after me having had lunch at this Brazilian steakhouse and having been to 2 outdoor stores with Ron and Kim. When I got to the mall, we started walking to the bathroom. I got a text that said I'm here. And I looked up, and there he was, about 30 feet from me.
He didn't see me wave, which was great because I still had to pee and I was inwardly freaking out because I WASN'T READY! So we bypassed him and went quickly to the bathroom, and my friends were like, are you ok? No, not really, I'm freaking out! I'm about to see my x, and I haven't seen him since 3 days before we took that break in November...!!! So they go their separate ways because they didn't really want to meet him, and I call him and tell him I'm there. We meet and he doesn't recognize me till I'm like 5 feet in front of him; I'd already spotted him, and he was confused at why this girl (me) was walking towards him. Ugh, men!
So we talked while he ate lunch, mind you he got Chinese food, the same place we ate when I had first gone up to see him April of last year. And he got me a fortune cookie, something about friends bringing new blessings into your life... Almost all the way through his meal he says, "Oh by the way I brought your bear back." My what? Yes. My teddy bear. Thing I loved and cherished for 3 years before I let him take it with him after he had visited me in September. When I came up to see him in October and November I had let him keep it, not knowing he would break up with me. So when he told me this I said, "Oh cool." Inwardly My heart was saying "NO!!!! WHY WHY WHY???!!!"
So we finished visiting, it was obvious there was no spark of anything between us anymore. I still cared for him and he stills cared for me, but not romantically. He never hugged me; barely touched me. We walked around the mall, and saw my friend briefly on the way out to his car to get my bear. He gave me the bear, shook my hand with some weird handshake, and got in his car.
I didn't even wait for him to get in; I walked back towards the mall, putting my bear inside my purse, and trying not to cry. My heart was breaking the rest of the way. It was a small piece, but it had been barely hanging out ,and now it was completely torn off. And I was hurting. I hurt for a few hours. I met up with my friends and they asked how it went. I said it went well. They asked if I was ok. I said NO. I would be better had he not given me my bear back. I walked around hurting after that. Didn't say much for the rest of the afternoon. But then we made spaghetti carbonara, and that helped to distract me. The pain was subsiding. Once we turned on No Reservations, I was ok. I realized it. I was truly going to be fine. It was time to move on. Thing relationship with Thomas was over, and any hope of something in the future was gone. And I would be ok. Someday in the far future, God will provide me with someone else.
I called my mom and she said, that worries me because what's going to stop you from enjoying the pursuits of or pursuing other guys? Well Mom, I said, School and my relationship with God are what I need to be concentrating on. I'm taking 19 hours, and I'm falling in love with Jesus. I'm possibly in over my head. No room for boys at this point. I'll be ok without them. She seemed satisfied. Now I'm back in the real world. My internship has just finished, and I have 2 weeks left in this town and then it's back to college! I have so many thoughts about life, marriage, relationship, and college going through my head, but this blog post is ready to be finished. :)

John 9 and my response

We read John 9 in Sunday School. We talked about The miracle of the Man who was born blind. Basically Jesus spit into mud, put it on his eyes, told him to wash it off the pool of Siloam. When the man came back, he could see. The neighbors saw a novelty. They couldn't believe the miracle had really happened because it was too...miraculous. Then the pharisees couldn't get past the technicality of Jesus working on the Sabbath. The parents of the boy couldn't get past the fact that if they took the boy's side, they would be expelled form the temple, where the food market was. So the miracle became a social difficulty to them. Then the pastor asked us which one we were? Well, I asked for an example. And he told this story of a homeless ministry. one day a homeless woman came to Christ. the church that was sponsoring them was like, well that's great and all, but we really don't want her to join our church because our financial situation won't increase. And the pastor said that kind of stuff happens ALL the time. I was APPALLED. Shocked. My mouth hung open for minutes. Churches and believers turn away the working of God to instead focus inwardly???!!! God's kingdom and the expansion of it, aka people coming to Christ, should be our priority!!!! And this confirmed in me the desire to go where no one else is willing to go. Because so MANY are unwilling. The harvest in plentiful but the workers are few. So basically, I'm in an ongoing conversation with God. I don't know where He wants me or how He wants to use me. But I'm willing to do ANYTHING. Really. Because my passion is His renown. And it's a lonely road. But that's ok. So I'll do anything. I'll go anywhere. I'll go next door.
Satan is trying to trip me up. He'll use any good he can for the worse. So I'm obeying the phrase "Be on your guard." Because He'll attack me in ways I don't expect. He's very cunning. And he has legions of demons working for him. But I won't give up. Because my God has overcome the world!
My options at this point
-find a way to reach hispanic communities in my town and my college town
-transfer to jackson, MS and be an intern with wewillgo ministries
-sponsor a woman from congo and/or an orphan
pour myself into the lives of the children and non-believers i see and come in contact with daily

I'm still looking for God's leading!

Rachel vs Leah

I have come to the conclusion that I was not meant to be Leah.

I was meant to be Rachel.

the problem is, I'm considered by many men (subconsciously) as a Leah. I have fairer skin, not very pronounced features, and I am the older sister. My sister has the more attractive features. She's beautiful. And in my mind, a lot more so than me. And of the guys who know both of us, they are more attracted to her. My personality and maturity is evident, but of the guys who have had the choice between her and I, all have chosen her. This isn't the first time I've thought about this. She and I know that she is the hot one and I am the smart one.
I've had boyfriends, and relationships, and I'm very grateful for them. I thought my last relationship would last forever. But his feelings for me weren't as deep as mine were (and still are) for him. Before me, he dated a girl who was ironically named Leah. And now they are constant friends. They've been friends since they were like 3 years old, and now they don't talk often, but they are still fairly close. And I look at my relationship with him, and I see that pattern beginning to happen with us. My heart is screaming, "I'm not another Leah! I'm a Rachel! And I want to be YOUR RACHEL!"
But I can't control this situation. The best thing for em to do is let him go. For myself. I have a lot of friends who were going to marry and some were even engaged to men, and they ended up not. They either married other men or are still single. And I've thought I was going to marry this man. But I could be wrong. And I HATE that thought with every fiber of my being. But I have to accept it. I have to let God be in control of my future. I'm trying to manipulate to how I want it to turn out. But I'm not in control. I'm just NOT.
So here I am, with all these desires of being a Rachel. I want to be pursued. I want him (who ever God chooses) to see me and say, "I want HER. With all of me, I want HER." Almost every girl I know has that desire. It's how we were made. And I know a guy who has told me that if he's ever getting married, the girl will be the one proposing to him, because he doesn't really want to get married. Dumbbutt!!!
I really wish I could run up to my ex and sing him that song Realize by Colbie Caillat. But I then I realize myself that that wouldn't be letting him go.

I don't know what else to say at this point, except,
Father God, help me. I need you. I need to love you and resurrender to you and fall head over heels for you again. I'm planning my way, but You determine my steps. Thank you for that comfort. Thank you for being in control. Help me take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to you. Not my will but yours, Lord.

Falling in Love

I was looking at my last post and how it started out depressing but then came to be full of hope. And today, looking at myself, I am FULL of hope and joy. My mom and I have late been praying that God gives me joy. And My name is Joy. And my sister is Hope. Because my mom and God are joyful and hopeful that we will be vessels for Him. And God answers prayers. He has slowly given me joy in my circumstances, even though I'm worried about many things. And along with that joy are other fruits of the Spirit. An example is the peace that I have even though I'm worried because I know God will answer my questions at the right time. I can see the growth in myself! And that is so encouraging!
I was with my bible study girls on the mountain this weekend on a camping trip. And God was with us. He protected us as we drove this mini-van up VERY steep curves. V and I, (V is the driver) were a little more worried than everyone else, because we knew very well that if anything went wrong we could be careening backwards down the mountain! But everyone else was screaming and laughing out of pure adrenaline. And God kept us safe. He didn't let us get lost as we were hiking. He blessed us with a FANTASTIC camping spot, overlooking the valley. Yesterday morning, we woke up to one of the most beautiful sunrises I've ever seen. And the night before, as we separately watched the sun set, we were all talking to God and reading hHis word and listening to Him :). Beautiful.
He gave us some great memories :). And one I vividly remebmer was the wind was blowing fiercely as we were trying to start a fire to cook dinner, and nothing was working. Everytime Macy would light the fire, it would blow out soon. And then Bailey prayed, and Veronica prayed for God to use his power and start the fire. And IMMEDIATELY, literally the next match Macy lit, started the fire! It was like that's crazy! God really answered our petty prayer for a fire so we could cook dinner, and started the fire! THANK YOU JESUS! :)
I came from the mountain closer to God. Not with a spiritual high, but I was just closer to God. I felt God saying 3 things to me: 1) Trust me. 2) I am with you. 3) Love me. The 3rd one REALLY caught my ear as I said God I thought I do love you. And I heard him say "if you love me, you will obey my commands"; and "feed my sheep." God was telling me that I could show him I loved him through moment-by-moment obedience. And that means being obedient in my job, teaching children about him, and being obedient in all other aspects of this summer. So in response I said "ok God. It's time for me to show you I love you. It's time for you to become my first love. To forget about the boys who are on my mind and to focus on living for you." Because I'm not grown up enough to be ready for marriage ANY time soon. I dont' graduate from college for 2 years, and even then I don't know if I'll be ready for marriage. I'll need to be an adult first. So it will be awhile before I need to date because I don't want to date just to date. I know what that's like and I'm not interested. So that leaves me with the one thing I CAN concentrate on: My relationship with God. When I woke up this morning and said, "God, I miss the communion I had on the mountain with you," He responded "Joy dearest, I am everywhere. You didn't leave me on the mountain." And I sang Phil Wickham's song you're beautiful as I was getting ready for church, and I knew, that I was falling in love with God. So as I walked downstairs, I prayed, "Lord, Don't let me guard my heart with you. Let me fall head over heels in love with you. And let me respond in love with moment-by-moment obedience. Because I love you. I'm yours."
At church I sang the song The Potter's Hand for the special music. The chorus says "take me, mold me, use fill me, I give my life to the Potter's hand; call me guide me, lead me, walk beside me, I give my life to the Potter's hand." I want God to set me apart. Because I know He's drawing me to Himself. I want him to fill me and pour me out. And I want to let Him take care of me. I want to have wisdom about planning a preparation, but I want to not be worried about tomorrow and trust Him to take of me, protect me, and lead me in the way everlasting. What I need to do is follow and obey. And look at me now! I don't want to talk about anything else but what He's teaching me! I know that tonight, I will be tempted to talk dirty with some friend I met online. But God is with me and He will help me withstand that temptation. And if I can't withstand it while talkign ot them, I won't talk to them tonight. Because I belong to Jesus. :) Thank you Father, for the joy and peace that comes with the security in knowing you have the whole world in your hands, and that includes me and nothing can snatch me away from your hands. :)

Struggles and Stress < Hope!

This morning, I learned that I'm going to struggle EVERY morning with forgiving myself. I'm going to struggle ALL throughout EVERY day with denying myself the satisfaction of comfort. That doesn't mean I don't take care of myself, but I have to trust God to provide sleep when I know that what I need to do is spend time with Him and clean the bathroom instead of take a nap. I got a lot of sleep last night, but it was dream-filled. I don't even remember what I dreamed, but I've been dreaming this WHOLE summer. Mr Ron told me it might be because of stress. And I've been getting canker sores a lot of this summer; about 3 of them so far, which isn't normal. So I guess I am under stress.
And I don't like it. I don't like how I'm feeling inside. I hate this battle every day of deciding how I'm going to feel and how I'm going to approach every minute of every day. It's tiring. Satan and God are really fighting over me right now, I know it. Some conservative people would say I'm crazy, but I believe we underestimate the war between the 2 spiritual forces.
I wonder if angels still fall into temptation? They're not always in heaven, God uses them here on earth sometimes. I wonder if Satan and demons trick them into betraying God. Well, I just asked my pastor and he has no idea because the Bible doesn't really speak on that issue at all. But anyways, back to the Spiritual war. My pastor just said this war has a purpose, it's not like they're fighting without reason. They're fighting over us. So it's very logical to believe that they're fighting over me every minutes of every day. I probably do have both a guardian angel and a demon who's trying to trick me.
It's like Screwtape letters. Satan can't be everywhere at once. But he has legions and legions of demons. And God CAN be everywhere at once. And he has placed the Holy Spirit in us, and he probably has placed an angel in charge of keeping me safe until its time. I believe that. So if you look at it that way, God is keeping me 3x times more safe than Satan is trying to get me to fall.
And I'm just speculating here. But the Bible clearly says "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one." (John 10:27-29). And that verse gives me complete hope. Because no matter how hard Satan tries, he CAN'T separate me from the love and provision and hand of God. And he's not trying that hard.
What he IS trying to do is make me ineffective in God's kingdom. He's trying to get me to, if possible, turn others away from entering into God's kingdom. And to be honest, He's probably succeeded. And that's where I come in. I choose to be effective. I choose to be sold out for Christ. I choose to enter into this daily struggle and say "no matter what it takes, I'll follow God." Because I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back. Well, okay, I'll fall. I'll turn around. But I have faith in God to bring me back to Him every time. I promised Him that I would ALWAYS come back to Him. Because I'm His child.
And that promise is possibly gonna take a lot of work on His part. He's gonna have to come looking for me. I'm a stupid sheep who strays at almost anything. And then I'm going to lay down and not move till He comes looking for me. And He will. He always will. I will listen to His voice and I will know that it's Him. And I'll re-surrender, just like my song says.
This blog post started out discouraging and depressing. Because everyday, and multiple times daily, I will struggle will many different sorts of temptations. And I'm under stress and I don't like it. But I started listening to Hill-song right before starting this blog, and I feel encouraged. Because God saved me. I'm gonna be alright. And God's mercies are new every morning. A thousand times I fail, but His mercy remains. So does His forgiveness. So if you're reading this right now, Be encouraged! God won't let you out of His hand. He'll always bring you back :).

Comfort

It has come to my realization that I very much value comfort over almost anything else. I say that I'm going to be sold out for God. I say that I'm going to change my sleeping habits and increase the work I do around the house I live in. However, when it actually comes down to the time I said I would do those things, I decide, for whatever reason I have at the moment, that I'll just revert back to my old ways. And I don't change. I realized as I was headed to work this morning that my comfort shouldn't matter. I'm not trusting God to take care of my needs for sleep and happiness when I take care of my own needs. I need to put work first and helping around the house second. And I need to pay attention to my body, as in allot time for eating and sleeping and be careful with what I eat, because god wants me to take care of my body; that's my responsibility. But as far as doing things because they make me feel better like spending long hours on the computer or not getting up for quiet time in the morning so that I'm late to work even tho I'm the only one there, or not going to bed on time because I'm enjoying talking to people, or not helping around the house because I don't have the energy, or forgetting to do laundry, or anything like that, I'm sick of those decisions that I've been making. I refuse to be useless. God will take care of what I want. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. When I delight myself in the Lord, my priorities change, and God still takes care of me. So I'm going to change. Comfort is now NO LONGER a priority. And with that, I'm off to the hot sun to get the mail.

Pensamientos En Espanol

Voy a escribir en espanol, porque no le he hecho en mucho tiempo. Ahorita estoy en Arkansas, disfrutando el verano y el estudio biblico y el trabajo con los ninos y mucho mas. Ya casi se termina mi tempo aqui, y regreso a la universidad en menos de 2 semanas!
Estaba escuchando para la voz del Senor este manana, y oi estas palabras en mi corazon: Toma mi yugo sobre ti. Alimenta mis ovejas.
No se que hacer con esos instrucciones. No se cuales ovejas. Se que es figurativo; viene directamente de las Escrituras. Pero de todas maneras, no se en que manera el quiere que yo tome su yugo. Cual yugo? El tiene muchos no? Pero sobre todo, se que estas palabras estan confirmando en mi el pensamiento de que estoy en ese ciudad para un razon, y es para ser parte del gran proposito de Dios. No se cual parte; talves es con mi iglesia, o talvez va haber una programa secular con ninos con la cual puedo ayudar. No se el ministerio especifico. Lo unico que se es que Dios quiere usarme en gran manera en la ciudad donde esta mi escuela para estas 2 anos que me faltan. Y yo no creo que me va a usar mucho en la universidad. Creo que el quiere que yo sea usado en otras partes. Talvez me equivoco, y eso esta bien. Pero esos son mis pensamientos ahorita.

Temporary Mess

I was listening to the song called Times, by Tenth Avenue North this afternoon, and I just started bawling my eyes out. Because I realized how lost and confused and hurt and ugly and messy I was. I was in the living room, where my Grannie and Mr. Ron could walk by me at any point, and I still just lost it. So I went upstairs and closed the door and bawled my eyes out for about 30 minutes, while I picked songs I was in the mood to listen to. Mostly it was just that song Times over and over again. But I also listened to Ocean Floor by Audio Adrenaline to try and help me feel better. And then, I realized I just needed to write. So I wrote. And I wrote some more. And I thought, and wrote some more. And what came out was this: a song called Temporary Mess, written by Me, today, July 25, 2010:

Verse 1
When I look in the mirror I see a mess
I’m convinced that others see even less
The good I do is cancelled out
By my sinful nature that seems to shout
She’s no good, and she never will be
So just let her be, go on and leave
You can’t hear my heart cry “don’t go”
Someday the angel inside me will show
Chorus
//Yes I’m a mess. For now an ugly mess
But I can’t stop believing
In the beautiful ending//
Verse 2
When He takes me home, all will be cured
The evil left behind and my heart pured
So wait, just wait. Hold on to the hope
As long as I continue to cope
That I will turn out just fine
He’s holding me, just give me time
I can’t give up, I have to believe
Someday holiness I’ll achieve
Bridge
The mess is only temporary
God is changing me (4x)

I have decided I love this song. And the music I put to it goes really well with it. It's a little more fast paced than I usually write, and I think it was inspired a little by BarlowGirl. Althought I can't make it sound like it was written because I think I need an electric guitar and some drums. And I don't play either instrument.
So that's how I'm feeling. God loves me and forgives me no matter what. I'm still gonna hold out for that beautiful ending, no matter how ugly the mess looks at the moment. Father, thank you for the hope you've given me. Romans 5:1-2. And I think I just found my verses to memorize this week! Yay :)

My thoughts

My confession: I'm writing this in the hope that a certain someone will see, even though He doesn't know I write a blog. Oh well. :P
I'm at a loss at what to do. I just get lonely. And I don't know how to handle myself. But then I remind myself that I'm going to be ok. Because God is holding me. And all that I want to happen will happen in its time. I love Jesus. I'm working on loving him more than anyone else in this whole wide world. I don't think 'm quite there yet because I love myself. And I can't trust Him to find the guy for me. So that's what I'm working on.
I don't have much more to say, so I'll leave one last thought: Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

God's Forgiveness

God forgives us. *silence* Ok, let me try that again. GOD FORGIVES US! *tears or joy and cheers hooray* ok that's much better.

No matter how many times I mess up, or how bad I think I mess up, God forgives. He forgives me! He already forgave me! He put in this place, at this job, knowing everything that was going to transpire. He knew when I was 14 when I made the no kissing commitment believing that it would stop me from committing any other sexual sin that I was going to mess up right here, right now. He knew it. And He still chooses to love me and forgive me and use me and clean me up and help me start over. God puts his treasure in earthen vessels, in jars of clay. Not perfect, beautiful, look-at-this amazing jar. He wants us to look more at the treasure than the jar. And the jar should feel honored that the treasure is in them.

It's like the tale of the three trees. One tree wanted to be fit for a king. Another tree wanted to become a ship fit to sail the seas for a King or a mighty sailor. And the third tree wanted to point to God on the mountain His whole life. Well, all the trees were cut down. The first was made into a manger for hay and for cows to feed from. It said to itself what is this? I wanted to be fit for a king! And then one day, a baby was placed inside it. And this baby was no ordinary Baby. It was Jesus! So the manger held a king! But no one paid attention to the manger, they paid attention to the Baby, and that was quite all right with the manger :). The second tree was made into a small sail boat. It was like what is this? I'm not fit to travel the high seas in this! But then one day a miracle happened. during a huge thunderstorm, one the passengers on the boat commanded the seas to calm down, and they listened. So in the little boat was a man whom even the wind and seas obeyed. And no one paid attention to the boat, merely the man in the boat. And that was perfectly fine with the boat. The third tree didn't want to be cut down. He wanted to stand there and point to God all his life. But one day, he was made into a cross, and was carried up a mountain. The put a man on it, and sign up above the man that said King of the Jews. God was on that cross. And the cross knew. He was pointing to God. no one cared about the cross, only the man on the cross, who rose from the dead 3 days later. And that was perfectly fine with the cross. (I'm paraphrasing the story a lot, and it comes from a kids book.)

My point is, the cross and boat and manger weren't glorified. But they each had a purpose. And they were used for God's glory. They weren't perfect tools. I'm not perfect. I make so many mistakes I can't even look at myself sometimes. But God still chose to use me and He's going to continue to use me. No matter how bad I am, I promised God I would keep coming back to Him. And I do. I keep coming back. God loves me. He sent His son to die for me even though I don't think I was worth it sometimes. Thank heaven God is not a fair God! I deserve hell. I really do. But God in his mercy brought from the dead back to life. I was dead in my transgression, and He gave me life. May the Name of the Lord be praised forever! He changes lives; all creation bows down to Him!

God used my sin for good. I now have experienced firsthand God's unconditional forgiveness. I am having a hard time forgiving myself. The sin I committed feels unbearable. And there are worse sins I could have committed. But God in His divine mercy forgave me. And now, healing begins. And my testimony has just grown stronger.
Right after I told myself I would be sold out for Jesus, I messed up royally. So it proved that I cant' do this on my own. And I can't be sold out without surrendering all of me. And I couldn't surrender without first being broken. So now I'm broken. Completely. And I'm placing the broken pieces of my life in God's hands. And there they'll stay even after He fixes them :)

Stuck

I feel stuck. I haven't discussed this with many people, but I only have part of the summer left here (where I feel like if I moved here God could totally use me among the Hispanic crowd), and then I go back to my college town. God is moving in radical ways at my college, but I don't want to join just to be part of the crowd. There are huge movements of change, but there are also fakers, people who are following the movement of change because it's cool or the right thing to do but they don't know what it means to take up your cross daily. Maybe I'm judging too much. I want to do something different, something no one else is comfortable with. But I can't do it alone. And I can't do it without God's leading. So just pray for me as I try to seek the Lord about how He wants me to serve in this next coming year at my college. And here in Little Rock, all I can do is wake up every day, completely re-surrender to God, and follow His leading at my work and during the rest of the day. He knows that when I see a need that I can meet, I'll meet it.
I was downtown on Saturday walking to meet some friend when I passed this guy, who was drunk. He asked for a light; I don't smoke. Then he asked for a dollar so he could buy chicken wings from this Mexican place. There is no Mexican place down there, but I figured out that he meant the place where all Mexicans work. So I bought him some chicken tenders and told him to stop drinking. And then after I left, I realized I hadn't shared the Gospel, because I had been in a hurry. But I went to meet my friends, who later brought him up in conversation because he had told them something funny. I mentioned I bought him dinner and they all looked at me like I was crazy. Why the heck did u buy him dinner? "I would have just walked off and left him." (in my mind I was like, that's what you did!)
I just feel like even tho I want to live for God and I'm giving myself over to Him, I start to rely on my own strengths and I don't live up to the potential I have. I fasted last week, and it was a success, but it could have been better, there some time I could have spent more wisely. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. But I say I'm sold out for God and then it's like I rely on my own strength while trying to tell myself I'm relying on God and trying to pray God help me. So that brings me to the "stuck" feeling.


Where do I go from here?

Radical

I've just finished reading Crazy Love. I discovered that Chapter 8 is pretty much the most life-changing chapter in there. So I'm making changes in my life.
I don't want to be a lukewarm, complacent Christian. I gave my life to Christ a long time ago, and since then, I've really tried to be completely surrendered to Him. But the main thing I've found is that I really can't do it on my strength. That's why God gave us the Holy Spirit. So, with the Holy Spirit's power in me, I want to be SOLD OUT for Christ; obsessed with Jesus.
I'm praying about where God's leading me in the future, because I don't know. But after reading Crazy Love, I realize that to really make the statement "it's not about me" true, I have to give myself to loving God and loving others in tangible ways. Reading chapter 9 with all those examples was an eye opener. And someday, I'm going to be God's missionary, either in the US or outside of it (hopefully outside of it because I've felt to international missions since I was 12), ministering to the needy. Key word: needy. Probably involving children, and education or something, I don't know yet. But I'm asking myself what can I do NOW, like this summer and this coming school year, for God? I'm in Little Rock doing an internship with Otter Creek 1st Baptist doing their children's program for the summer. It's going slowly because they didn't have one before I came along, and I'm completely new at this. And I feel like God wants me to put all my energy into that because I think I can be doing more for it and for this church. But I keep feeling like there's something else I need to be doing, other people I need to reach out to that no one else will. I keep thinking about both downtown Little Rock and the Hispanic community that live in trailer parks right up the road, but there are 2 hindrances: 1) I'm a girl, and I'm not yet 21, so I can't go witness where there's alcohol, and I'm probably not a strong enough Christian for those places. And 2) I don't know how to just go into that Hispanic community; technically I can't because there's no loitering or soliciting allowed. But I speak Spanish and I have a gift with children, which there are tons of over there, and they're really on my heart since I found out that community existed. But I'm stuck; I don't know what to do.
I also have no idea what God wants from me when I go back to college, where I'm with student my age at a Christian University who may or may not be sold out for God, but most appear that way on the outside. And then right across the street in Henderson State University, and much of that population is lost. And I want to reach those wouldn't be reached otherwise, but I don't want to fall into temptation either. My peers are also very judgmental, and any "questionable" activity I do WILL BE talked about. And I really have to concentrate on graduating excelling in school to keep my scholarships.
I also believe it's time for me to start sponsoring a child from overseas, so I'm looking into that. I have no idea where or through which organization but I do know that I don't want to do it through Compassion because not all of their money goes directly to the child.
So now, I'm praying and I don't know where to go next. But that's ok.

He's Pursuing Me

He's Pursuing Me.

My Savior is intimately pursuing a relationship with me. He didn't just say, "ok. you're safe." and walk off. No. Wouldn't you be mad if that happened? Wouldn't you say "Wait! Come back! My prince charming and I are supposed to live happily ever after! Wasn't there a reason you chose me and saved me?" It reminds me of Shrek. He rescues her and is going to take her to another prince, who wants to live happily ever after with her but didn't want to do the work to rescue her because he wanted to become king and not do anything to jeopardize that. If I were Fiona I'd be like "TAKE ME BACK TO IMPRISONMENT!" Which I think is what she wanted. At one point she decided she wasn't going. So Shrek forced her by picking her up. But anyways I'm sidetracking.

That's not what Jesus did. In Isaiah ch 40, God is speaking to his people Israel, whom he saved from Egypt and has been with them ever since. However, they've turned away multiple times. Wouldn't you hate to have Israel as the princess whom you were rescuing? "Oh you saved me! THANK YOU! Now go away we have our own stuff to do for a while. We'll call you when we need you again." But God is still FOREVER FAITHFUL to them. He's the perfect prince. He says to them while they're in captivity, (Isaiah 41:8-10)

8But you, Israel, my servant,
Jacob, whom I have chosen,
the offspring of Abraham, my friend;
9you whom I took from the ends of the earth,
and called from its farthest corners,
saying to you, "You are my servant,
I have chosen you and not cast you off";
10fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I found this set of verses when I was an adolescent, around 12 or 13 or 14; I can't remember. But I do remember how they made me feel. I wrote a song about them. "I have chosen you and have not rejected you" was the main line of my song. That really captivated me. At that age I was experiencing a lot of rejection from my peers. Part of it was my fault, but they still weren't giving me chance; they were only finding fault with me. And I saw them mess up but they still loved each other. It wasn't fair. Today, I feel rejected more from guys my age. But part of it is still my fault, because I'm mostly immature and not ready for a relationship. But the fact that God chose me, and hes NOT rejected me, still means something to me. He is my rescuer.

Right now, I'm being a lot like Israel. Somedays I say, "oh by the way God, thanks for saving me. I'm gonna go do my own thing today and I'll see you later." But I read a story about this woman who spend a significant amount of time in her morning with God, kneeling at a corner of her bed. Later on that day, she would glance over at that corner, remind herself that she gets to spend the next morning with God, and gain joy from that knowledge. It's like me when I know my boyfriend is going to call the next day and when I remember, I get really excited. Who cares if I'm ditching homework or something else important? I get to talk to my man! And that's how she felt about God. That's where I want to be.

I've been reading Crazy Love. That's where I got that about story. But one of the things Francis Chan said is that we can't force ourselves to fall in love with Christ. We have to allow His Spirit to come in us and fill us with His love. We fall in love with Him using the love He first gave us. I don't know specifically how it works but I do know that it works. His love is as powerful as He is. So when we have that power in us, there's nothing we can't love. And THAT right there brings me joy :D.

It's time for me to close this blog post. But know this: no matter many times I decide to do my own thing, I will always return to my Savior, and be filled with His love so I can fall in love with Him.

God's Multipurpose Instrument

Surrender - one of the least liked words in the American language (according to me), and one of the hardest things to do, especially in my relationship with God. I have to surrender my whole self, everything about me, even the things I hold on to most tightly, well, especially those. I hold on to my ex, I hold on to my future and my plans, my job, any kind of security I feel, I hold on to it, because I don't want to let it go. And I realize that it comes down to a trust issue. How much do I really trust God with? And when I look at my life and my lifestyles and my habits, I see that it's not much. I take control of things and I justify taking control by any excuse I can come up with. I take control of my social life by going online and finding new friends who won't judge me or keep me accountable when I'm sick of being dissected and rebuked, especially when I need those rebukes the most. I'm constantly looking for the next thing that will satisfy my needs, instead of letting those things come as God provides. As a result, I fall further and further away from living the life God has called me to live. He has called me to be set apart; instead, if I were the one Christian in a crowd, you wouldn't be able to tell. I'd be acting just like them. I care about what others think about me so I mold myself in order to be liked. And honestly, it doesn't work. You ended up with this confused girl who seems really sweet and fun and funny, but who can't really keep the friends she's made. And because I'm far away from God, I have no solution at this point.

But God is faithful.

Joshua 1:9 - ...the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Philippians 1:6 - ...that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:28 We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:37-39 No, in all these things we are more than victorious through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!

Isaiah 40:31 but those who trust in the LORD will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint.

there are so many more verses I could quote, but these are some main ones that present different on God's response to us. :)

Dilemma

Can I be friends with my ex without letting my emotions overpower my mind?

I talked to my parents, and they made these points
- I shouldn't cut him off completely unless he's a bad influence on me, which he isn't, because they wouldn't have let me date him if they thought that
- I need to learn the skill of keeping my emotions in check
- I want to be his friend
- He wants to be my friend
- I told them that I need to learn to surrender him and any future with him to God, and they said I can do that without cutting of communication

so knowing all of this, I don't see why I can't glorify God and keep his as a friend at the same time. So, I'll tell him I want to be his friend. But I won't tell him anything about giving any thoughts of a future with him over to God because that's just manipulating him. Surrender means letting God take care of him and a future with him and not taking matters into my own hands. I have to LET GO, and I can still do that while being his friend. I need to learn how to just be his friend anyway. He's a great guy and a great friend to me.

I Love Him, but it's not in the right way (think les mis)

so here's an update on my life:
I spoke to my church wednesday night about what it was like growing up as a missionary kid. and I had to ignore all of the "oh my gosh what do I do about my ex?" thoughts running around inside my head. I had to completely surrender everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, to God, and he really took control of what I said. I talked about - well - growing up on the mission field! I talked about things I learned about God and what my response should be: trust and surrender. And God really used me to encourage the church :).
But yeah, trust and surrender are the two things I'm expecially working on right now. Myself wants to just take back Thomas into my life and keep communication until he comes to his senses and falls in love with me again or until I snap and demand that he fall in love. But I have to trust that if Thomas is in my future, God and him will make it happen. I had a daydream last night as I was falling asleep that Thomas realized he was in love with me and wanted to marry me but he talked to some adults and they told him to wait because what was going to do - ask me to wait for him? That wasn't trusting God with his future. He knew I was in love with Him, but that I was getting over him, all he had to do was wait for God's timing. Now I know that Thomas doesn't feel this way about me. All I know is that he values me as a friend and I inspire him to be more like Christ. And if I loved him for the right reasons, that should be MORE THAN ENOUGH. But I selfishly want him in love with me because I'm not over my infatuation with him. I have to let God do his work and say Thomas, I can't handle a friendship with you still. Even though I've done a lot of maturing, I've realized that for me to continue moving on from us, I'm still not in a place where we can just be friends and my emotions won't get in the way. There's no telling how long it will take. But I do want you in my life, and I want to be in yours. Just not yet. -I don't know, I'll say something like that.
So anyways, I'm now in Louisiana with my ever annoying but wonderful brother. I leave Tuesday and I have to go back to my lovely job. To God be the Glory!

have i lost my mind??!!

I talked on the phone with my ex today. for an hour and a half! he had texted me and i just read it today, asking if i was ok because he had heard about hte floods near me and wanted to make sure nothing had happened. i haven t talk to him since february when i said we cant talk anymore because i cant handle a friendship with you without my feelings getting in the way. so thats how we left things. he deleted me as friends on facebook. there were so many times i wanted to tell him something, ask his advice, or just hear his voice on my birthday, and i couldnt. and now, well, i journalled, cuz i didnt know what to do. i knew i wanted his friendship back. but can i handle it? i had texted him back multiple messages so he knew it was ok, and he asked are you sure you want to call? and i said yes, so we talked, and then hung up, and then talked again, just about what God has been doing in our lives, interesting stories, and more. and now, i dont know what to do? will i be able to handle a friendship with no romance?? the no talking period was for me. now i want to show him love, doing what he needs. what does he need? a friendship? space? friendship on his terms? cuz i dont know if that's healthy; i would just be letting him renew selfish habits. but i want to be who he needs. and he values me. and i value him. i wish i knew the future!!! i wish i could see, oh yes, we'll get back together, it's perfectly fine to start a relationship. or, no dear, he's just gonna break your heart again without meaning to so stay away. i know he'll probably talk to me less often than once a week or once every 2 weeks. and im still high maintenance and i would want more or i would be missing him. thats the problem right there - i would MISS him, and i would interpret our conversations as something more than what they really are: merely proof that we have a close friendship. i was his best friend at one point. but i think thats all i was to him. but he was my beloved! and i know i'll make up excuses to think of him that way again! i don't want to, but i'm pretty sure i will! so now i don't know what to do... what's the best way to go, God? it's in your hands, i need your wisdom on this one...

Giving Stress to God

I'm starting to stress out. And now that I know this: I know how to deal with it. 2 ways: jornaling/blogging, and time with Jesus.
So here's what's going on.
I live with a roommate. She's a wonderful girl, and she's really smart, but she's a little OCD. so whenever I do something wrong, of course she points it out. Now she has great habits and I need to learn how to take responsilibity for where I live, such as not leaving food out and picking up my stuff, but she thinks I know nothing about preparing food and stuff, like she has a specific way she prepares noodles so they don't stick. It makes sense, but I just have so much going on, I don't need her "nagging" at me. And she comes home crabby from work. And I'm sleeping on a hide-a-bed in the living room cuz her apt has 1 bedroom! And I have NO place to put my things! She's moving a to a duplex which has 2 bedrooms, but she's moving in with a roommate, so I'm STILL sleeping on the hide-a-bed. And it will still be a ways from work, so I'll still use a lot of gas. And what bugs me is I say, hey can I turn some music on? No, I'd prefer you not. Seriously??!! So, I'm talking to my pastor to figure out a different/better living situation. There's a lot of people in the church who are willing to help me out, and I'm willing to pay rent. Not much, but a little.
The other things that's stressing me out: my job. I'm an intern at a church jumpstarting a children's ministry. I have less than a week to prepare lesson plans for the summer, plan games and activties, figure out snacks, crafts, and the supplies we need, tell adults what I need from them, and I have no idea how many kids are coming to this thing. That's what I'm worried about!!! It could be any where from 5 to like i don't know, maybe 100? maybe more? That's a WIDE range of possiblities!!! I'm supposed to figure out how to do this job when i have that much on my plate?? And to add more, I have to speak for 30 minutes on what it was like to be a missoinary kid, and I have like a week to prepare for that!!!! Seriously??!!!

Ok God, you know what is worrying me. And your Word says Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. You also said sekk My kingdom and My righteousness first and all these thigns will be added to you as well. So I'm trusting You, God. I surrender. I can't do this without You. PLease Help. In Your Name, Amen.

I got PLAYED

Have you ever seen Princess Diaries 2?
There's a part in there where Mia comes into her room after spending the night with Nicholas, and her waking up with him is on Genovia natl TV. She crying when the queen asks her what happened, and she says "I got played." Well, that's me. Right now. Not with the tears, those happened last night.

So heres the story:
I went to a wedding. Yep - recipe for disaster. At weddings, there are single guys who, seeing the ceremony and the reception and knowing whats happening that night are suddenly on the quest to find either commitment or sex, fast. Well, I met one such guy: Rhys. Rhys is a scrawny, blonde haired blue eyed cutie who can swing dance with the best of us. I say us because I can too. I had met him a yr and a half ago but he doesnt remember because he went off to the army and was gone for all this time. He deploys in september. So this guy comes up to me and grabs my hands to dance and when he finds out that I can I can, of course he's pretty happy. So for the rest of the day, he flirts with me, blows the wedding bubbles at me, pokes me, makes sure I'm not leaving when I went out to my car to change (I was a bridesmaid, the only skinny single one of us), and etc. He invites me to dinner with their group, so I go, and the whole time he tries to play footsie with me, rubs his finger on my arm once, pokes my head when i spaced out, listens hard to everything I'm saying, etc. He follows me back to Kayla's car because I took her back to it and he had her brothers stuff. He would have stayed to talk to me after he gave it to her had we not exchanged a long hug. I'm literally playing as hard to get as I possibly can. Well, we go back to a friends apartment, and there are 2 very serious couples there. They all decide to smush on one couch so Rhys and can have the love seat to spread out since we're not a couple. Sarah pokes Andrew, Bandi pokes Aaron, and the next thing I know there's a tickle fight. And I knew, I just KNEW Rhys was going to tickle me. and he did. I was sprawling on the floor kicking him to get him off me. Then he picks the movie, strategically of course: August Rush. I'd never seen it. It's a dramatic chick flick that he had hoped would make me want to cuddle with him. Well, he starts scooting closer and closer to me and then he has his arm pressed against mine. About 30minutes later he says, my arms falling asleep. I said, well you put it there, not my fault. And he said well I could put it somewhere else, and he tried to put in around me but my head was in the way, so it was like, aww. And then I said fine, and leaned forward, and he was like, YES! So the rest of the movie is spent with him touching me as much as he dares. Im trying to not respond. I should have moved. At one point Bandi texted me so I would move, to I responded, THANK YOU! But then we got back into the same position. When the movie was over, he offered to walk me to my car, and Bandi looked at him and said, if you try ANYTHING, the 4 of us will be out there ASAP. So he didnt try anything. My car door handle was broken, so he opened my door ,and I just got in quickly. I didnt wait. So he said, ok Ill facebook you. He had hinted earlier that he would drive up here to see me because our friends were still up here till noon on memorial day. well he didnt. he just took his 5 hr drive home. has not texted or called since. stupid boy!!! he used me to be his cuddle buddy and then disappeared!!! At least I guarded my haart, but he still got my hopes up and then dashed them! He facebooked me saying I was right, we were friend on facebook. So should I respond to him?

Spiritual Gifts

I just took a Spiritual Gift Inventory under the guidance of my pastor, and I came out high with Evangelism, Mercy, and Pastoring/Shepherding, with Exhortation, Prophecy, and Administration also high on the list. How ever, there were only 9 gifts on this particular inventory. I've been thinking about developing my own personal list of Spiritual Gifts, what I believe are on the list. First we need to define spiritual gifts. Most people agree on the definition, which confuses me that there can be one definition but different lists of what falls under that list. I lean toward more conservative views because of how I was raised, but I still agree with what I got as spiritual gifts. However, I would also include Discernment, Apostle, and Knowledge, which I could not choose from on the first inventory. When I was younger, I would not have said Discernment or Apostle, or in fact any of these, but I've learned that I really do have them. Using them is a different matter. I am really bad at using the gift of Evangelism. The importance I place on how much people like me can hinder that gift, as well as the gift of Prophecy. those involve being radical Christians, using the gifts to the best of our ability, ignoring the world's view of us. The Bible says the world will hate us because it hated Jesus, and a servant is not better than his master. I guess my point is that I'm discovering what my spiritual gifts are and how to use them. With my gifts of mercy, evangelism, and apostleship, I feel called to be a missionary; I've felt that since I was very young. I also believe I'm more willing to have this calling because of my background. But there is no doubt in my mind that that is my calling, especially because of my gifts and what I know is my passion which I value as higher than any others, and that is telling others about Jesus. I have the ability and the gift to cross cultural, language, and other boundaries to share the gospel with those who haven't heard. My heart also goes out to those who are in need: orphans, widows, others who are disabled or in poverty. So from this day forward, I commit myself to the study and use of my Spiritual gifts so I may edify the Body of Christ and serve God's Kingdom to the best of my ability.
that may not make sense to a lot of you, but that is my heart.

IMPROMPTU

Date. Yes. I had an "impromptu" date. Friday night.
I call it impromptu because it didn't start out that way.
I texted my friend oh Thursday night saying, hey our mutual friend is playing in battle of the bands tomorrow night. Wanna go? He called the next afternoon and said yeah he would love to go. When I said I didn't know how to get there and that my GPS was messing up, he said, well, I can just come pick you up. So he did, and we went to the concert area, but our friend's band wasn't going to play till 9. So we decided to go eat and maybe catch a movie. Well, he paid for my dinner, even though I was fully prepared to pay, and then we went to this beautiful bridge connected to a dam, and walked on that for a while. Then we went bowling. Well, during bowling, our friend called saying they were about to ply and we totally missed it! But we went back to the concert anyway, and voted for him, and his band got 3rd place and is moving on to the finals! So then he took me home, and helped me deal with my really bad headache the whole time. I invited him in and he said yes. My roommate and her boyfriend were there and so the four of us talked for a while, and then my "date" left; I walked him out to his car and gave him a hug and walked back inside. I told my roommie and her boyfriend about the whole night, and she asked her man, "Are you seeing what I'm seeing?" "yes" "congratulations, sweetie, you had a date tonight. "SCORE!" I like this guy. a lot.
PROBLEM: I'm supposed to be on a BOY FAST right now! And I JUST wrote a few days ago about a crush on a guy I've never met. How am I supposed to handle this? EXACTLY> give it to God. He knows exactly what's in store for me this summer. He knows what I need, and he knows whether or not that includes this guy as either just a friend or a potential date. I don't know how this guy feels right now. He may just think I'm cool to hang out with. I mean, we've known each other for 2 years and it's never been more than friends and the occasional conversation, why is now any different? I HAVE to assume nothing has changed, and he's not interested. Otherwise, I'll get my panties all up in a wad for no reason.
My point here is this: GOD IS IN CONTROL. He knows what's going to happen this summer, including everything going on with the children's ministry at my church, whether or not our program will succeed, whether or not I'll make a successful demo of myself singing, whether or not I'll be dating, how much money I'll make, the financial problems that will occur, and etc. GOD KNOWS. And my job is to trust Him. I wrote a song yesterday about God being FAITHFUL. And you know what? THE PASTOR SPOKE ON THAT VERY TOPIC! Coincidence? I think NOT!

Fuzz

My thoughts are all in a jumble, a fuzz. I'm sitting here not doing much when I really need to be concentrating on my job. What in the world am I going to teach these kids? What games are we going to play? How are we going to advertize this? But there's really not much I can do because I still don't know the curriculum. And on top of my that, my mom got me freaked out the other day telling me I shouldn't be in here alone with the pastor during the day. Well that can't be helped, that's what baptist churches do, so I'm just trying not to worry about it; however; my overactive imagination is going crazy right now, and my emotions and stress levels are through the roof.
And I think I may be possibly starting to develop feelings for a guy I'll never meet. He doesn't have any idea. He knows I can't date him. But these feelings are there. Or maybe it's just the desire to be single and the fact that he's one I'm thinking of. I'm really praying for him. And I think he has feelings for some one else. Why is it that the ones I'm attracted to are either not the pursuing kind, or interested in someone else? I have a type. And this guy doesn't fit the type. But I like him. My type is skinny, blonde, blue eyes, Christian, shy. He has NONE of these qualities. Why do I like him? I may even love him, in a different way than I say I mean. He's funny and he'll always be there for me. I wish I could really meet him. Maybe some day...
My heart longs to be filled. And it's normally filled with the love of God, but today he feels distant. I didn't have my morning quiet time, and I woke up on the wrong side of bed, so that might be it. So I'm trying to fill my heart with emotions that don't line up with what I believe. I know that I'm single right now for a purpose: to grow closer to God and develop my relationship with him with no distractions. A boyfriend would be too distracting from my work at this point. He just would. But that doesnt negate my longing for one.
Jesus, I want a boyfriend. But I'm gonna trust that you'll provide the right one for me in the right time. Your timing is perfect. And your plan is perfect. this one guy is not in your plan, that I know for sure. Help me trust you. Get me back on track. Bring me back to you.

Proverbs

Last night, I had a humbling talk with my mom. We talked a lot about character qualities I have that hinder me from being the best daughter of God I can be, and also from growing up into adulthood. A big one was pride. Mom advised to take care of this now before I fall in front of that church I'll be an intern at this summer. Another big one is laziness. I lack self discipline in the area of cleaning my room. And I'm not observant or aware of things I need to be aware of, like my headlight going out. I've been realizing that I really am small, immature, and if I'm not living to please God, I'm very insignificant. I want my life to entirely be a spontaneous response to his love for me. I want to literally worship him in everything, to there it's not legalistic, but it comes from the heart. I want my decisions to be in line with His will. Why am I so self-centered? My life is not my own. He bought me. I should be responding in love with all of my actions. People who do this: my mom and dad, Leslie, Bailey, are the main ones I can think of.
Father, I realize that I am small. I realize that I am insignificant, and you can do my job just as well or better using someone else. I don't understand your love. But the bottom line is: I have it. You love me. You showed it when your Son died for me. And I forget that so often. I have these urges to be someone who doesn't worship you. Someone whose actions comes directly from myself and my selfish heart: partying, wearing sexy clothes, cussing, being stupid. A wise person is diligent, careful with their tongue, kind, prudent, listens to wise advice, hard-working, peace-loving, and joyful. I want to adapt these qualities as an act of sacrificial love to you. I sacrifice my own desires because I love you. Why has that not clicked before? You are my first love. Help me respond in sacrificial love and worship to you. Amen.

GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS!

God is truly amazing! He has just really answered my prayers, especially last week.
First (and least important) - some of the deadlines for my assignments were pushed back.
Second - when I needed another musical to watch, he provided for me through my friend Bandi, who was playing a homeschoolers league production of Hello Dolly! And he provided for me a place to stay that night during the tornado - her house.
Third - when he told me to "wait" after I asked him what to do about my confused roommate who thought she was lesbian but also brought drama with her everywhere and is very immature and selfish, he made the decision for me when she told me she wasn't coming back next semester. So now I can stay where I am with my suitemates and get a different roommate who will most likely be better for me. And I trust him to take care of her at community college.
Fourth - When I was worried about not having a summer job and trying ti trust God to provide, I finally applied to 2 places that were sort of last-choice jobs, he brought me a pastor who was interested in interviewing me, and came to my college so i didn't have to drive to little rock, and it turns out I'm EXACTLY what they need to start a children's ministry. I would be an intern working on different programs for their summer children's programs, I would be very involved in the church, and I might even be playing in a praise band because they need a bass player!! The pastor told me not in so many words that I'm exactly what he was looking for, and he had no other applicants at the time of my interview, and I find out tonight if I'm for sure offered the job. God is SO GOOD! This is truly a perfect fit! I would be living in Little Rock with Bandi, and developing my friendship with her because she's amazing!!!
So seriously, God provides. He really does. The only thing I'm worried about is just getting everything packed and stored somewhere. I'm also worried about my finals and some late papers that I have to write today. But I'm learning how to truly trust God. He takes care of his children.
Right now I'm listening to a podcast from Breakaway Ministries, where Ben Stuart is talking about love, and how that is the main thing we need to work on. He's in a series that is talking about entanglements, and this week's topic is religious entanglements, I think mainly legalism. It's interesting. I have to quit typing, but that's something I'm really working on, is loving God and loving others. Oswald Chambers talks about how love is spontaneous. It says that love is a spontaneous response to what God has done for, and the overflow of the work of the Holy Spirit in your love. Love is not in our nature, it's given to us by the Holy Spirit.
Ok well, I'm getting off.
God, thank you. For answering my prayers. For loving me. For giving me love. And for changing me to become more like You. I'm yours. It's not about me.

It's not about me

This week and last week have been crazy. I've dealing with:
1: my future roommate, who just told me a week ago that's she attracted to girls as well as guys. She's not techinically bisexual becasue she doesn't do sexual relationships, but she's attracted to both. not me, but she allows herself to have crushes on girls. But I'm telling myself, give it to God; it's not about me.
2: my social club, Chi Rho Phi, which is experiencing a little bit of drama, as usual, while watching me grow into a person that cares more about them. they see that i'm less self-centered, but they're still a little guarded. so progress is being made. But I'm telling myself, give it to God; it's not about me.
3: my family, which is always on my mind, because they're so far away. i hate being an adult because im still having trouble keeping up with finances!!! but Phil, my younger brother by 16 months, is fine! he's going into the Naval Academy! he's disciplined and self-controlled and loves the Lord and not hindered by girls, gosh, he's my role model. and my sister is being chased by this guy and she's able to say no! But I'm telling myself, give them to God; it's not about me.
4: my school work, which is almost overwhelming me. i have projects in art, projects in instructional technology, paper in theatre, group play in theatre, test in life science, test in math, hw in math, and quizzes in western civ. i'm going to BURST! But I'm telling myself, give it to God; it's not about me.
5: my lifeguarding class. I get my certification on Sunday, IF I pass everything. Can I do it? But I'm telling myself, give it to God; it's not about me.
6: my summer. I'm jobless and homeless at the moment. 2 things are possiblities but I don't even know if they'll open up all the way. But I'm telling myself, give it to God; it's not about me.
So in conclusion. All these things, are God's now. The Bible says Seek ye First the kingdon of God and his righteousness. I'm seeking righteousness God, I'm trusting you to provide for me and take care of me. I'm not good at letting go. Help. No es facil seguirte, ya lo se. Y fuera de ti yo se que nada lo puedo hacer. Se muy bien que lo que tienes para mi es mejor de lo que pudiera tener. Por eso hoy te entrego todo lo que soy, y quiero que tu llenes todo mi interior. Quiero seguirte a ti; quiero morir a mi.

songs

I wanna be righteous in your eyes
I wanna be a fragrant sacrifice
I wanna bring joy to your heart
Set me apart
coyright Melanie Williams! no stealing allowed!

(that one is unfinished. I'm still working on it.)


Re-surrender
By Melanie Williams
April 5th, 2010
Inspired by Hosea chapter 2

Jesus, I’ve been unfaithful
I’ve chased after the wrong lovers
I forgot your love, forgot your grace
I forgot you provisions for me

Now I need help comin’ back to you
Let me feel your presence drawing me
Woo me into the desert
Speak tenderly to me
Make a door of hope for me
And I’ll re-surrender to you

Father I’ve been deceitful
Claimed I loved you but I ignored you
I neglected you and your will for my life
I stopped giving my time to you

Arranged Marriages

This is going to sound super weird, but think about your parents. Think about how well they know you, and think about what they want for you. Also think about what they believe about God and about their purpose in life and your purpose in life. Think about what kind of guy or girl they would choose for you if it was their job. This doesn't apply to you if you have parents who aren't involved in your life or don't share your faith. Well, mine do. They love me, they know what kind of person of I am, and they have even higher standards of living than I do. They know what kind of guy I would need: A decent-looking, good man who loves the Lord and feels called to the mission field. He would also need to be compatible with my personality. To be completely honest, because my parents are who they are, I wouldn't mind an arranged marriage. And I know this sounds completely crazy, like who wouldn't want to choose their own husband? I want to find someone with whom I can spend the rest of my life glorifying God and telling others about Jesus. I feel like God would bless my marriage no matter who chose the man, me or my parents. And marriage doesn't have to have feelings of love to start it. Love and romance can grow. Respect, honor, and purpose, and enjoying each other's company are required. Which is why there would have to be some period of courtship. I wouldn't want to show up at my wedding never having met my groom. But my parents wouldn't agree to that, so I have nothing to worry about. Not that my parents would agree to an arranged marriage either; they've already told me they want me to pick my own husband. I know this is a totally foreign concept, but seriously, in India, there are debates about love marriages versus arranged marriages EVERY day, especially among Christians. I know that's a totally different culture, which is why my acceptance of that aspect helps confirm my calling to be a missionary. Joy, how does that have anything to do with your calling in life, you ask? Well, I think that being a missionary involves a spiritual gift. You have to have been given an ability to learn languages, a desire to reach people for Christ, and ease in adapting into any culture. I guess those aren't requirements, but I do have all 3 of those. I'm kingdom minded, I love languages, and I'm open-minded and willing to adapt to any culture. Mind you, I said culture not religion. Well, I have to go now, but that's just something I was thinking about. If you have comments or questions, feel free to let me know.

Jesus, My First Love

The title of this blog is deceiving. At the moment, Jesus is not my first love. Men that are seen by my eye that I find attractive easily capture my attention. I begin to obsessively put my efforts into talking to boys "nonchalantly." I'm BOY-CRAZY. Have you ever seen the show "Hoarders?" There was one episode I watched where they got rid of 8000 pounds of trash in that woman's house. She was a level 5 hoarder. Her house was condemned, and unfit to live in. It was BAD. Well, my boy-craziness is at level 5. I haven't known anyone more boy-crazy than me. My heart is unfit for God for to live in. There's piles of remnants of past boyfriends and unspoken crushes and failed attempts at boyfriends. It affects everything. It's affected my self-esteem, my efforts in pleasing God, my efforts at going to church and doing service projects. It even affects my efforts at getting ready in the morning, especially if I know I'm going to see a cute guy! I've concentrated on boys and being attractive while being genuine my whole life. My past is littered with all of this. My friend Grace told me "For me, who is not boy-crazy to come around someone who is, I could tell from the day I met you that you were." And this thought was echoed by all the girls in my room last night. This obsession of mine has made my life unfit for service to God. And that grieves me because I wanted God to be my first love. I wanted to think I was learning how to get God to meet my needs. And now, it's become so hard to let go. I'm so afraid of not being pursued, which is dumb because I'm making it impossible for guys to pursue me anyway. I'm afraid that I won't know who Mr. Right is if I'm totally focused on God, which is also dumb because I'll be so in-tune with God that He will tell me, "It's Him." I love these 2 quotes: "A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man has to seek Him to find her," and "Dance with God, He will let the right man cut in."
Today is preparation day. I'm entering into a period of fasting from guys and dancing with God. I'm removing all unhealthy behavior and relationships with guys. This includes Scotty and Justin. Before I discuss the particulars, which probably aren't complete yet, I'm going to define the purpose.
The purpose my fast is to make my heart fit for God to dwell in as Lord and to become ready to serve Him. To show God and myself that He can be my First Love.
The way I will accomplish these goals is by leaving behind empty and need-based relationships. By replacing thoughts of "cute boy, he's attractive, speak to Him," with many other thoughts, including Scripture, thoughts of "I need you God, I can't do this on my own", maybe even prayers for my future husband or remembering the blessings God has given me. In my conversations with boys, I need to remember that I might be talking to someone else's future husband, so how I want other women to treat my future husband is how I will treat other men.
This fast will last indefinitely until God brings the right man into my life. I am not dating. I am not beginning conversations with guys. I am checking my motives before I get dressed in the morning and before I go places for leisure. I am going to spend much of my leisure time with God instead of on facebook. When thoughts enter my head about boys, I will, like I said, replace them with more suitable and pleasant thoughts. And I will be praying. A lot.
Father,
I feel called to do this for you. I want you to be my First Love, like I tell others that you are. I don't want to idolize and obsess over boys like I have my whole life. My heart should belong to only you, until you see it to hand a piece of it over to the man you choose. Help me make this a reality. Help me find the right girls to keep me accountable. I love you. I'm Yours Forever. Amen.
Love your Daughter, Melanie