God's Multipurpose Instrument

Surrender - one of the least liked words in the American language (according to me), and one of the hardest things to do, especially in my relationship with God. I have to surrender my whole self, everything about me, even the things I hold on to most tightly, well, especially those. I hold on to my ex, I hold on to my future and my plans, my job, any kind of security I feel, I hold on to it, because I don't want to let it go. And I realize that it comes down to a trust issue. How much do I really trust God with? And when I look at my life and my lifestyles and my habits, I see that it's not much. I take control of things and I justify taking control by any excuse I can come up with. I take control of my social life by going online and finding new friends who won't judge me or keep me accountable when I'm sick of being dissected and rebuked, especially when I need those rebukes the most. I'm constantly looking for the next thing that will satisfy my needs, instead of letting those things come as God provides. As a result, I fall further and further away from living the life God has called me to live. He has called me to be set apart; instead, if I were the one Christian in a crowd, you wouldn't be able to tell. I'd be acting just like them. I care about what others think about me so I mold myself in order to be liked. And honestly, it doesn't work. You ended up with this confused girl who seems really sweet and fun and funny, but who can't really keep the friends she's made. And because I'm far away from God, I have no solution at this point.

But God is faithful.

Joshua 1:9 - ...the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Philippians 1:6 - ...that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:28 We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:37-39 No, in all these things we are more than victorious through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!

Isaiah 40:31 but those who trust in the LORD will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint.

there are so many more verses I could quote, but these are some main ones that present different on God's response to us. :)

Dilemma

Can I be friends with my ex without letting my emotions overpower my mind?

I talked to my parents, and they made these points
- I shouldn't cut him off completely unless he's a bad influence on me, which he isn't, because they wouldn't have let me date him if they thought that
- I need to learn the skill of keeping my emotions in check
- I want to be his friend
- He wants to be my friend
- I told them that I need to learn to surrender him and any future with him to God, and they said I can do that without cutting of communication

so knowing all of this, I don't see why I can't glorify God and keep his as a friend at the same time. So, I'll tell him I want to be his friend. But I won't tell him anything about giving any thoughts of a future with him over to God because that's just manipulating him. Surrender means letting God take care of him and a future with him and not taking matters into my own hands. I have to LET GO, and I can still do that while being his friend. I need to learn how to just be his friend anyway. He's a great guy and a great friend to me.

I Love Him, but it's not in the right way (think les mis)

so here's an update on my life:
I spoke to my church wednesday night about what it was like growing up as a missionary kid. and I had to ignore all of the "oh my gosh what do I do about my ex?" thoughts running around inside my head. I had to completely surrender everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, to God, and he really took control of what I said. I talked about - well - growing up on the mission field! I talked about things I learned about God and what my response should be: trust and surrender. And God really used me to encourage the church :).
But yeah, trust and surrender are the two things I'm expecially working on right now. Myself wants to just take back Thomas into my life and keep communication until he comes to his senses and falls in love with me again or until I snap and demand that he fall in love. But I have to trust that if Thomas is in my future, God and him will make it happen. I had a daydream last night as I was falling asleep that Thomas realized he was in love with me and wanted to marry me but he talked to some adults and they told him to wait because what was going to do - ask me to wait for him? That wasn't trusting God with his future. He knew I was in love with Him, but that I was getting over him, all he had to do was wait for God's timing. Now I know that Thomas doesn't feel this way about me. All I know is that he values me as a friend and I inspire him to be more like Christ. And if I loved him for the right reasons, that should be MORE THAN ENOUGH. But I selfishly want him in love with me because I'm not over my infatuation with him. I have to let God do his work and say Thomas, I can't handle a friendship with you still. Even though I've done a lot of maturing, I've realized that for me to continue moving on from us, I'm still not in a place where we can just be friends and my emotions won't get in the way. There's no telling how long it will take. But I do want you in my life, and I want to be in yours. Just not yet. -I don't know, I'll say something like that.
So anyways, I'm now in Louisiana with my ever annoying but wonderful brother. I leave Tuesday and I have to go back to my lovely job. To God be the Glory!

have i lost my mind??!!

I talked on the phone with my ex today. for an hour and a half! he had texted me and i just read it today, asking if i was ok because he had heard about hte floods near me and wanted to make sure nothing had happened. i haven t talk to him since february when i said we cant talk anymore because i cant handle a friendship with you without my feelings getting in the way. so thats how we left things. he deleted me as friends on facebook. there were so many times i wanted to tell him something, ask his advice, or just hear his voice on my birthday, and i couldnt. and now, well, i journalled, cuz i didnt know what to do. i knew i wanted his friendship back. but can i handle it? i had texted him back multiple messages so he knew it was ok, and he asked are you sure you want to call? and i said yes, so we talked, and then hung up, and then talked again, just about what God has been doing in our lives, interesting stories, and more. and now, i dont know what to do? will i be able to handle a friendship with no romance?? the no talking period was for me. now i want to show him love, doing what he needs. what does he need? a friendship? space? friendship on his terms? cuz i dont know if that's healthy; i would just be letting him renew selfish habits. but i want to be who he needs. and he values me. and i value him. i wish i knew the future!!! i wish i could see, oh yes, we'll get back together, it's perfectly fine to start a relationship. or, no dear, he's just gonna break your heart again without meaning to so stay away. i know he'll probably talk to me less often than once a week or once every 2 weeks. and im still high maintenance and i would want more or i would be missing him. thats the problem right there - i would MISS him, and i would interpret our conversations as something more than what they really are: merely proof that we have a close friendship. i was his best friend at one point. but i think thats all i was to him. but he was my beloved! and i know i'll make up excuses to think of him that way again! i don't want to, but i'm pretty sure i will! so now i don't know what to do... what's the best way to go, God? it's in your hands, i need your wisdom on this one...

Giving Stress to God

I'm starting to stress out. And now that I know this: I know how to deal with it. 2 ways: jornaling/blogging, and time with Jesus.
So here's what's going on.
I live with a roommate. She's a wonderful girl, and she's really smart, but she's a little OCD. so whenever I do something wrong, of course she points it out. Now she has great habits and I need to learn how to take responsilibity for where I live, such as not leaving food out and picking up my stuff, but she thinks I know nothing about preparing food and stuff, like she has a specific way she prepares noodles so they don't stick. It makes sense, but I just have so much going on, I don't need her "nagging" at me. And she comes home crabby from work. And I'm sleeping on a hide-a-bed in the living room cuz her apt has 1 bedroom! And I have NO place to put my things! She's moving a to a duplex which has 2 bedrooms, but she's moving in with a roommate, so I'm STILL sleeping on the hide-a-bed. And it will still be a ways from work, so I'll still use a lot of gas. And what bugs me is I say, hey can I turn some music on? No, I'd prefer you not. Seriously??!! So, I'm talking to my pastor to figure out a different/better living situation. There's a lot of people in the church who are willing to help me out, and I'm willing to pay rent. Not much, but a little.
The other things that's stressing me out: my job. I'm an intern at a church jumpstarting a children's ministry. I have less than a week to prepare lesson plans for the summer, plan games and activties, figure out snacks, crafts, and the supplies we need, tell adults what I need from them, and I have no idea how many kids are coming to this thing. That's what I'm worried about!!! It could be any where from 5 to like i don't know, maybe 100? maybe more? That's a WIDE range of possiblities!!! I'm supposed to figure out how to do this job when i have that much on my plate?? And to add more, I have to speak for 30 minutes on what it was like to be a missoinary kid, and I have like a week to prepare for that!!!! Seriously??!!!

Ok God, you know what is worrying me. And your Word says Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. You also said sekk My kingdom and My righteousness first and all these thigns will be added to you as well. So I'm trusting You, God. I surrender. I can't do this without You. PLease Help. In Your Name, Amen.

I got PLAYED

Have you ever seen Princess Diaries 2?
There's a part in there where Mia comes into her room after spending the night with Nicholas, and her waking up with him is on Genovia natl TV. She crying when the queen asks her what happened, and she says "I got played." Well, that's me. Right now. Not with the tears, those happened last night.

So heres the story:
I went to a wedding. Yep - recipe for disaster. At weddings, there are single guys who, seeing the ceremony and the reception and knowing whats happening that night are suddenly on the quest to find either commitment or sex, fast. Well, I met one such guy: Rhys. Rhys is a scrawny, blonde haired blue eyed cutie who can swing dance with the best of us. I say us because I can too. I had met him a yr and a half ago but he doesnt remember because he went off to the army and was gone for all this time. He deploys in september. So this guy comes up to me and grabs my hands to dance and when he finds out that I can I can, of course he's pretty happy. So for the rest of the day, he flirts with me, blows the wedding bubbles at me, pokes me, makes sure I'm not leaving when I went out to my car to change (I was a bridesmaid, the only skinny single one of us), and etc. He invites me to dinner with their group, so I go, and the whole time he tries to play footsie with me, rubs his finger on my arm once, pokes my head when i spaced out, listens hard to everything I'm saying, etc. He follows me back to Kayla's car because I took her back to it and he had her brothers stuff. He would have stayed to talk to me after he gave it to her had we not exchanged a long hug. I'm literally playing as hard to get as I possibly can. Well, we go back to a friends apartment, and there are 2 very serious couples there. They all decide to smush on one couch so Rhys and can have the love seat to spread out since we're not a couple. Sarah pokes Andrew, Bandi pokes Aaron, and the next thing I know there's a tickle fight. And I knew, I just KNEW Rhys was going to tickle me. and he did. I was sprawling on the floor kicking him to get him off me. Then he picks the movie, strategically of course: August Rush. I'd never seen it. It's a dramatic chick flick that he had hoped would make me want to cuddle with him. Well, he starts scooting closer and closer to me and then he has his arm pressed against mine. About 30minutes later he says, my arms falling asleep. I said, well you put it there, not my fault. And he said well I could put it somewhere else, and he tried to put in around me but my head was in the way, so it was like, aww. And then I said fine, and leaned forward, and he was like, YES! So the rest of the movie is spent with him touching me as much as he dares. Im trying to not respond. I should have moved. At one point Bandi texted me so I would move, to I responded, THANK YOU! But then we got back into the same position. When the movie was over, he offered to walk me to my car, and Bandi looked at him and said, if you try ANYTHING, the 4 of us will be out there ASAP. So he didnt try anything. My car door handle was broken, so he opened my door ,and I just got in quickly. I didnt wait. So he said, ok Ill facebook you. He had hinted earlier that he would drive up here to see me because our friends were still up here till noon on memorial day. well he didnt. he just took his 5 hr drive home. has not texted or called since. stupid boy!!! he used me to be his cuddle buddy and then disappeared!!! At least I guarded my haart, but he still got my hopes up and then dashed them! He facebooked me saying I was right, we were friend on facebook. So should I respond to him?