Well I'm back at school. Have been for about 24 hours. And I'mm feeling confused. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know what my place/role is here yet. Yeah some of my friends care about me..u they really don't care. I look around and I see lots of people getting together and calling each other. My friends are calling me out of obligation. I'm in XPФ, and my sisters are wonderful, but they're only my friends because they have to be. And none of the education majors like me much. And the international clubbers are great, but I feel distant from them. My roommate is so sweet, and she's buddhist. One of my best friends ever is an agnostic, and she doesn't even go to this school. My FAMILY is in FREAKING THAILAND! I feel SO DISPlACED!
Maybe it's the Devil trying to render me useless for the Kingdom. So I know that I need to find my worth, identity and palce in God as His child. Just typing that brings a sense of peace into my heart. I have a place of belonging. It's in the Kingdom of God, as His child, in His arms. Ahhh, peace restored.
These people need to be shown the true love of Jesus, either through me or through their friends. His love and renown beign spread is what matters. Yes, I matter. I'm trying to figure that out. I sometimes wish God hadn't given me desires. Because my fleshly ones get in the way and I don't understand why I matter as person if His glory is what matters most. Why did God create me with needs? I just wish my needs went away and all I needed was assurance that He loved me so that I could be COMPLETELY devoted to His will.
But that's not how it works. Instead I'm stuck with the distractions of boys, school, family, and whatever else. Ugh I hate this balancing act. But that peace is still there. I matter. And God can still be glorified through my failures and needs and distractions and weaknesses. That's what my latest song is about :)
He is Enough
Monday, August 23, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Dear ___
Dear ___
Our relationship/friendship is not all about you. All we do is talk about who and what you want to talk about. I let you talk because I want to be there for you and I want to support you in this healing process. And then you leave. You say you have to go. When you figure out I'm done listening or when you've decided you've talked enough about your problems you don't stay around to listen to mine. And you compare my problems to yours when you finally DO listen. And it's not fair! I'm not going to leave you because I just can't do that. I will continue to talk to you when you want and I will continue to be your friend and I won't even show this to you. But I'm upset! And I can't even tell you I'm upset! Because I hint at why I'm upset and you blow it off; you ignore it because you don't want to hear it. And since I only hint at it, you decide you it's totally okay to ignore it! Thanks a LOT!
And I hate how you think you have this huge grasp on what it means to be a Christian but you're so concerned about yourself and meeting your needs that you twist God and the Bible aruond to fit what you desire Him to be! I can't really complain because I do that too in my own way but still, seeing that it in you is aggravating, especially since I can't point it out.
So yeah those are my thoughts. And I hope and pray that one day you'll grow up. And you'll see the error of your ways.
Our relationship/friendship is not all about you. All we do is talk about who and what you want to talk about. I let you talk because I want to be there for you and I want to support you in this healing process. And then you leave. You say you have to go. When you figure out I'm done listening or when you've decided you've talked enough about your problems you don't stay around to listen to mine. And you compare my problems to yours when you finally DO listen. And it's not fair! I'm not going to leave you because I just can't do that. I will continue to talk to you when you want and I will continue to be your friend and I won't even show this to you. But I'm upset! And I can't even tell you I'm upset! Because I hint at why I'm upset and you blow it off; you ignore it because you don't want to hear it. And since I only hint at it, you decide you it's totally okay to ignore it! Thanks a LOT!
And I hate how you think you have this huge grasp on what it means to be a Christian but you're so concerned about yourself and meeting your needs that you twist God and the Bible aruond to fit what you desire Him to be! I can't really complain because I do that too in my own way but still, seeing that it in you is aggravating, especially since I can't point it out.
So yeah those are my thoughts. And I hope and pray that one day you'll grow up. And you'll see the error of your ways.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Who do you think of First?
When you get extra money, you start thinking about what you will do with it. Who does that money eventually benefit? You or others?
When you discover extra time on your hands, what do you do with it? Who gets the benefit?
Who do you hang out with? Why?
These are questions I'm in the midst of asking myself. Because I realized that my time and money has gone to only myself this summer. I told God and myself that I would be sold out for Him. Did I follow through with that? Ashamedly, no. I failed. I called Mom and Dad yesterday morning, and I was on the verge of crying. I disappointed God! I let myself think of me first. At first I felt guilty about it and told myself, dear you need to wake up earlier and have your quiet time! But I just found excuses why not to, and kept waking up at the last possible minute. I have done that all my life. Why can't I change??!! The spirit it willing but the flesh is weak.
But I desire to change. The Bible says Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Seek ye first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you as well. So encouragement to myself: CHANGE IS COMING.
God has also been telling me something this summer: Feed my lambs. And those lambs are Cash and Jackson, too bored boys looking for things to do right beforeschool starts. Even though they are annyoing and they have come to my house to hang out with me when I'm napping and busy, they need the guidance that I can give them. God was telling me this and I wasn't listening. Well, I'm listening now God!
When you discover extra time on your hands, what do you do with it? Who gets the benefit?
Who do you hang out with? Why?
These are questions I'm in the midst of asking myself. Because I realized that my time and money has gone to only myself this summer. I told God and myself that I would be sold out for Him. Did I follow through with that? Ashamedly, no. I failed. I called Mom and Dad yesterday morning, and I was on the verge of crying. I disappointed God! I let myself think of me first. At first I felt guilty about it and told myself, dear you need to wake up earlier and have your quiet time! But I just found excuses why not to, and kept waking up at the last possible minute. I have done that all my life. Why can't I change??!! The spirit it willing but the flesh is weak.
But I desire to change. The Bible says Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Seek ye first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you as well. So encouragement to myself: CHANGE IS COMING.
God has also been telling me something this summer: Feed my lambs. And those lambs are Cash and Jackson, too bored boys looking for things to do right beforeschool starts. Even though they are annyoing and they have come to my house to hang out with me when I'm napping and busy, they need the guidance that I can give them. God was telling me this and I wasn't listening. Well, I'm listening now God!
Monday, August 9, 2010
The Finishing Touch
So much has happened since I last blogged! I went up to see Beauty and the Beast this past weekend, a 3 hr drive away. I had lunch right before the trip with Mrs Kathy, and she encouraged me to pray for the willingness to do the right thing as far as seeing or not seeing my ex. She told me her story about how she got together with her husband, and told me some of her philosophies. It's a funny story about how she and her husband met: she was heading up a picnic, and there were no diet cokes, and she was complaining. Randy said, do you want me to run to Sam's and get you a Diet Coke? She replied, if you do that, I will love you for the rest of my life. And long story short, that's what happened! Hehe!
So Veronica and I are on our way when she realizes there's no free-on in her air condition. She calls her Dad and we stop but to no avail, nothing can be done. We are about to get on the interstate anyway when the engine smokes and stalls. Some nice guys help us push it to the nearest gas station, as help us cool down her engine. Apparently what had happened was when her Dad got the oil changed, the guys who checked the other fluids hadn't tightened the cap on the water container and it had all spilled out causing the engine to overheat. Be glad you weren't there, we were kind of freaking out.
So her parents finally showed up with the van, and we left at 4. We were supposed to get there are 5:30, and we barely got there before 7, the time the show was supposed to start. What a beginning to our road trip!
Beauty and the Beats was amazing. The set was so well put together, the actors and actresses did a wonderful job; I was caught up in the whole story, as usual. So Veronica and Kim and I went to Kim's apartment where we hung out till I crashed on the couch. I was EXHAUSTED.
I woke up the next day to Ron and Kim getting ready. I called Thomas, my ex, to see when we were going to meet. At first he had wanted to meet a 8 or so because he had already called a friend earlier to cover for him at work so he could watch Beauty and the Beast. Well he wasn't going to watch it, and I was NOT going to see him at night. I have a hard enough time keeping my emotions in check in the day time. So we met at the mall at 2, after me having had lunch at this Brazilian steakhouse and having been to 2 outdoor stores with Ron and Kim. When I got to the mall, we started walking to the bathroom. I got a text that said I'm here. And I looked up, and there he was, about 30 feet from me.
He didn't see me wave, which was great because I still had to pee and I was inwardly freaking out because I WASN'T READY! So we bypassed him and went quickly to the bathroom, and my friends were like, are you ok? No, not really, I'm freaking out! I'm about to see my x, and I haven't seen him since 3 days before we took that break in November...!!! So they go their separate ways because they didn't really want to meet him, and I call him and tell him I'm there. We meet and he doesn't recognize me till I'm like 5 feet in front of him; I'd already spotted him, and he was confused at why this girl (me) was walking towards him. Ugh, men!
So we talked while he ate lunch, mind you he got Chinese food, the same place we ate when I had first gone up to see him April of last year. And he got me a fortune cookie, something about friends bringing new blessings into your life... Almost all the way through his meal he says, "Oh by the way I brought your bear back." My what? Yes. My teddy bear. Thing I loved and cherished for 3 years before I let him take it with him after he had visited me in September. When I came up to see him in October and November I had let him keep it, not knowing he would break up with me. So when he told me this I said, "Oh cool." Inwardly My heart was saying "NO!!!! WHY WHY WHY???!!!"
So we finished visiting, it was obvious there was no spark of anything between us anymore. I still cared for him and he stills cared for me, but not romantically. He never hugged me; barely touched me. We walked around the mall, and saw my friend briefly on the way out to his car to get my bear. He gave me the bear, shook my hand with some weird handshake, and got in his car.
I didn't even wait for him to get in; I walked back towards the mall, putting my bear inside my purse, and trying not to cry. My heart was breaking the rest of the way. It was a small piece, but it had been barely hanging out ,and now it was completely torn off. And I was hurting. I hurt for a few hours. I met up with my friends and they asked how it went. I said it went well. They asked if I was ok. I said NO. I would be better had he not given me my bear back. I walked around hurting after that. Didn't say much for the rest of the afternoon. But then we made spaghetti carbonara, and that helped to distract me. The pain was subsiding. Once we turned on No Reservations, I was ok. I realized it. I was truly going to be fine. It was time to move on. Thing relationship with Thomas was over, and any hope of something in the future was gone. And I would be ok. Someday in the far future, God will provide me with someone else.
I called my mom and she said, that worries me because what's going to stop you from enjoying the pursuits of or pursuing other guys? Well Mom, I said, School and my relationship with God are what I need to be concentrating on. I'm taking 19 hours, and I'm falling in love with Jesus. I'm possibly in over my head. No room for boys at this point. I'll be ok without them. She seemed satisfied. Now I'm back in the real world. My internship has just finished, and I have 2 weeks left in this town and then it's back to college! I have so many thoughts about life, marriage, relationship, and college going through my head, but this blog post is ready to be finished. :)
So Veronica and I are on our way when she realizes there's no free-on in her air condition. She calls her Dad and we stop but to no avail, nothing can be done. We are about to get on the interstate anyway when the engine smokes and stalls. Some nice guys help us push it to the nearest gas station, as help us cool down her engine. Apparently what had happened was when her Dad got the oil changed, the guys who checked the other fluids hadn't tightened the cap on the water container and it had all spilled out causing the engine to overheat. Be glad you weren't there, we were kind of freaking out.
So her parents finally showed up with the van, and we left at 4. We were supposed to get there are 5:30, and we barely got there before 7, the time the show was supposed to start. What a beginning to our road trip!
Beauty and the Beats was amazing. The set was so well put together, the actors and actresses did a wonderful job; I was caught up in the whole story, as usual. So Veronica and Kim and I went to Kim's apartment where we hung out till I crashed on the couch. I was EXHAUSTED.
I woke up the next day to Ron and Kim getting ready. I called Thomas, my ex, to see when we were going to meet. At first he had wanted to meet a 8 or so because he had already called a friend earlier to cover for him at work so he could watch Beauty and the Beast. Well he wasn't going to watch it, and I was NOT going to see him at night. I have a hard enough time keeping my emotions in check in the day time. So we met at the mall at 2, after me having had lunch at this Brazilian steakhouse and having been to 2 outdoor stores with Ron and Kim. When I got to the mall, we started walking to the bathroom. I got a text that said I'm here. And I looked up, and there he was, about 30 feet from me.
He didn't see me wave, which was great because I still had to pee and I was inwardly freaking out because I WASN'T READY! So we bypassed him and went quickly to the bathroom, and my friends were like, are you ok? No, not really, I'm freaking out! I'm about to see my x, and I haven't seen him since 3 days before we took that break in November...!!! So they go their separate ways because they didn't really want to meet him, and I call him and tell him I'm there. We meet and he doesn't recognize me till I'm like 5 feet in front of him; I'd already spotted him, and he was confused at why this girl (me) was walking towards him. Ugh, men!
So we talked while he ate lunch, mind you he got Chinese food, the same place we ate when I had first gone up to see him April of last year. And he got me a fortune cookie, something about friends bringing new blessings into your life... Almost all the way through his meal he says, "Oh by the way I brought your bear back." My what? Yes. My teddy bear. Thing I loved and cherished for 3 years before I let him take it with him after he had visited me in September. When I came up to see him in October and November I had let him keep it, not knowing he would break up with me. So when he told me this I said, "Oh cool." Inwardly My heart was saying "NO!!!! WHY WHY WHY???!!!"
So we finished visiting, it was obvious there was no spark of anything between us anymore. I still cared for him and he stills cared for me, but not romantically. He never hugged me; barely touched me. We walked around the mall, and saw my friend briefly on the way out to his car to get my bear. He gave me the bear, shook my hand with some weird handshake, and got in his car.
I didn't even wait for him to get in; I walked back towards the mall, putting my bear inside my purse, and trying not to cry. My heart was breaking the rest of the way. It was a small piece, but it had been barely hanging out ,and now it was completely torn off. And I was hurting. I hurt for a few hours. I met up with my friends and they asked how it went. I said it went well. They asked if I was ok. I said NO. I would be better had he not given me my bear back. I walked around hurting after that. Didn't say much for the rest of the afternoon. But then we made spaghetti carbonara, and that helped to distract me. The pain was subsiding. Once we turned on No Reservations, I was ok. I realized it. I was truly going to be fine. It was time to move on. Thing relationship with Thomas was over, and any hope of something in the future was gone. And I would be ok. Someday in the far future, God will provide me with someone else.
I called my mom and she said, that worries me because what's going to stop you from enjoying the pursuits of or pursuing other guys? Well Mom, I said, School and my relationship with God are what I need to be concentrating on. I'm taking 19 hours, and I'm falling in love with Jesus. I'm possibly in over my head. No room for boys at this point. I'll be ok without them. She seemed satisfied. Now I'm back in the real world. My internship has just finished, and I have 2 weeks left in this town and then it's back to college! I have so many thoughts about life, marriage, relationship, and college going through my head, but this blog post is ready to be finished. :)
Monday, August 2, 2010
John 9 and my response
We read John 9 in Sunday School. We talked about The miracle of the Man who was born blind. Basically Jesus spit into mud, put it on his eyes, told him to wash it off the pool of Siloam. When the man came back, he could see. The neighbors saw a novelty. They couldn't believe the miracle had really happened because it was too...miraculous. Then the pharisees couldn't get past the technicality of Jesus working on the Sabbath. The parents of the boy couldn't get past the fact that if they took the boy's side, they would be expelled form the temple, where the food market was. So the miracle became a social difficulty to them. Then the pastor asked us which one we were? Well, I asked for an example. And he told this story of a homeless ministry. one day a homeless woman came to Christ. the church that was sponsoring them was like, well that's great and all, but we really don't want her to join our church because our financial situation won't increase. And the pastor said that kind of stuff happens ALL the time. I was APPALLED. Shocked. My mouth hung open for minutes. Churches and believers turn away the working of God to instead focus inwardly???!!! God's kingdom and the expansion of it, aka people coming to Christ, should be our priority!!!! And this confirmed in me the desire to go where no one else is willing to go. Because so MANY are unwilling. The harvest in plentiful but the workers are few. So basically, I'm in an ongoing conversation with God. I don't know where He wants me or how He wants to use me. But I'm willing to do ANYTHING. Really. Because my passion is His renown. And it's a lonely road. But that's ok. So I'll do anything. I'll go anywhere. I'll go next door.
Satan is trying to trip me up. He'll use any good he can for the worse. So I'm obeying the phrase "Be on your guard." Because He'll attack me in ways I don't expect. He's very cunning. And he has legions of demons working for him. But I won't give up. Because my God has overcome the world!
My options at this point
-find a way to reach hispanic communities in my town and my college town
-transfer to jackson, MS and be an intern with wewillgo ministries
-sponsor a woman from congo and/or an orphan
pour myself into the lives of the children and non-believers i see and come in contact with daily
I'm still looking for God's leading!
Satan is trying to trip me up. He'll use any good he can for the worse. So I'm obeying the phrase "Be on your guard." Because He'll attack me in ways I don't expect. He's very cunning. And he has legions of demons working for him. But I won't give up. Because my God has overcome the world!
My options at this point
-find a way to reach hispanic communities in my town and my college town
-transfer to jackson, MS and be an intern with wewillgo ministries
-sponsor a woman from congo and/or an orphan
pour myself into the lives of the children and non-believers i see and come in contact with daily
I'm still looking for God's leading!
Rachel vs Leah
I have come to the conclusion that I was not meant to be Leah.
I was meant to be Rachel.
the problem is, I'm considered by many men (subconsciously) as a Leah. I have fairer skin, not very pronounced features, and I am the older sister. My sister has the more attractive features. She's beautiful. And in my mind, a lot more so than me. And of the guys who know both of us, they are more attracted to her. My personality and maturity is evident, but of the guys who have had the choice between her and I, all have chosen her. This isn't the first time I've thought about this. She and I know that she is the hot one and I am the smart one.
I've had boyfriends, and relationships, and I'm very grateful for them. I thought my last relationship would last forever. But his feelings for me weren't as deep as mine were (and still are) for him. Before me, he dated a girl who was ironically named Leah. And now they are constant friends. They've been friends since they were like 3 years old, and now they don't talk often, but they are still fairly close. And I look at my relationship with him, and I see that pattern beginning to happen with us. My heart is screaming, "I'm not another Leah! I'm a Rachel! And I want to be YOUR RACHEL!"
But I can't control this situation. The best thing for em to do is let him go. For myself. I have a lot of friends who were going to marry and some were even engaged to men, and they ended up not. They either married other men or are still single. And I've thought I was going to marry this man. But I could be wrong. And I HATE that thought with every fiber of my being. But I have to accept it. I have to let God be in control of my future. I'm trying to manipulate to how I want it to turn out. But I'm not in control. I'm just NOT.
So here I am, with all these desires of being a Rachel. I want to be pursued. I want him (who ever God chooses) to see me and say, "I want HER. With all of me, I want HER." Almost every girl I know has that desire. It's how we were made. And I know a guy who has told me that if he's ever getting married, the girl will be the one proposing to him, because he doesn't really want to get married. Dumbbutt!!!
I really wish I could run up to my ex and sing him that song Realize by Colbie Caillat. But I then I realize myself that that wouldn't be letting him go.
I don't know what else to say at this point, except,
Father God, help me. I need you. I need to love you and resurrender to you and fall head over heels for you again. I'm planning my way, but You determine my steps. Thank you for that comfort. Thank you for being in control. Help me take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to you. Not my will but yours, Lord.
I was meant to be Rachel.
the problem is, I'm considered by many men (subconsciously) as a Leah. I have fairer skin, not very pronounced features, and I am the older sister. My sister has the more attractive features. She's beautiful. And in my mind, a lot more so than me. And of the guys who know both of us, they are more attracted to her. My personality and maturity is evident, but of the guys who have had the choice between her and I, all have chosen her. This isn't the first time I've thought about this. She and I know that she is the hot one and I am the smart one.
I've had boyfriends, and relationships, and I'm very grateful for them. I thought my last relationship would last forever. But his feelings for me weren't as deep as mine were (and still are) for him. Before me, he dated a girl who was ironically named Leah. And now they are constant friends. They've been friends since they were like 3 years old, and now they don't talk often, but they are still fairly close. And I look at my relationship with him, and I see that pattern beginning to happen with us. My heart is screaming, "I'm not another Leah! I'm a Rachel! And I want to be YOUR RACHEL!"
But I can't control this situation. The best thing for em to do is let him go. For myself. I have a lot of friends who were going to marry and some were even engaged to men, and they ended up not. They either married other men or are still single. And I've thought I was going to marry this man. But I could be wrong. And I HATE that thought with every fiber of my being. But I have to accept it. I have to let God be in control of my future. I'm trying to manipulate to how I want it to turn out. But I'm not in control. I'm just NOT.
So here I am, with all these desires of being a Rachel. I want to be pursued. I want him (who ever God chooses) to see me and say, "I want HER. With all of me, I want HER." Almost every girl I know has that desire. It's how we were made. And I know a guy who has told me that if he's ever getting married, the girl will be the one proposing to him, because he doesn't really want to get married. Dumbbutt!!!
I really wish I could run up to my ex and sing him that song Realize by Colbie Caillat. But I then I realize myself that that wouldn't be letting him go.
I don't know what else to say at this point, except,
Father God, help me. I need you. I need to love you and resurrender to you and fall head over heels for you again. I'm planning my way, but You determine my steps. Thank you for that comfort. Thank you for being in control. Help me take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to you. Not my will but yours, Lord.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Falling in Love
I was looking at my last post and how it started out depressing but then came to be full of hope. And today, looking at myself, I am FULL of hope and joy. My mom and I have late been praying that God gives me joy. And My name is Joy. And my sister is Hope. Because my mom and God are joyful and hopeful that we will be vessels for Him. And God answers prayers. He has slowly given me joy in my circumstances, even though I'm worried about many things. And along with that joy are other fruits of the Spirit. An example is the peace that I have even though I'm worried because I know God will answer my questions at the right time. I can see the growth in myself! And that is so encouraging!
I was with my bible study girls on the mountain this weekend on a camping trip. And God was with us. He protected us as we drove this mini-van up VERY steep curves. V and I, (V is the driver) were a little more worried than everyone else, because we knew very well that if anything went wrong we could be careening backwards down the mountain! But everyone else was screaming and laughing out of pure adrenaline. And God kept us safe. He didn't let us get lost as we were hiking. He blessed us with a FANTASTIC camping spot, overlooking the valley. Yesterday morning, we woke up to one of the most beautiful sunrises I've ever seen. And the night before, as we separately watched the sun set, we were all talking to God and reading hHis word and listening to Him :). Beautiful.
He gave us some great memories :). And one I vividly remebmer was the wind was blowing fiercely as we were trying to start a fire to cook dinner, and nothing was working. Everytime Macy would light the fire, it would blow out soon. And then Bailey prayed, and Veronica prayed for God to use his power and start the fire. And IMMEDIATELY, literally the next match Macy lit, started the fire! It was like that's crazy! God really answered our petty prayer for a fire so we could cook dinner, and started the fire! THANK YOU JESUS! :)
I came from the mountain closer to God. Not with a spiritual high, but I was just closer to God. I felt God saying 3 things to me: 1) Trust me. 2) I am with you. 3) Love me. The 3rd one REALLY caught my ear as I said God I thought I do love you. And I heard him say "if you love me, you will obey my commands"; and "feed my sheep." God was telling me that I could show him I loved him through moment-by-moment obedience. And that means being obedient in my job, teaching children about him, and being obedient in all other aspects of this summer. So in response I said "ok God. It's time for me to show you I love you. It's time for you to become my first love. To forget about the boys who are on my mind and to focus on living for you." Because I'm not grown up enough to be ready for marriage ANY time soon. I dont' graduate from college for 2 years, and even then I don't know if I'll be ready for marriage. I'll need to be an adult first. So it will be awhile before I need to date because I don't want to date just to date. I know what that's like and I'm not interested. So that leaves me with the one thing I CAN concentrate on: My relationship with God. When I woke up this morning and said, "God, I miss the communion I had on the mountain with you," He responded "Joy dearest, I am everywhere. You didn't leave me on the mountain." And I sang Phil Wickham's song you're beautiful as I was getting ready for church, and I knew, that I was falling in love with God. So as I walked downstairs, I prayed, "Lord, Don't let me guard my heart with you. Let me fall head over heels in love with you. And let me respond in love with moment-by-moment obedience. Because I love you. I'm yours."
At church I sang the song The Potter's Hand for the special music. The chorus says "take me, mold me, use fill me, I give my life to the Potter's hand; call me guide me, lead me, walk beside me, I give my life to the Potter's hand." I want God to set me apart. Because I know He's drawing me to Himself. I want him to fill me and pour me out. And I want to let Him take care of me. I want to have wisdom about planning a preparation, but I want to not be worried about tomorrow and trust Him to take of me, protect me, and lead me in the way everlasting. What I need to do is follow and obey. And look at me now! I don't want to talk about anything else but what He's teaching me! I know that tonight, I will be tempted to talk dirty with some friend I met online. But God is with me and He will help me withstand that temptation. And if I can't withstand it while talkign ot them, I won't talk to them tonight. Because I belong to Jesus. :) Thank you Father, for the joy and peace that comes with the security in knowing you have the whole world in your hands, and that includes me and nothing can snatch me away from your hands. :)
I was with my bible study girls on the mountain this weekend on a camping trip. And God was with us. He protected us as we drove this mini-van up VERY steep curves. V and I, (V is the driver) were a little more worried than everyone else, because we knew very well that if anything went wrong we could be careening backwards down the mountain! But everyone else was screaming and laughing out of pure adrenaline. And God kept us safe. He didn't let us get lost as we were hiking. He blessed us with a FANTASTIC camping spot, overlooking the valley. Yesterday morning, we woke up to one of the most beautiful sunrises I've ever seen. And the night before, as we separately watched the sun set, we were all talking to God and reading hHis word and listening to Him :). Beautiful.
He gave us some great memories :). And one I vividly remebmer was the wind was blowing fiercely as we were trying to start a fire to cook dinner, and nothing was working. Everytime Macy would light the fire, it would blow out soon. And then Bailey prayed, and Veronica prayed for God to use his power and start the fire. And IMMEDIATELY, literally the next match Macy lit, started the fire! It was like that's crazy! God really answered our petty prayer for a fire so we could cook dinner, and started the fire! THANK YOU JESUS! :)
I came from the mountain closer to God. Not with a spiritual high, but I was just closer to God. I felt God saying 3 things to me: 1) Trust me. 2) I am with you. 3) Love me. The 3rd one REALLY caught my ear as I said God I thought I do love you. And I heard him say "if you love me, you will obey my commands"; and "feed my sheep." God was telling me that I could show him I loved him through moment-by-moment obedience. And that means being obedient in my job, teaching children about him, and being obedient in all other aspects of this summer. So in response I said "ok God. It's time for me to show you I love you. It's time for you to become my first love. To forget about the boys who are on my mind and to focus on living for you." Because I'm not grown up enough to be ready for marriage ANY time soon. I dont' graduate from college for 2 years, and even then I don't know if I'll be ready for marriage. I'll need to be an adult first. So it will be awhile before I need to date because I don't want to date just to date. I know what that's like and I'm not interested. So that leaves me with the one thing I CAN concentrate on: My relationship with God. When I woke up this morning and said, "God, I miss the communion I had on the mountain with you," He responded "Joy dearest, I am everywhere. You didn't leave me on the mountain." And I sang Phil Wickham's song you're beautiful as I was getting ready for church, and I knew, that I was falling in love with God. So as I walked downstairs, I prayed, "Lord, Don't let me guard my heart with you. Let me fall head over heels in love with you. And let me respond in love with moment-by-moment obedience. Because I love you. I'm yours."
At church I sang the song The Potter's Hand for the special music. The chorus says "take me, mold me, use fill me, I give my life to the Potter's hand; call me guide me, lead me, walk beside me, I give my life to the Potter's hand." I want God to set me apart. Because I know He's drawing me to Himself. I want him to fill me and pour me out. And I want to let Him take care of me. I want to have wisdom about planning a preparation, but I want to not be worried about tomorrow and trust Him to take of me, protect me, and lead me in the way everlasting. What I need to do is follow and obey. And look at me now! I don't want to talk about anything else but what He's teaching me! I know that tonight, I will be tempted to talk dirty with some friend I met online. But God is with me and He will help me withstand that temptation. And if I can't withstand it while talkign ot them, I won't talk to them tonight. Because I belong to Jesus. :) Thank you Father, for the joy and peace that comes with the security in knowing you have the whole world in your hands, and that includes me and nothing can snatch me away from your hands. :)
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